In the wake of last week and Rob’s little MIA stunt, Chyna doesn't even know how to approach him or their relationship. So naturally she calls on Kim, who shows up to Chyna’s Paper Magazine cover shoot with some advice: tell Rob to get his shit together or get out.
Chyna: Kim and I get along because we treat Rob the same way. Like property.
Through her dark powers, Kim manages to get Rob and Chyna in the same room to work out their problems. She gifts them each one baby shoe, and tells them that if they stay together maybe the kid will actually get to wear both. Drag them, Kim. DRAG THEM. RIP to whoever Saint ends up marrying because that kid is an infant and Kim’s passive aggressive mother-in-law routine is already on point.
Kim can only work so much magic, and at some point Rob has to step up and explain himself. Man, does he fail. His rationale for disappearing without a trace was “she blocked me so I blocked her.” No bruh. You left the state, blocked your family and the mother of your child, and bailed on your grandmother's birthday.
Rob: I'm happy. Chyna is happy. We're happy.
I am blown away by how poised and rational Kim is throughout this entire mini intervention. If all 100 of her other ventures fall through, she could definitely make some headway as a relationship coach.
The theme of this episode is “Everyone Tells Rob to Grow the Fuck Up,” and the next person on that list is Scott. That’s right, human disaster Scott Disick has to tell Rob that his actions are hurting the people around him and he needs to change. Can you imagine?
Rob: You really want to talk to me about how to treat people?
Scott: Of course not. I’d much rather being doing blow off an 18-year-old, but I am contractually obligated to be here due to that blood oath I signed to your family.
Scott convinces Rob to try out therapy, and for the second time this episode I'm shocked by how mature and composed someone is in face of Rob’s completely self-centered behavior.
Chyna takes Sam and Paige on a hike to drop some news: She wants a paternity test. You know the relationship has to be bad if she's willing to forgo the joint Kardashian bank account. Sam must see all his gay best friend perks flying out the window because he reacts pretty poorly to this news. But don't worry everyone, Chyna isn’t worried that Rob isn't the father. She just wants to shut down rumors in the media once and for all, while also giving Rob a little bit of a confidence boost.
Chyna: I know with my whole heart and vagina that Rob is the father of this child.
After his illuminating conversation with Scott, Rob tells Chyna that he's willing to try therapy out. He prefaces the admission with "I don't agree with this at all," but he's still going to do it. Baby steps.
Chyna enlists Kim's help for project Secret Paternity Test. They head over to his house to try to, and I quote, "get some DNA on the low," but their plans are foiled when Rob ends up being home. They decide to go inside and act totally natural, which means that Kim rolls around on Rob’s bed trying to pick hairs off his pillow while Chyna steals his toothbrush and Rob looks on, horribly confused by the women in his life. Their subtlety leaves a little to be desired and Rob instantly recognizes that they're up to something. It doesn't help that Chyna drops his toothbrush on the floor right in front of him.
They end up coming clean and Kim explains to Rob why Chyna has decided to go through with the paternity test. He handles it way better than expected.
Rob: Maybe next time just, like, ask for my DNA instead of trying to pluck hairs off my pillow.
They decide to have some nurses come to the house to run the test discreetly. It's a fairly anticlimactic experience except that Chyna asks Rob to drink a vial of her blood. I wonder what it’s like being a cameraman for this show. What kind of depraved shit do they hear?
Rob's first therapy session is primarily about his relationship with Chyna and the fact that they spend 90% of their time being mad at each other. He isn't psyched about the fact that she runs to his family every time they fight. The therapist basically tells him that he's pushing her away because he's scared, which my one term in Psych 101 could have taught us but okay.
After the session Rob heads back to Chyna’s, where she tries to ask him how it went. He doesn’t dive into any details, seeing as how it was all about her, but tells her he’s going to keep at it. The conversation seemed to end on a positive note, which I’m sure will last for the next 15 minutes.
Later Rob is over at his mom's, and she's talking about all the weddings she has to miss because of Kendall's fashion weeks. It must be so hard to have an outrageously successful supermodel for a daughter.
Rob tells Kris that he wants to do a whole family dinner and actually start being a functioning human again. Kris is ecstatic that she's finally getting her kid back, which is kind of cute.
Rob: So if you wanted to put something together I wouldn’t be opposed.
Kris: It was planned 30 minutes ago.
Chyna got a facial the day of the family dinner in a janky nail salon and they fucked her up. I honestly didn’t notice any severe difference, but it’s a topic of conversation for five minutes longer than it should be. Paige recommends letting Rob jizz all over her face, nature’s facial.
Rob hosts the dinner at Chyna’s and makes a speech about how much he appreciates his family. It was probably heartfelt but the entire thing was ruined by Khloé's godawful hair. Why is her entire head covered in mini buns? Literally everything about her is extra.
The episode ends on a high note: The results are in and Rob is indeed the father!
Chyna hopes that the baby will bring them closer together, because history shows that newborns definitely add stability to an already tumultuous relationship.
Despite any lack of real excitement, this was the season finale. In Rob & Chyna’s world, seasons only last six episodes and realistically all of the content could have been cut into one. What will next season hold? Most likely more unnecessary drama and crippling self-doubt. Until then, my friends, please be sure to use protection. Unplanned pregnancies only get you a reality show if you’re a Kardashian or a teenager.