Revenge Recap: The Dog Days Are Over

By The Betches

Based on the amount of times they mentioned the White Haired Man last night, you'd think Christmas was coming early. Nolan and Emanda are the Hampton's Cheech and Chong yet they can't figure out this elderly man's name? What about just calling him 'the old dude'?

Nolan: What are you gonna do next Em? Emanda: I'm gonna create a reason for them to meet again, then I'm gonna track the White Haired Man to where he's hiding Nolan: And then? Emanda: You know what...I'm going to dye his hair...brown.


white haired menThese men also have...white hair


So with everything that happened last night, including the big Emanda/Jack kiss and the dead dog, the thing that shocked us most was the noticeable decline in Daniel's hotness. Can he please go back to being the adorable dumbfounded alcoholic with a really great tan whose biggest problem was a gay killer ginger/BFF on the loose? Now he's all "I'M A GRAYSON" and sucking his dad's corporate teet. In your case Danny, stupidity is cute, responsibility isn't.

Call Outs:

Why are Nolan and Emanda besties all of a sudden? Last week Emanda was choking Nolan and now he's calling her Ems and brushing her hair. Sorry ABC but you can't just randomly choose an episode to put these two on a nickname basis. Doesn't everyone know that Ems is OUR nickname!? If Nole starts calling her Emanda I'm going to start looking around my room for the whale cam.

Lydia? How many times does that woman have to be thrown off a roof onto a car windshield before she fucking dies? Is she a vampire? Maybe season 3.

Declan is rebounding with Miss Frizzle. Bitch came all the way from Yonkers, apparently on the Magic School Bus.

The Graysons are considered American royalty? YOU WINTER IN THE HAMPTONS!!!! On another note why would they be going to private school in the Hamptons!? IT'S CALLED DALTON, ABC. LOOK IT UP!

Daniel would be stupid enough to think it doesn't look suspicious at all to write a one million dollar check to a witness in his former trial of 2 weeks ago. And Jack would be stupid enough to pretend he's going to start a charity with it. What are you gonna start the world's smallest charity? For what, old dogs?

Also, Nolan sneaking into Santa's house was like the least smooth thing ever. The guy didn't even call for cable repair. We're talking about the man who killed THE David Clarke, you think he'll be deceived with a penciled in mustache and a custodian costume? This bro fooled everyone in jail and you're just casually fucking with his cable wires? ...But uh, sick stache Burt Simmons, second cousin of Richard.

Charlotte the addict has advanced from buying pills from her prep school ex-boyf to buying wholesale pills from a sketchy black man in a shitty car. But where will she pick her spot to hustle, the corner with Starbucks or Van Cleef and Arpels!? You're a pusher Charlotte, you're a pusher.

We would talk about Sammy's death here, but that shit goes straight to LOL moments.


cable guy white haired man nolanFree cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac, White Haired Man...


LOL Moments:

When Mandy prepares for the covert White Haired Man op, she sticks a knife in her boot. Like where do you think you're going, Q-Zar?

Or how about Nolan's text message play-by-plays: 5:01 He's here 5:02 They're sitting down 5:04 WHM is picking nose

During Lydia and Victoria's late night art destruction rendez-vous: "We used to be besties, what happened!? Why can't we just get along like we did at the Christmas party in 2002 where we killed that guy? I wish we could bake a cake filled with whale cams and sharpies." ...Lydia, I'm sorry for throwing you off a balcony and holding you hostage in my house. And I'm sorry for repeating it now.

Emanda's closing monologue: "Grief is a merciless master" ...uhhh, what?

And how about everyone freaking out about Sammy's disappearance. God forbid someone should let Sammy the 900 year old dog out to wander the wilderness without food, water, or toilet. However his death scene alone deserves a standing O. Why the fuck was Jack sobbing so hard? Like pull yourself together bro, your dog is a million years old. Thanks for being such a good listener. Thanks for teaching me about loyalty and friendship. Thanks for teaching me how to love. Thanks for losing your virginity to me.

No but really, how many xanax did they give this actor dog?

So like, you're really a huge loser Jack. After blowing your nose on Emanda's sleeve, don't forget to wipe your vagina. Like you have balls, CUP THEM. Just a warning Mandy, don't be so quick to start dating Jack, you might be committing yourself to life with a strap-on.

Last week's recap>>





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