The two main themes during this week’s episode are that Rob isn’t a reliable party guest and Scott needs a fucking hobby. Apparently being an absentee father to three children leaves you with a lot of downtime.
We start out at Chyna’s house for her friend/employee's birthday. Rob was supposed to come but is nowhere to be seen and Chyna tells Patty, the birthday girl, that she hasn’t spoken to him if four days. Patty is like, “Cool, but now please stop talking about your relationship during my goddamn party, thanks.”
What kept Rob so busy? Just some quality time with his best friend/brother in law/mental health guru, Scott. Rob hasn’t been sleeping and generally looks like shit. It’s bad enough that Scott has to be like “Woah man, you should be taking better care of yourself.” Scott Disick: the pinnacle of physical and spiritual wellness.
Scott: I know everyone thinks I’m perfect, but I’m not.
Rob: Literally no one thinks that.
Rob calls Chyna during the party because he likes getting verbally beat down over the phone. Chyna just has one, poorly phrased question for him.
Chyna: What’s the reason you didn’t come today. Not the fake reason. The real reason. The reason that is real, not fake. The real real reason. What is the not fake reason that you didn’t come to this. Real reason.
Rob: What the fuck.
Rob tells her that he didn’t come because of their fight from last week and he didn’t want to give her more reasons to not be attracted to him, which is a super sad fear to have about your fiancée and mother of your child. Come on Rob, is all that time spent with Dr. Disick not helping you out?
Chyna: It’s hard for me when Rob is mean to himself because then I can’t be mean to him.
Rob goes to his mom’s house where weirdly enough, Scott is. Kendall (possibly? It was a K name? Kris could call literally any of them Kitty and it would make sense?) calls from a plane because she’s having a panic attack. Inside scoop: supermodel Kendall Jenner also fucking hates flying.
Instead of being anything resembling sympathetic Scott start mocking Kendall and then listing all of his and Rob’s problems. 10/10 would recommend sitting around and listening to absurdly rich people bitch about their problems.
Kris brings up the real reason for their pow wow: Rob and Chyna’s relationship. Shocker. No one has ever been this invested in any relationship of mine, including myself.
The recurring message this week is that Rob has to take care of himself before he can try and take care of his wife and child. Kris says it, Scott says it, Paige says it, Rob says it, King probably mumbles it. Everyone is on the same page here: Rob needs to get it together, but he has to do it for himself.
Kris: You need to work on yourself before you can worry about other people.
Scott, who said the exact same thing not ten minutes earlier: What does that even mean.
Inspired by this conversation, Scott decides to pick up a job that he’s even less qualified for than parenting: life coaching. That’s right. Scott Disick, human disaster, wants to singlehandedly pull Rob out of the hole he fell into four years ago.
Scott: I want to be Rob’s life coach.
Rob finally goes over to Chyna’s to settle things. The conversation that follows was probably important but I couldn’t focus on it because of Chyna’s baseball hat with what looks like a Furby attached to the top of it. The gist was that Rob apologized poorly and Chyna accepted it begrudgingly.
Next point of conflict: Chyna is going to Cannes to host a Daily Mail party and wants Rob to join her. Honestly, what the fuck. If I let Rob Kardashian knock me up, can I get sponsored trips to France too?
For his first task as a self-appointed life coach, Scott brings a personal trainer over to Rob’s house. They proceed to talk about jacking off (a common occurrence here) and then awkwardly warm up in Rob’s entry way while Scott watches from the corner.
Meanwhile, Chyna decides to confront a doctor that was talking shit on her in the tabloids. First of all, can you fucking imagine? One day your phone rings and it’s Blac Chyna, ready to eviscerate you over speakerphone while all of her friends listen. If she read this recap and called me to discuss some of the less kind things I’ve said, I would actually shit myself.
Sadly, the doctor didn’t answer. To be continued. I hope there’s an office visit in the future. But this little exercise served to introduce the next topic of interest: Chyna is getting shit on by the media and isn’t crazy about it. Her friend Sam tries to analyze the situation and make some comments about society in general, getting way deeper than the situation required. Make the most of that precious screen time, boo. Maybe one day you can get a spinoff.
To make herself feel better, Chyna and her friends go out for some fun group piercings. Two are getting their nipples pierced while Chyna and Paige get their tongues pierced. Watching the whole thing made me want to die.
A stylist comes over to help Rob get some outfits together for Cannes. He decides to cancel his entire trip after two pairs of jeans don’t fit. Anyone who’s everyone jean shopping knows that this is not even a little bit of an overreaction.
The next scene takes place in Chyna’s fighting venue of choice: the car. Once again, Paige silently sits nearby as Chyna rips Rob a new asshole over the phone. This time, it’s because he’s told her that he doesn’t want to go to Cannes because the pressure from the paparazzi will be too much. Chyna is shocked and says that Rob didn’t act this way when they first started dating. No fucking shit. No one is crazy in the beginning of a relationship. You have to lull people into a false sense of security before subjecting them to your actual personality.
Chyna: This isn’t fair to me or Rob. But mostly me.
Crazy girlfriend of the year: Scott Disick. Worried that Rob isn’t fully confiding in his life coach, Scott installs security cameras around his house. Not just cameras, but cameras with an intercom system so that he can yell at Rob from the comfort of his own home.
Rob: This is really fucking weird.
Scott: Oh wow sorry I’m such a caring friend. SUE ME.
Back in Cannes, Chyna is super nervous about her party. Paige compliments her outfit while doing her own hair and not even looking at it, like a good friend.
Scott: You don’t even masturbate as much as I would have thought.
Rob: How often do you watch me?
Scott: Every second of every day.
Rob talks about how he’s trying to be proactive about getting his shit together and that his biggest inspirations are Chyna and the baby. This voiceover occurs while we get to watch him struggle to put together a baby swing. The juxtaposition is poetic. Afterwards he immediately FaceTimes Kris. Mama’s boy reputation is going strong.
Two days after Cannes, Chyna is still mad that Rob bailed on the trip. Paige actually takes Rob’s side, saying that maybe a high profile event full of press wasn’t the best idea for a guy with crippling anxiety and confidence issues. Her argument is rationale, her points are all valid, and she makes the entire speech while wearing a Donald Chump shirt. She just went up 100 points in my book. Chyna struggles to empathize with him, despite literally complaining about the shit the media says about her two days ago.
Thanks to Paige’s interference and Scott’s life coaching, the two were able to come together and work through their issues in the most anticlimactic conversation of all time.
Rob: Yo do you forgive me?
IT’S TRUE LOVE FOLKS.