RHOBH Recap: Fear and Loathing in Palm Springs

By The Betches

Last night's RHOBH was actually a great episode, complete with lots of exciting fights, Xanax babble from Brandi, and an array of interesting noises from Kim.

When the housewives began their journey they were all "hoping" it would be "so relaxing" and everyone would "act like adults." As if. These women couldn't have acted any more childish and mean from the second they got there, even though in the car they were JUST taking about how nice they were all going to act.

Between Brandi taking it upon herself to change Joyce's name and the not-cute-anymore cackling from Team Yolanda-Carlton-Lisa-Brandi, even we thought they crossed the line from funny to mean for no reason. Like it would be one thing if Joyce were a bitch or a supreme weirdo and wasn't trying to be the nicest person ever, but being mean to someone who refuses to do anything but smile back makes you seem like a sociopath. Whatevs, at least they weren't acting fake, because Kyle would def know about it. One thing I know is, these women need to stop acting like Carlton and Joyce can't have an opinion on what happened last year just because they weren't there, because that shit aired on TV. 


"I'm from this town. I know what's real and what's fake and Carlton’s boobs are def fake."

Who did Kyle hire to accompany her to this clothing store and tell the camera how good her butt looks?

OMG Kyle in this Jeep commercial when she bought her daughter like a BMW for her 16th birthday. Sure he drives a Jeep. Sure she likes it rugged. I'M SURE.

Can you please wear smaller fucking jewelry?


"Don't tell me you're my friend, GET IN THE FUCKING POOL!"

Carlton, we’re going to call you Blackie because that’s what we call my brunette friends in Holland.

Yolanda talks about her first time with the master cleanse as if it were her virginity.


"Everybody loves a comeback story, especially starring my juicer"

“There’s something very spiritual about Palm Springs.” Chill Kim, not everywhere you go on vaca has to be a spiritual mecca. This is southern California not an ashram in Tibet.

Her tagline this season should've been "Why can't we all just get along like we used to in middle school when you were in middle school and I was a child star"

"I can’t go a second without my juicer. How else do you think I crush my pills?" Juice is so Kim's new alcohol.


"Life is a sexy little dance and I will not sleep in the dungeon."

I love how Lisa equates a twin bed with sleeping in an attic or a dungeon.

"Siberia? Hunny I think you're there already" - nailed it.


"In my world money doesn't talk, it gets extremely tan and tatted up"

To Kyle: “I don’t like to be judged. You interrupted my story about my magical black cat and you accused me of using magic.”

Carlton is making Kyle out to be a serious witch hunter. This isn't Salem, Carlton!

“I have a tattoo that’s a cross and it says fuck you and it’s to ward off the devil or like, the other ladies of Beverly Hills.” What kind of mom has a ‘fuck you’ tattoo?

“It’s not bloody peer pressure Kyle. It’s just me saying if you don’t get in the motherfucking pool you can’t sit with us.”

If there’s anyone who’s black it’s Carlton.


"You can never be too young too thin or too smiley."

Joyce needs to stop smiling and looking like Michael Jackson.

Please stop referring to these women you’re paid to hang out with as your ‘girlfriends’. This isn’t a Tyler Perry show.

My husband asked me if I wanted to invite my girlfriends to Palm Springs and the producers said yes!

“As someone who’s old as fuck, Yolanda should agree to disagree with Kyle."


"In Beverly Hills the higher you climb the farther you fall into my box."

Yolanda: The first time I was in Palm Springs was the first time I did the master cleanse
Brandi: Oh really it was the first time I did cocaine
Yolanda: What?
Brandi: I’m just kidding. That was San Francisco.

“When you want a guy to stop having sex with you you just choke him or continue talking about how your husband left you for Leann Rimes. I find that both ways work."

Joyce is a good person but she’s mad annoying yo.

“When I think of the name Joyce I think of an old, old ship.”

“Half the time when I call Joyce Jacqueline and it is TOTALLY A ACCIDENT, the other half of the time I do it to annoy her.” Okay the Jacqueline thing is actually pretty rude.

“I’m not bullying Joyce I’m just being a huge bitch!"




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