RHOBH Recap: Catty Ken and the Chamber of Secrets

By The Betches

I can't believe the climax of the final season of RHOBH that we will be recapping (sorrz) was Ken calling Yolanda stupid and the Vanderpumps leaving a party early due to a fight over whether or not Lisa read a magazine. This show has literally achieved never-before-seen levels of catty stupidity and the reunion looks so sad and pathetic yet thrilling at the same time. The saddest part is that I don't even know which of the housewives I'm rooting for anymore, like I kind of hate them all just with mixed degrees of tolerance for each of them. If anyone came out on top this season it was Gigi Hadid or like, the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce. 


"I'm from this town. I know what's real and what's fake and this whole show is fucking fake I’m over it."

“I felt like it was a day late and a dollar short.” I actually like that phrase! Unlike somebody's obviously planned George Bernard Shaw quote. 

Mauricio: I love you man. I’ve always loved you.
Ken: Kk.

Is Kyle seriously trying to turn Portia into the next Bravolebrity? Has this channel not sufficiently exploited your family members yet?


"Don't tell me you're my friend, lemon me."

“If you’re real friends there should be open dialogue and I should be able to verbally abuse you whenever my heart desires.”

“I haven’t seen Beyonce with that kind of an attitude.” Are you insinuating that anyone on this show is comparable to Beyonce?

“Every day I just go into Gigi’s room and cry.” Kim and Yolanda like both their daughters are dead. RELAX. Every episode Yolanda’s less favorite daughter is prob racking up a higher therapy bill.

Yolanda: I'm a very intelligent woman.
Ken: You’re not that intelligent.

After beating Lyme Disease, Yolanda is moving.


"Everybody loves a comeback story but if all else fails get a dog or move."

Ending story: Kim will always have her dog.


"Life is a sexy little dance and I may have fucked this one up."

Ken: Kim’s not on the same planet as us.

Kim: I’m sorry for calling you a grumpy old man.
Ken: Okay thank you #cattyKen

Just say sorry Lisa! She keeps turning it around: “I can’t do this every time I come out.” I’ve never seen someone refuse to apologize that much.


"In my world money doesn't talk, I talk about my money"

Omg this is actually Carlton’s parting paragraph: “Carlton returned the blue skull necklace to Kyle. Not wanting it, Kyle gave it to Joyce. Joyce left it on her front step…and it disappeared.” Jesus it's a stupid necklace from Kyle by Alene Too, not the heart of the fucking ocean. WHY WOULD SHE LEAVE IT ON HER FRONT STEP BRAVO!? JK this is a better plot line than the entire season.

Obvi Carlton is doused in crystals.


"You can never be too young too thin or too barely in this entire season of RHOBH."

Yeah so we have nothing to say about her.


"In Beverly Hills the higher you climb the farther you fall in love with Lisa."

Since when do Kyle and Brandi take the limo to parties together? What’s next, Dionne asking Tai for sex advice???

“I think the best thing to do is have three drinks then confront her.” WHAT IS THIS SHE’S NOT YOUR EX BOYFRIEND.

Hahaha it’s like Lisa is fucking cheating on her. “I do have feelings for Scheana.”

“Who gives a fuck about a fucking whore.” Right on. It's fucked up that Lisa is calling your ex-husband's mistress a lovely girl to your face.

“I’ve been under your spell for two years. You’re charming, you’re beautiful.” Omg you actually have a huge lesbian crush on Lisa.

“You saw the magazine and you looked at it.” Is the fight now about whether or not Lisa read the magazine or if she brought it? I don’t even understand but Ken swears Lisa never read a magazine.

Last week's recap>>




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