Jack Porter International Man of Mystery: Revenge Recap

By The Betches

After a month of Sundays without Revenge leading me to question my ability to follow the most basic television plot and whether or not I'm losing my hearing, my favorite soap opera came back. And apparently even Revenge doesn't know what the fuck is going on in Revenge.

But one thing I definitely didn't miss about Revenge was Emanda's Shakespearean monologues. These couldn't be better written by Shakespeare himself. "An identity cannot be fully defined when it is a secret." Oh it's been a while since my last SAT vocab lesson.

So last night we found out that the Falcon is a nerdy Asian girl, Vic badly wants to meet up with her son Patty, Emanda and Daniel's engagement is back on, and that Jack likes to show up to every event in the Hamptons. And does he think no one notices him spying on Conrad? He's always angrily staring at people so he's not someone I'd call stealthy. And who's taking care of Baby C? He thinks it's okay to casually let Carl be watched by Conrad's old mistresses while he goes out on the town being the group photog/paparazzi. For example, why was he at the Grayson interview? NO ONE INVITED YOU!

We would give you a more comprehensive summary of what happened except given my ADD I would have to watch the episode at least 10 more times. And that would be more torturous than watching Jack Porter attempt to pull out the fish hook that's permanently stuck up his ass.


Why does Daniel choose to live in a guest house rather than in his mansion or closer to his office in maybe like, the city!?

Babies I could care less about than the one Victoria gave away 20 years ago: Baby Carl

Why does Emanda always watch shit on her comp? Like get a TV.

"Harvard? I want something more like NYU." Declan is the Dan Humphrey of Revenge.

Isn't the FBI moderately tipped off by the stream of billionaires casually associated with murders all coming from this one Hamptons posse? Between gay Tyler, Padma, and Victoria Grayson's fake plane crash I would think the people who caught Bin Laden might be on to these people.

Wouldn't the Falcon have been like 12 during the David Clarke scandal?

I hope when we eventually meet Patrick that he is hot.


"Girls, I'm going to Harvard!" - Declan, homeless to Harvard

Nolan, you still catch yourself IMing Padma? How is she still signed into Gchat if she's dead?

For such advanced hackers like Nolan and the Falcon they were communicating on a really outdated looking messenger app. This is uglier than the Go Quest Go results.

Nolan looks like he's jerking off when he's playing this weird video game that was ridiculously construed as a plot line to get the Falcon to help him with I don't even know what. Also, in which Hampton can one find an arcade?

Ooo Sharpie gets fired due to advancing technology. It's like the outsourcing of American jobs to Indian tech experts.

So Declan's supposed to be straight yet he's trolling TMZ at like 10 pm.

Also if Emanda weren't so private she could totally instagram the pic with the crossed off faces with cool hashtags like #revenge #arrested #killedit #picoftheday #Spinghassprung!




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