Revenge Recap: Ding Dong the Witch Ain't Dead

By The Betches

Soooo like...this show is back. It was okay. Turns out Revenge is a dish best served on a day when we're not this hungover because our ADD was raging hard and like, what even happened? Seriously it's impossible to keep up with all these plot twists because everyone's always fucking whispering and I can't hear shit.

A few things: We think they replaced Mr. Miyagi but we're really bad at telling the difference between Asians so not really sure. Ashley now has her own Ashley. White Haired Man is back and remains nameless. Nolan is the same, except now he's trying to turn Revenge into Will and Grace by asking to shack up with Emanda. Jack looks like Captain Hook...still.

Also, we called it last season and last Friday that Victoria's alive, fucking duh, ABC knows better than to let that bitch's contract expire. How's life without your Parisian print chair Vic? We hear she's getting a spin-off, The Secret Life of the American Terrorist.

Finally, it appears that the ABCMT is creating a pattern where they "kill" someone off in a flash forward in the pilot and then later we will find out how they didn't actually die (probably)... though if they really decided to sink the Amanda and take the Porters with it we wouldn't cry about it, unlike Jack when his dog died.

Call Outs

Why did the first five minutes of the show consist of a waterboarding and a deep sea dive? Has Emanda been taking lessons from Mr. Miyagi or perhaps the Steven Spielberg's shark swimmers in Jaws? Is there anything this woman can't do? Like next week will we see her flying through outer space after being given lessons from the late Neil Armstrong after a surprising twist that he is in fact still alive?

Suddenly Emanda has memories of her random mom that no one thought twice about for all of season 1? Shit I was THIS close to unlocking a memory of my mother...and burning off the calories from those cheese fries!

Of course there's an infinity symbol etched into the leather restraints at the loony bin!

Victoria's "memorial" had the festive air of a fucking bar mitzvah. They probably reused the same decorations from last year's tacky party on a boat. At least Daniel properly honors his mother's memory by staring wistfully off of her balcony and getting wasted. 

When did Declan suddenly get the nickname 'Deck'? Wouldn't it be weird to constantly be called a deck, it's like whats up, Porch!?

Ugh fake Amanda is fake pregnant. So grossed out by her fames fearse. Pregnant people don't stand up that fast, they just don't.

LOL Moments

That sounds revengey - Nolan

Holy moley - Nolan

Cray cray - Nolan

Declan, go fetch some lobsters would you?

Ahhh clam cam is the new whale cam. It's like they're speaking to us.

The revenge writers are clearly stepping their shit up with this Emmy winning dialogue: 

Emanda: It seems as though your suspicions are correct
Victoria: They almost always are
Emanda: exactly
Victoria: I know
Emanda: of course
Victoria: yes

Emanda to Jack: "Don't hate me for saying this. But are you absolutely sure the baby is yours and do you have any leftover chowder from dinner?"




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