March 18, 2013
Another week, another episode of the longest running, most dragging season of any series I've ever watched ever. Like fucking hell there's really TWO more episodes left!? This season has lasted longer than a typical winter on Game of Thrones.
But on to the actual show or at least the thirty percent of it which makes any fucking sense to me. The episode starts with this line: "oh a match" and woah, who knew David Clarke fancied himself some Tinder? The script writers were obviously trolling some old One Tree Hill for some reusable plot lines and thought giving a white girl a fake black brother was the way to go this episode. We meet Eli who's given quite possibly the worst coverup job I've ever heard. Rare books? What the fuck is this? Hogwarts? Next Emanda's foster uncles will probably show up claiming to own an emerging maple syrup conglomerate in New Hampshire.
Finally, we learn that young Emanda had a knack for burning down houses as a child. It would be great if she reverted back to the personality of fellow pyro, Phoebe's brother Frank Buffay Jr. I'd probably have a higher attention span for this show.
Doesn't anyone wonder what Emanda does in the Hamptons….like breakfast meeting with WHO?
Everyone on this show speaks in such a low octave. Like SPEAK UP, I get that you're trying to be scheming and menacing but I need a fucking hearing aid to understand literally all scenes where Conrad's talking.
Sorry to be repetitive but there is no happy hour in the Hamptons for rich people who would obviously work in NYC after labor day.
Earth to Jack: Who just takes a mic and makes an impromptu speech at a party at someone else's house without asking?
On the infinity box: How do they allow a lockbox full of secrets in maximum security prison?
So Eli just hands over the check to Victoria that Emanda just gave him which obviously would have Emily Thorne's name on it?
Victoria literally JUST met this guy and is making him co-chair of her illegal foundation? I think NOT.
Emily and Nolan could easily be members of PLL with their proclivity towards not just telling Jack the fucking truth when that's obviously the move.
Does anyone actually do any work on this show amidst plotting to murder, kidnap, and extort people? Considering they're collectively in charge of like, billions of dollars, everyone's got a lot of free time.
"I know ruining lives is in your DNA but I'm not allowing you to destroy more innocent lives to pay for our sins and/or spring break 2013." - Daniel
But really, what IS the initiative? Like, get a Wikipedia page.
I feel like Emanda's brother would be better if Chris Rock played him.
Young Emanda burned down her house when really she should've just burned all her hair off. Look at those split ends.
As if Nolan is the only guy in the Hamptons with sandy hair and blue eyes. A better/more accurate description would be: "Tall, sandy hair, blue eyes, flaming homosexual."
Jack is whining as always… "If you and Emily were my REAL FRIENDS!! Friends don't let other friends' wives die in freak boat fire accidents"
"Are you telling me Eli is a wolf in sheep's clothing? I'm just relieved he's not allied with Emanda and that he can add to the black people count at my party."
Most completely ridiculous lines of the episode:
"Whoever wrote the code protecting this bank account is same person who sealed your father's fate." Oh of course, the Falcon, hacker legend.
Nolan: The man the myth the Falcon is back on the Grayson's payroll.
Emanda: Then lets go hunting.
Nolan: "Faux bro climbing mount Grayson like it ain't no thing" - Who the fuck approves these scripts?
[Side Note: Was it 'faux bro' as in fake bro or 'FoBro' as in foster brother? The world may never know.]
Ugh I cannot wait until next week when red sharpie returns from sabbatical to circle a pic of The Falcon.