January 7, 2014
Last night on RHOBH Kyle exploited her children, Brandi continued to bitch about her lost dog, and Joyce’s hair grew at least another 5 feet.
"I'm from this town. I know what's real and what's fake and my concern for my children’s well-being is definitely fake."
"This event is not just for fun and Bravo’s ratings it’s also for the children.”
It’s pretty cool that Jamie Lee Curtis and Kyle were both in Halloween and now Curtis is like look how far we’ve come I star in laxative yogurt commercials and you’re on THIS fucking show.
“I think it’s important to have my daughters model for charity because
they need to get out there I need to exploit someone else in my family for screen time and it's mad awkz with Mauricio right now.”
Baby Mauricio is identical to Portia. She must have skipped any and all of Kyle’s genes. Girl’s cute now, but unfortunately she’s going to grow up to look like the butler in Mr. Deeds.
"Don't tell me you're my friend, tell me your star sign so I’ll know if we’re a match."
Yolanda rationalizes Brandi’s shitty behavior by calling her a Scorpio. So she’s one of those people who excuse other’s actions based on their birth date. These people kill me. Like if your daughter just shit in her pants are you gonna be like, omg she’s like such a virgo.
Side note - Does Yolanda wash her hair..ever?
"Life is a sexy little dance and I decided to dress up as a man for this tango."
“I don’t think this is the right time to be sorting out their differences.” - says the woman who arranged this get together so they could sort out their differences.
"In my world money doesn't talk it gets it’s name tattooed in huge letters on the back of my neck."
Carlton’s future stripper daughters Destiny and Mysteri get to clean the shit out of their dog's house this episode!
The tattoo artist loves the idea of using her daughters' handwriting so he doesn’t have to try so hard to write straight.
Also, that tattoo is enormous and weird. “I’m going to have a tattoo of my children’s names on me for the rest of my life or until I sacrifice one of them to Satan.”
"I can be trampy I’ve had my moments, just ask my husband." With that shirt and those pigtails? NO WAY.
“I think children should be polite. Which is why I tell them to tell themselves that they’re fucking fabulous. So I can get compliments on their manners and shit.”
Carlton is dressed in all black while doing the evil laugh and chasing after children with a hose. If I were her children I wouldn’t stop running.
"In Beverly Hills the higher you climb the farther you fall from the catwalk."
Brandi brought her black friend to the event to show the world she’s not racist.
Ken on Brandi: “She hasn’t been herself since she lost the puppy” Where’s Miss Lippy when you need her? Brandi’s like the tall bitch who lost her way.
"You can never be too young too thin or too careless about your SAT verbal."
“If God could forgive what humanity for what they did to his son then I can forgive Brandi for calling me Jacqueline.” - Great metaphor, I'm sure God is loving this.
Is Joyce’s husband like, Beethoven?
“Look how big the golf clubs are! They’re so big! They’re bigger than me because I’m so skinny!!!!”
Joyce: “I know we look the part!”
Golf instructor: Uh no you really don’t…
Joyce is such a jokester “Kyle’s golfing is as good as mine. NOT good!” LOLOLOL
Was Joyce joyking with that bedazzled dress she showed up in to the fashion show? Fucking blinding.
I just KNEW she wanted to speak Spanish to Lisa's help. GODDAMNIT JOYCE.
What’s chastise? What’s reprimand? Does Joyce speak English? This is awkward.
"Everybody loves a comeback story. Apparently I’m being replaced by my dog."
Now that Kingsley’s trained, it’s Kim’s turn.
Bravo needs to give Kim and Kingsley their own spinoff. Call it "Keeping up with Kim and Kingsley." I'd def watch.
Kim is starting to sound more and more like Brick from Anchorman: “I sleep on a European king with a down mattress and a quilt. Kinglsey sleeps on a crate. Tonight we will hunt squirrels together.”