May 3, 2012
Holy fuck I love this episode. Few things are as exciting to me as the collapse of a hedge fund. But then Emanda impersonated a homeland security agent and I completely lost my shit, chill out Harriet the Spy. Where did you even get your doctor's coat? How did you break into the hospital records room? Why the fuck are you wearing glasses?
Let's talk about our favorite part aka the narration. Absolution is the most powerful form of forgiveness. Is it? Is it really? Whose job is it to devise these revolutionary idioms and where can we apply? Absolution is a washing away of sin. The best among us will learn from the mistakes of the past. The rest will get high on oxy and call it a day.
Anyway, exciting as it is, the whole premise of this show is seriously fucked up. Like, there's no way anyone would look twice at either of those Porter boys let alone be in love with them. They're short and flaccid.
On top of that, all the sudden it's like, Occupy Wall Street is here! How'd they all get over to Riker's? Isn't that shit supposed to have some security, like the maximum kind? And really, writing MURDERER on Daniel's car? If no one wrote murderer on Casey Anthony's car, a baby killer, then no one's writing it on some hot Hamptons boy's car... a ginger killer.
And how does everyone get around the tristate area so quickly? Hamptons? Manhasset? Pennsylvania? Must have some serious sports cars...must be the one and only Lexus GS!
Despite all this absurdity we need this show like Declan needs a haircut. We counted at least three bitch slaps in the scenes from next week and we can't wait... Will Charlotte go to Promises? Will Mandy go Kill Bill on the man with the white hair? Which fine Italian knits will the wardrobe department select for Nolan's outerwear?
I like Emily's 'do whatever it takes ruin as many people's lives so long as she can make a name for herself as an evil avenger of her father' mentality.
Finally they give us another revealing photograph for Mandy to potentially make cross-outs on. Though I think it's time to face reality: red sharpie's contract was only for a half-season, the dog days are not over, RIP red. But more importantly, who dates their photographs in pencil in 2002? It's called a digital camera and they had them at this point.
Seriously Charlotte?! What couple casually feeds each other pills in the hallway of their private school? What a scandal somebody alert Julie Cooper.
However Declan, stop being such a narc, you need to calm down about the pills...maybe take one.
Hey Nolan, thanks for reminding us you have a multinational company to run. Up until now we thought your job was to sport as many flamboyant polo shirts and sweaters as possible.
Ambitious Ashley trades in her soul to Conrad Grayson for...a brand new car! What do you think costs more, this Lexus GS or this product placement?
But who could CM be? Why of course, it's Carol Miller.
And where did Mandy find Carol Miller? Oh, just on this sick website, GoQuestGo. That's like wahoo.com... facenovella.com, headbook.com?
So what was the point of the Aunt Carol plot exactly? Carol is like the go-to name for television aunts ... obligatory Aunt Carol plot.
Conrad's all like "I frequently kill and frame people because I do what I need to protect the family." WTF is this the Godfather...go to the mattresses Connie!
We loved the scene with a barred out Charlotte on a walk through a winter wonderland with her mother, when they chat about David Clarke. There are so many things about you that remind me of him. Your eyes, your laugh, your affinity towards stray dogs.
A guy visited Conrad Grayson with a head full of white hair and bright blue eyes....so... Santa?
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing