Welcome to Rob & Chyna: the show that America didn’t need, and probably didn’t even want, but the one we definitely deserved. The pilot is titled “Are You Still Texting Bitches?” because E! doesn’t want you to have any illusions about the quality of the next hour of television you’re about to subject yourself to. It also very aptly lays out the conflict that our star-crossed Instagram stars will try to resolve throughout the episode: is Rob, or is he not, still texting bitches??
We open on Rob and Chyna on a hike while they describe how they first met. It’s a story for the ages.
Chyna: I first met Rob at Kylie’s sweet sixteen…just one year before she’d start dating the father of my fucking child.
Rob: Yeah it was hella romantic.
There are essentially three topics of conversation that are brought up multiple times throughout the episode: Chyna’s ass, Rob’s texting habits, and the extreme juxtaposition between their lifestyles growing up. The fact that Rob lived in Kris’ womb until approximately the age of 21 while Chyna had to work for everything she has is a clear point of contention in their relationship and most likely a recurring theme throughout the season.
Early on we’re given two nuggets of valuable information that will shape the rest of the episode.
While Rob’s access to their shared home is limited, it’s obviously an open door policy for everyone else. We’re introduced to a few supporting characters right off the bat: Nanny Joy, who has been helping take care of King since he was born; Paige, Chyna’s best friend and fellow member of the “science can’t explain my ass” club; Sam, whose only real role so far seems to be driving Chyna around and making fun of Rob.
Most importantly, it is clear that Scott Disick will be a regular character on this train wreck of a show, probably because it gives him yet another excuse to not spend time with his children. He offers Rob solid life advice like “Jesus Christ, take your fucking insulin. You have diabetes.”
They spend a lot of time doing bro things like hitting up fancy barber shops where old white men can shave them while they talk shit on Kim. Thank God for real friends. Scott also frequently throws out bouts of wisdom like “you probably have mental issues.” I mean, you’re not wrong, but Jesus Christ. How fucked up does your life have to be that Scott Disick is your voice of reason?
Rob and Chyna head to the doctor for a checkup and to find out the sex of their child. I realize that this is a titular moment in the episode, but first I have about 1000 questions about Chyna’s ass, the first being how the fuck she fits it into anything. She’s only worn spandex or sweats thus far, leading me to believe that technology has not yet created a denim that can contain it.
Rob: I’m so excited. I want a boy so bad.
Doctor: It’s a girl.
This news brings with it the first appearance of a character we actually care about: Kris. She shows up to Rob and Chyna’s home with a giant gift pink basket full of baby goodies. This is a super cute gesture that anyone would be excited about, except Chyna because they had planned on a big gender reveal surprise.
Chyna: Why do you tell your mom everything? King doesn’t tell me everything.
Rob: King is three.
Later that night, the real tension sets in when Rob flips out because Chyna gets three texts in a row. Celebrities, they’re just like us. Rob claims to be insecure because his last girlfriend fucked him over multiple times and gave him severe trust issues. Chyna reassures him by telling him he’s insane and leaving the room.
The next day Chyna has come to the conclusion that Rob must be texting bitches and projecting his issues onto her. If you also thought this was an insane line of logic, prepare to get your shit wrecked by a screaming, pregnant woman the likes of which I’ve never seen in reality or fiction. Props to Paige, who managed to sit in the car next to her throughout the entire ordeal without either laughing or diving out the window.
Chyna: Are you still texting females?
Rob: Like as in member of the female race? Yeah. I have approximately 67 female relatives.
Rob tries to apologize to Chyna the next day but makes the first cardinal mistake of interrupting a pregnant woman while she’s eating guacamole. She tosses his bouquet into the pool in front of Sam, Paige and poor Nanny Joy, who undoubtedly doesn’t deserve any of this shit.
Rob: I’m really sorry Chyna.
Chyna: * does not accept apology *
Rob: Wow you are BATSHIT.
Nanny Joy sits Chyna down and tells her that if she wants this relationship to work, she probably shouldn’t kick Rob out of their home every other day. I don’t know where Chyna found this woman, but she’s out here dropping truth bombs like it’s her job. Hopefully all my future nannies also come with a built-in psychology degree.
On their next bout of male bonding, Rob fills Scott in on his latest relationship drama as if the man isn’t currently holding the crown for least responsible or functional father of all time.
Scott Disick, a grown man with three children: Let’s get "fuck bitches, get money" tattoos.
Chyna takes King and her friends to Sky High, the perfect leisurely activity for a pregnant woman. The biggest development here is that Rob has been MIA long enough that Chyna is actually concerned, so she decides to go seek him out so she can crush his what’s left of his masculinity in front of all of her friends. This means a quick trip to his home for some casual breaking and entering.
Once it’s clear that he’s not there and not harboring any females, her next stop is Kris’ house. Paige and Chyna instantly start talking about how beautiful it is as they pull up out front, which I feel like was mandated in Kris’ contract before she agreed to appear on the show.
Paige: I’m just like, such a ride or die friend
Chyna: Wanna come in with me?
Paige: LOL BYE BITCH
Chyna is rightfully nervous about her conversation with Kris. Going to in-laws for relationship advice is a bold move in any situation, so I’d imagine plopping down in front of Kris Jenner to talk about her one child that doesn’t wrack in millions of dollars a month would be more than a little nerve wracking.
Kris: So what’s going on?
Kris: Let me rephrase that. What the fuck you doing kicking my son out of his own home?
For all intents and purposes, Kris is very straightforward with Chyna. She tells her that Rob is starting to get his shit together but it’s still a process that’s bound to have setbacks. There’s also the point of his lasting body issues and very obvious depressive tendencies. Like, this family has so much goddamn money, someone get that kid to therapy.
Literally nothing is resolved by their conversation, much like most interactions on this show, but the lead up to it was dramatic enough to make us all believe that something actually just happened. The magic of editing.
Chyna crying over the lack of jelly in her fridge is me every time I come home drunk and try to find food in my house. “There’s nothing here! It’s like no one cares!!” Fucking SAME, Angela.
Kris finally gets ahold of Rob and brings him over to discuss his issues with Chyna. Whatever they talked about was far less important than watching Kris Jenner try turkey bacon for the first time. “It tastes like rubber. Who eats this shit?” Poor people, Kris. Poor people do.
To her credit, Kris is far more impartial in this situation than my mom ever would have been. Instead of immediately talking shit on Chyna, she tells Rob that relationships are hard work. Like, even harder work than a failed sock line.
The episode ends on a cliffhanger. Will our two lovebirds work it out? Will Chyna find any jelly? Will the two of them be forced by on an incredibly uncomfortable double date with Kylie and Tyga? Only time will tell.