Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: The Puerto Rican Inquisition

By The Betches

This week we learned that humidity is not a good look for Lisa Vanderpump and also that she may have once wanted to bring a magazine to Palm Springs. I feel like it's shadily in the contract when you get a spinoff from a Real Housewives show that you will accept your character being destroyed on said show after you get your spinoff. Just ask Bethenny. 

Last night was so truly riveting even Ken and Mauricio couldn't stay out of it. I love how their fighting takes place on like the bus we took to the club on Spring Break, it really brings back memories. If you want to give yourself a good laugh, just sit back and recall some of the things the housewives have fought over this season: whether or not a magazine was in a suitcase, if Scheana was at Dancing with the Stars, cancelling plans late, blue and gold skull necklaces, Jewish Star misidentification, if Lisa fake fainted, the casting of spells (or not), the word "bully", and the correct pronunciation of Joyce, just to name a few. I can't believe I still watch this shit. 


"I'm from this town so I’m obviously an idiot."

Dinner was too peaceful so she had to end it by declaring "I have anxiety" out of nowhere.

"I'm an idiot." Yes you are.


"Don't tell me you're my friend, tell me you’re my non-Hollywood friend."

Yolanda like so desperately wants to tell all these Puerto Rican people to learn to speak English but she can’t.

What do you "need to tell” Lisa, Yolanda? That she says mean things behind Kyle’s back that you also personally laugh at?

I like how Yolanda calls this ambush of Lisa a "conversation."

Wow all it takes is one late cancel for Yolanda to turn on Lisa.

Yolanda: She’s 55 years old she can speak for herself.
Lisa: I’m 52.


"Everybody loves a comeback story that’s why I’m moving"  

OMG watching Kim speak Spanish was the highlight of my night. I want to watch an entire episode of her speaking only in Spanish. Although you know those lines were totally fed to her by producers and she was happy to oblige in order to show everyone she can still act. 

I would be 0% surprised if Kim packed herself in her suitcase and forgot.

"You're a big stubborn old man!" Kim talks about him like she's a 5 year old and he's her grandpa. He's not THAT much older than you Kim!

I actually LOLed at this...

Ken: Why weren’t you at my daughter’s wedding.


"Life is a sexy little dance and I may have skipped a beat this time"

“Giggy’s bathroom is bigger than this” - things down to earth people say. God forbid you have to share a bathroom with the man you married. The horror!!!

Lisa sheds real tears for like the first time ever. I can't believe she has tear ducts.

DID YOU BRING THE MAGAZINES!? MYSTERY OF THE YEAR no pun intended on Carlton’s kids’ names.

“I never called anybody a slut pig because I’m such a good friend.”

Lisa is really having a breakdown if she’s drunk and smoking on national TV.

This Lisa/Ken convo is very House of Cards/Game of Thrones. 


"You can never be too young too thin or too close with your mom"

I know that my father and the Bravo producers would’ve wanted me to continue with my life and go to Puerto Rico.

Joyce’s cousin’s name is legitimately Deliris.

“I hope my mom’s around when I die.” That's some narcissistic shit.


"In Beverly Hills the higher you climb the further you fall in love with Lisa"

Brandi has a big lesbian crush on Lisa and since her feelings aren’t reciprocated she’s trying to take her down.

“Kyle told me you’re calling her in the morning. You haven’t called me. You haven’t checked in on me. You never go down on me anymore.”

“I’m not a mean girl,” says the girl who has been consistently bullying Joyce for the greater part of this season.

“I found out that Lisa and Scheana are thick as thieves.” Brandi and google are a bad combination. Also if Scheana was at Dancing with the Stars it was obviously arranged by her agent, not by Lisa. Get with it, Brandi. Are you a Bravo-lebrity or not?

Take a lie detector test?? That's OD.

Brandi and Lisa are having a Pam and Jim type moment. “I’m sorry you misinterpreted our friendship.”

Brandi’s dysfunction is heightened by her various fucking hand braces.




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