April 26, 2013
Okay I'm not normally the type of person to write in to advice columns like this, but it's getting to an unbearable point, and I know you betches will give the most true advice around, so here it goes. I'm in college, and my roomie is my absolute bestie. We get along great and I love her to death, but there is one slight problem: her fucking boyfriend. HE'S ALWAYS HERE.
Day in and day out until 3 in the fucking morning. They're either fighting and he's making the room all tense, or when they're good i have to listen to their nauseating "couple talk" forever "NOOOO I'm kissing YOU first", and overall over obnoxious flirting and shit like that goes on for a good fucking hour or so. The main thing I'm mad about is during the week, I'm gone from 10 to at least 4 every fucking day, so its not like im never giving them any alone time.
She also gets like super embarrassed about talking outright about sexual shit, so she'll never come out and say she needs the room. No text, no elastic on the door, nothing, so I come home from a night at the bar to a locked door and I just have to assume and find arrangements for sleeping at 2 in the fucking morning, and the next morning "OH! we just fell asleep with the door locked OMG i'm sooooo sorry total accident oops!" I've also had the problem of waking up to him sleeping over and hearing...things occuring. LIke wtf not okay.
I've stressed to her so many times that all I would like is a slight heads up if they need the room for the night, but that never fucking happens. It's getting to the point that i cant even be in my own room anymore and i just don't know what to do. I love my bestie, I'm happy she's got a great guy, and i dont want to make a big stink about this entire thing and make everything super awkward, but I JUST CANT DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE. Please use your betchy expertise to help me find a good solution for this awful situation.
Third Wheeling Betch
Dear Third Wheeling Betch,
Okay so I see how these situations are hard to navigate without getting into a massive roomie blowout fight which only increases the awkwardness that you have to live in. Fear no argument like the fight with the bitch who sleeps five feet away from you. I'd suggest sitting her down and telling her ONE MORE TIME that she needs to give you a heads up more or go to his dorm of some shit because "it makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't think it's fair. Maybe you guys could go to his dorm sometimes. etc."
As nicegirl as this response sounds, it's really just so you can give her one more last chance to stop being a sexiling dictator before you really just fucking lose it on her. If after this nice chat she continues to lock the door to YOUR dorm room and have her boyfriend over all the time then you should really just go ape shit on her. I'm talking burning her jeans while she's at class type shit. No one should have to deal with feeling uncomfortable in the one 10' x 15' semi-private space they have at college. This bitch needs to take a fucking hint. You could also try coming back early with or without a guy and locking her out so she gets a feel for what it's like to to be stranded pounding on a locked door. She'll probably learn a little faster that way. If all else fails it's almost fucking May. This shit should be over soon enough so be sure to tell all your other friends how shitty she is as a roommate. Don't worry, nobody ever sides with sexiler besides the boyfriend.
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