June 14, 2012
It surfaced this morning that some time last night Chris Brown beat the shit out of Drake and/or members of his blacktourage. Obviously no news here, Breezy throwing a punch is less notable than the strains of gonorrhea infiltrating New Jersey. What must be examined is the subject sparking the beef between these two bros: none other than our favorite island princess, Rihanna. Last night’s incident is just one of the many recent which are adding fuel to the fucking wildfire that is our growing concern over the dark path RiRi is heading down.
We all know the inevitable outcome of hitting the club too many times. You either shave your head or become a very questionable lesbian, neither of which are fantastic image enhancers. We are Team RiRi and we don’t want to see her fall down this ominous black hole...the metaphorical one.
As you obviously already know from her BOTW, Rihanna is seriously badass and like chic as fuck. She’s achieved more betchiness in her six years on the pop scene than Madonna has in her eighty and her body makes us slightly question our heterosexuality. But recently, it seems as though Ri’s fast track to superstardom might finally be catching up with her and it’s starting to seriously fuck her shit up. Don’t get us wrong, we are all for letting our girl live it the fuck up. By all means roll j's (and balls) at Coachella and do coke at strip clubs. The problem here is the resulting behavior of her partying ways.
Recent RiRi acts we are so not okay with:
-Rehab: Getting told by Jay Z that she needs to go
-Recent overall appearance: She is looking more and more like a Somalian pirate or the women we see on the beaches in the Bahamas who offer to braid our hair.
-Nails: We understand that you prefer to do coke with your pinky rather than off your bodyguards head, but honestly Ri, it’s called a fucking manicure.
-Tweets: Arguably the most alarming aspect of this downward spiral. What happened to the pop princess we fell in love with circa "SOS"? If we were to judge her tweets unknowingly, we’d guess they belonged to a Caribbean gangster trying to sell fake diamond veneers on the black market.
Honestly, we don’t really give a shit what Rihanna is like in real life because we don’t know her. We only care about her public image because that is what we see, therefore is what matters. Like drink and do as many drugs as you can pump into your body without losing your Jamaican dancehall physique. Just don’t go to rehab six times. Resist the urge to put your ghetto inclinations on Twitter. And for the (we found) love of God, do not get back together with Chris Brown. We understand you’re having a hard time getting over it, we know how it goes. Once your eye goes black you never go back, but it’s time to move on. Especially when you have such a nice Jewish boy like Drake vying to chill under your umbrella.
So betches, RiRi Watch 2012 has officially commenced. And while we do hope we’re wrong, we obviously aren’t. Who’s betting on a drug arrest before Labor Day?