RHOBH Recap: Carlton's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

By The Betches

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are getting too desperate for words. They've resorted to fighting over religion, which everyone knows is the last thing you're supposed to be talking about in a social setting. But of course, Bravo went there. I honestly didn't mind Carlton so much in the beginning but now she's just proved psychotic. The only thing I agree with her on is that Kyle is an idiot for calling her anti-semitic. I didn't even know Kyle was Jewish three weeks ago. And what's with everyone getting tattoos? Bravo must have a groupon.

One thing I will say is that the birthday for Ken and Mauricio was gorgeous. I guess that's what you get when they get to combine budgets for two cast members' parties. However there were like wayyy more place settings than there were people involved in filming which obviously begs the question of what the other dinner party attendees think of this bullshit. 


"I'm from this town. I know what's real and what's fake and my new friendship with Lisa is definitely fake."

“We wanted to keep it small and intimate so we just invited you and the camera crew. “

Did they hire Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer to do this little cameo dance?


"Don't tell me you're my friend...you're not my friend, otherwise I would've invited you to my stepdaughter's wedding"

"I feel really confident that I've given Gigi all the right tools modeling contacts to succeed in New York"


"Everybody loves a comeback story and when I come back it’s going to be as a butterfly"

Did Kim google image ‘butterfly’ then print it out have it tattooed?

"I always say that when I pass on, I'm going to be a butterfly" ...but I thought your brand was loving turtles?

I bet Kim’s wishing she still had her pain killer addiction because this tatt would def hurt a lot less.

When Kim’s daughter goes to college and hooks up with a random then turns around the next morning and sees her tattoo she’s gonna think of her mom.


"Life is a sexy little dance and my wedding planner should be the next real housewife."

I like that Rocio walks around looking real pissed off. And I cannot fucking believe Ken just said that they let the dog pick out what Rocio wears. Talk about a caste system. Way to make her feel like a human.

Lisa brought some women to doggie paddle in the pool. They were supposed to be synchronized swimmers! Why don't you just make Rocio do it, she's hardly a person.



"In my world money doesn't talk it screams at you for no reason"

“Don’t ever ask me if I would do anything to you or your family.” Didn’t she JUST SAY last episode that she was going to put a spell on her.

Carlton: Why would you even think I would put a spell on your family?
Joyce: Because you said last time that you put a spell on me.

'The difference between Joyce and Kyle is that Joyce is too dumb to function.”

"That necklace went right into a glass of distilled water, because I was cleansing it, to make sure her shit wasn't on it."

Who starts shit with someone at their husband’s birthday party?


"You can never be too young too thin or too excited by a restaurant’s menu featuring food that you def will not eat"

"What is flippancy? I haven't been flippant-y"


"In Beverly Hills the higher you climb the farther you fall into your book about being a single alcoholic."

“Unlike in life books are actually judged by their covers.” Umm not unlike in your life idiot. Hence why you got a boob job and there's more botox in your face than in a small botox factory.

“My last book editor who I adore was a huge pussy” Did you have too many issues with your ghost writer?

I like how Brandi pretended for a second like she was going to do her cover with no makeup. I also like how she pretends to put her kids in time out for "cussing" meanwhile her catchphrase is "shut the fuck up."

Can Nancy like put down her dog for like a hot second?

The one thing Brandi does have right is the cleanse. And how vodka sodas totally count.




Powered by Disqus




Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login