March 18, 2014
We should have known better than to be super excited for this reunion, or at least for part 1. Like it was so boring, they spent a solid 20 minutes talking about Kim’s sobriety and her amazing season and another 10 arguing about what a shit hole Calabasas is. Well, we can’t argue about Kim’s amazing season because while the other women called each other racists and anti semites, Kim was just like, fuck it, I’m playing with these squirrels. Come to think of it, she would get along really well with Eric Matthews. (+a million points if you know to which episode I’m referring.)
Since people really come to a reunion to prove to their peers that they are the most successful and hottest in the group, we figured that the best way to recap the Bev Hills reunion is to rank the housewives from biggest loser (#7) to all around winner (#1). It will most likely change next week, and the final winner of the season will be announced in the Part 3 recap. Let’s get started.
She didn’t say anything this week. All she did was giggle like a child at Brandi’s juvenile digs towards Lisa and Joyce, and look like a gross man.
But really Joyce, Brandi nailed it. Didn’t know you and Michelle Kwan were so tight that she’d let you borrow her clothes. Like, what could you have possibly been thinking when you put on that unicorn sparkle fest you call a dress? “Ay dios mio I look like a princess." No Joyce, you look like a blinding baboon in horrible Loubs.
She does receive some points for saying Brandi is tall as fuck and hooks up with fugly short guys. Too bad she’s really stupid and used the one example where the guy was gay. “I saw you bending over kissing a guy with your tampon sticking out"
It’s really really pathetic to watch Brandi basically grovel at Lisa’s feet. She may seem like she’s strong, but all she wants is Lisa to take her back as her adopted Mommy. But Lisa’s tactic is to deny while Brandi’s is to accuse so who’s going to look like the crazy bitch? This guy.
On the black people can’t swim backlash, “My house was egged, I got threatened at Home Expo. I paid the price.”
“I looked it up I paid $9.99 I know you lived in Calabasas!!”
Obviousy Lisa is different off camera than on camera. Who wouldn’t be?
On getting blackout: “I’m 41 it’s gonna happen!” - like no that’s more what you should be doing at 21.
If I have to hear one more thing about Yolanda’s Lyme brain.
“You just dismissed my painting party like it was no big deal when my Gigi was leaving, you know you painting her a shitty picture would’ve meant a lot to her.” This is ridiculous no one wants to spend their Saturday painting stupid shit for your daughter that she def doesn’t want just because you made the guacamole yourself.
But really, that haircut? You look like a Swiss ogre on a diet.
It’s hard to believe Kim is ranked so high because Kim literally has no bearing on anyone. She didn’t call anyone a slut pig this season, unfortunately. All she did was call Ken a grumpy old man which is just stating a fact and accuse Lisa of missing her partay. The reason she is high up here is because even though she has her crazy moments, she does not act like a petty, insecure teenager at the age of like 50 something. Squirrels.
Whoever is doing shit to Lisa’s skin needs 4-5 gold medals, immediately.
Haha Lisa’s blood pressure is “touch and go” ...she could faint at any moment!! Andy should ask her every 10 minutes, “Are you gonna faint now? Good.”
“I had a blackout in Villa Rosa” aka IN YOUR HOUSE
Brandi: You used to say that you needed a passport to come all the way out to where I live.
Lisa: And you used to say you want to sleep with my husband. It’s called a joke.
Kyle not only looks super hot, even though I like her hair darker, but she’s saying enough to make her seem unafraid of the bitches, but seems to knows when to her mouth closed showing that she doesn’t want to say something stupid...so far.
Somehow, I have a feeling this ranking will change.
Andy has not only the best transitions, but will say what we’re all thinking. Like, "don’t the Kardashians live in Calabasas?” and “Is there something bad about living in Calabasas?”
And here was my line of the night:
“Moving on. Joyce, you made a joke about your vagina being tight…Please elaborate”