Revenge Recap: When I Get That Feeling I Want Fake Huntington's Disease Healing

By The Betches

So last night was the third season premiere of one of the most dramatic shows on television portraying a crazy bitch determined to fight for justice for the murder of hundreds of innocent lives. And yet for some reason, I'm about to recap Revenge instead of Homeland. Anyway, the episode airs with one of Emanda's famous monologues, "Fear is a fire that burns from birth in even the coldest heart. The greatest fear of all is that these idiotic monologues I keep narrating never end."

Anyway, this episode was decent in that we get a foreshadowing to the end of the season when Emanda is shot in her wedding dress. We also get to see Jack reject Emanda after sharing a passionate five second frencher. We're hoping this whole season is just going to pay homage to Titanic, allowing Em to tell Jack that she'll never let go and him replying that she should unless she plans on popping a Mentos. 

Call Outs

Ok like when are the Graysons NOT attending the last Memorial Day party they'll ever attend? Daniel: "It's never rained on a Grayson Memorial Day kickoff. Usually someone just dies or some shit."

I love how literally no one gives a shit that Declan is dead.

Oh so Conrad wants to be president? That seems so realistic. Remember when the whole country thought his wife died in a plane crash for six months and then she turned up unexpectedly. Or that time his underage daughter who happens to be the bastard baby of his wife and a convicted terrorist was on camera making out with a girl outside a club? That's just the kind of shit future presidents/governors love in their background checks! This guy makes Anthony Weiner look like Mother Theresa. 

Daniel: "Hedge funds aren't for me anymore" Daniel says this as casually as one would say they're over Just Salad.

Wait so Victoria casually has 3 different children by 3 different dads leading us this question: Is there anyone Vic didn't fuck in the 90s? I'm surprised one of her children isn't that kid from The Blind Side.

I love that this random French girl we've never seen before shows up on this episode like four times with no explanation. Margofuckyourself

LOL Moments

I like how ABC is doing some content crossover from The Bachelor to Revenge. Between Vic and her son having a Bach inspired horse riding date to Nolan's Kalon inspired party parachute airdrop the script writers seem to be plagiarizing from their own network. 

Speaking of the weird sexual tension between Victoria and Patrick, why's there so much sexual tension between family members on this show? I can even feel a sexy connection between Jack and Carl.

Charlotte: I CANT BELIEVE WE HAVE NO HOUSE IN FRANCE. I HAD ALREADY CHARTERED THE CAR FROM BRUSSELS! - This from the girl who thought she was so down to earth that she was going to keep the baby whose dad was a Hamptons busboy.

Victoria's reaction to going to Binghamton was as if Conrad suggested she spend the summer in Uganda. Seriously though, Bing is such a shitty city that Connie has to threaten to sell Grayson manor for her to even consider going. 

So Emanda poisoned Conrad then changed his medical records so he thinks he has Huntington's disease. Why not go with something a little more embarrassing Mandy? Say a horrible compulsive UTI or like really unattractive dandruff? 

These Nolanisms:

"Ashley's been Daven-deported"

"I'm done with hacking. I'm Nolan 2.NO."

Nolan: I will be by your side until we have taken down everyone who wronged your father. Even that asshole who cut him off for that parking spot at Wegmans.

Conrad is commissioning a portrait of himself? It's actually pretty good, way better than the caricature I got at 6 Flags. "You're still missing the depth in my eyes. Arctic pools Layla, Arctic pools!" 

August 8th!? Like 8/8 aka 2 infinity symbols so deep! Emanda is your wedding theme going to be Buzz Lightyear? Why can't you just get an infinity tramp stamp like most trashy juvie girls this infinity shit is getting beyond boring. 

This  bonfire at the end of the episode is like Laguna Beach meets Are You Afraid of The Dark...only instead of Alex M. confronting Jessica about hooking up with Jason, Emanda goes over her plot to kill her future father in law.




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