Rich Men Are Extremely Metrosexual And This Is Somehow News

By Lisa Vanderbetch

Is it just me or are men these days high maintenance AF? Take The Bachelorette for example: Jordan I-live-in-my-brother’s-shadow Rodgers probs takes more time to do his hair than an entire episode takes, and that’s for-fucking-ever. Anyway, now a bunch of smart people like doctors and shit are coming out saying that it’s not just me and rich men really are the new women. AKA, as per usual, I’m right. Obviously.

Apparently, today’s alpha males (side note: wtf does that even mean?) are way more into their looks than previous generations of assholes alphas and doing shit like injecting Botox into their faces, hiring personal shoppers and keeping up their bodies past the age of 40. So like, what women have been doing forever? Got it.

There are a bunch of reasons why all these docs think this is happening. Some say it’s because women are super successful, and between making our own money and, ya know, creating life in our bodies, men are kinda fucking useless. So if anyone needs to stay hot forever, it’s them. The feminist in me does backflips over this theory, but honestly, that’s not it. The rest say it’s just another way for these guys to have more power. And thank God, because there weren’t enough ways for men in the 1% to dick measure already. One hedge fund bro even said he stays in shape because he’s so powerful and rich that living forever would be like nbd for him.

And with that, I’m finished because between the bottle of rosé it took to get through this and all the eye rolling that happened along the way, I have a headache the size of these douchebags’ egos.




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