May 13, 2015
American Idol is being cancelled after its 15th (billionth) season, fucking finally. When American Idol began back in 2002, it was a beacon of hope for waitresses who had some talent to get famous. It was like the American dream for wedding band lead singers. Naturally, we haven't watched Idol since middle school ended, but it was a very important part of our pre-teen lives.
The OG judging panel with Randy has-been Jackson, a drunk Paula Abdul, and Simon Cowell's poorly disguised contempt was more inspiring than the actual contestants. They taught us the most important life lessons: Have a catch phrase, always bring a flask, and only clap when you're actually impressed.
TBH, the best part of the show was the audition rounds where the producers would purposefully pick the most bizarre people so we could make fun of them. William Hung's thirty second audition gave my 6th grade class more material than Kelly Clarkson's entire career. Sure the actual competition with decent singing and Americans voting to change someone's life were great, but nothing was better than watching a tone-deaf, middle-aged man butchering a Darius Rucker song.
Many important moments in a betch's life were marked by American Idol. Pretending to like country music because of Carrie Underwood, falling in love with Blake Lewis and his white-boy beat boxing, and being outraged when Chris Allen beat Adam Lambert (still not over it).
The past 5 years have been pretty shitty for American Idol though. The judging panel became Hogwarts' Professor of Dark Arts. Nobody stayed for longer than a couple seasons. Lol at Kara Dioguardi and Ellen Degeneres. The betch fights between Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey were an absolute highlight of the show's 15 season run. Besides Jennifer Hudson, the best thing about Idol was when Mariah said, "I didn't know she [Nicki] sang. I thought she rapped or whatever."
Now it's been left in the hands of J. Lo, Nicole Kidman's husband, and Harry Connick Jr. - IDK. The contestants have been even shittier than normal (sorry David Archuleta). It really does make sense for Fox to finally pull the plug on the sinking ship. The next season will basically be a giant pat on the back for the show, so it'll probably be full of cameos from former winners. But they better reunite Randy, Paula, and Simon for the finale, for the the sake of humanity.
So, dawg it was a little pitchy and it's going to be a no from me, but it's been a great 15 seasons. Deuces American Idol.