RHOBH Recap: When Kimmy Met Squirrel

By The Betches

Put aside the fact that bugs and wild animals have been a main source of drama this season, I think Kim was more excited about seeing squirrels than I was watching last night’s episode of RHOBH. It was like the cold leftovers of the episode prior but with a drunker Brandi, a tanner Carlton, and a rabid Kim.


"I'm from this town. I know what's real and what's fake and this drama is about as real as Carlton's boobs." 

What’s an episode of Real Housewives without waterworks from Kyle? It's not over until Kyle cries hysterically and calls everyone mean!!

Kyle and Joyce get along because they both speak Spanish, have long black hair, are sensitive, and love wearing silky patterned dresses. But contrary to what you’re thinking, they’re different people because the former has half of a personality and the latter has no personality.


"In my world money doesn't talk, but I can talk to animals!" 

Must you remind us EVERY week that you get along with animals better than with humans? Fucking Snow White.

“I can’t stand drama,” says the girl who went bat shit on Kyle over a dead bee.

Carlton gets along with wild animals so well because she too has rabies.


"Don't tell me you're my friend, just listen to me tell you over and over that friendships take time and patience." 

Bla bla bla my husband bla bla Lyme disease bla bla bla charity event bla bla bla have you seen my house? I decorated it.

The Canadian tenors are in the house so it’s a perfect opportunity to have a party says no one ever except the producers at Bravo


"In Beverly Hills the higher you climb, the farther your dog will run the fuck away from you" 

You are a total lez but it’s hilarious.

“I don’t have a drinking problem, I have a drinking solution”

“If you come after her you come after me.” Brandi is a regular Jesse Pinkman.

“Yolanda’s children are my life.”  So excited for Brandi's children to hear her say that.

“I don’t need backup. I don’t need backup. I don’t need backup.” Chill Carrie Mathison this is a trip to Palm Springs not a covert mission in Iran.

To the assistant: “I’m not blaming you but this is the second time my dogs are missing on your watch.”…apparently someone does need backup.



"You can never be too young, too thin, or shove your nose too far up someone's ass." 

It must suck that your first name is a punch line


"Life's a sexy little dance and this opener becomes more irrelevant with every episode" 

Starting to think you’re a master manipulator but I also am starting to remember that I don’t care.


"Everybody loves a comeback story but I will not be dismissed by Lisa while taking a poop! Did somebody say squirrels?!!" 

Ah my favorite character, the resident alcoholic. This bitch needs her own reality show but she can’t know she’s on TV. Hidden camera shit. I’d love to watch her walk around her house talking/singing to herself, her dog, and her CVS slippers.

No Kim, you don't get rid of the torches you're holding when you move forward, you get rid of grudges. Torches are a good thing to hold for someone. You poor little thing you.

“I said it from the beginning and I’ll say it again Yolanda, I love your aura and I’d love to be your friend.”

Going up a mountain is the perfect time to recap Kim's childhood career. After finding out Kim was on Escape to Witch Mountain she and Carlton are now BFFAE.

“If it were Kingsley, I don’t know what I would do. I’d have to find another wild beast to speak to, like my ex Ken.”

“Those squirrels changed my day.” I feel like Kim has the song “All I Really Want Are SQUIRRELS” playing on perpetual loop in her head.




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