RHOBH Recap: Luaus and Losers

By The Betches

The only thing that happens on RHOBH more frequently than Kyle's tears or a Yolanda lemon harvest are graduation ceremonies in the Richards family, and last night was no exception. This is clearly ironic considering neither personally graduated anything, especially not anatomy class. On another note, I wonder what their children think about the fact that their graduations are constantly being exploited as Bravo footage. I also wonder how it's taken me four seasons and like eight graduations to consider that.

Honestly the worst part of this episode was the absence of Yolanda. I hate that she has an actual life which gets in the way of her filming.


"Everybody loves a comeback story, especially starring my wiener"

Kim refers to her vagina as a wiener because she never went to kindergarten where you learn reproductive system slang. Or maybe that's what Shrek nicknamed your vagina?

My sister Kathy was supposed to have Kimberly's graduation party in her huge backyard, but then she had better shit to do like visit the queen of England. (Note to Kathy: your sister is sober, ridiculous excuses like that will not work anymore.)

Another indication that Kim has no clue how reproduction works: in her speech to her daughter she says she's so glad Kimberly "chose her to be her mom." It really just confirms that Kim is still mentally at the age before you start asking where babies come from. 

Whoa she gets really aggressive about Lisa coming to the grad party. What about Kingsley, he didn't show up and we don't see you freaking out on him. Why were you even talking to your hairdresser about Lisa's Saturday night whereabouts?

Kim: That was uncalled for
Ken: I’m sorry
Kim: Don’t you think?
Ken: No..


"In Beverly Hills, the higher you climb, the farther you fall into the toilet while dramatically vomming"

"Fuck off is great, like I think it should be on all clothes all the time" (samesies Brandi, samesies.)

One who graduates is not called a "graduater," it's a graduate. Come on, it's the name of a movie, you didn't even have to go through it yourself to know the word.

Stop announcing the dick pic texts you receive on TV. Again, you're a MOM. 

The vomitting is faker than Lisa's faint and Joyce's extensions combined. A lot of coughing, and you're literally speaking words while vomit should theoretically be coming out of your mouth.

Brandi's excuse for being a bitch in Palm Springs is because she’s a bitch.


"In my world, money doesn't talk, it pays for alcohol...when I'm not at the lame party of a sober person"

When you're installing a burlesque room in your house I think you're a little past pole dancing 101, no?

Could you BE any more drunk at this graduation party? 


"Life is a sexy little dance, and I'm going to let Ken take the lead in fighting with these idiot women"

...Because all foster kids need gowns in adult sizes. All the clothes the women bring to donate are the most glittery tacky frocks imaginable. Totally for the kids.

LOL to Ken telling Rosia she's not underprivileged. As if he'd even know an underprivileged person if she swam across the Rio Grande then walked into his house and started wiping down the countertops.

"I was in Mis-SUR-i"


"I'm from this town, I know what's real and what's fake, because I eavesdropped on your conversations."

It's time to bring your dog to Kingsley's trainer. Family discount?

“I'm not getting involved, I’m listening thats different than getting involved.” Whatever helps you sleep at night.



"You can never be too rich, too thin, or too talkative in a language you aren't totally fluent in"

So you really came to the grad party dressed as the Chiquita banana bitch.

Her hair gets bigger every week to the point where it will overtake the entire screen and by the reunion we will not even be able to see how stupid she is.

We get it Joyce, you were bullied in high school! I'm so sorry people made fun of you for being skinny and having nice hair. But the best part of this whole bullying thing is that the symbol for the FRIEND campaign is the middle finger. What's next, the Weight Watchers logo's going to be a cheeseburger?

Really, you brought supermarket cupcakes in a plastic container to the house of a woman who makes stadium-sized floral arrangements for fun and abides by actual tea time. 

Maybe learn to speak English before you speak constantly. Even babies are smart enough to crawl before they walk. 




Powered by Disqus




Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login