What Would Ryan Lochte Douche? Quotes from the 2nd Episode

By The Betches

Last night on What Would Ryan Lochte Do we fell deeper in love with Ry and his low-brain-activity-stare while learning some new interesting things about the intellectual that is Lochte…the Lochtelectual.

He always knows exactly what girls are thinking when they see a guy with a short haircut:

"Now that I have this clean cut look I want a girl to be like "dammmmnn…what?"


He doesn't have a type:

"I don't really have a type, red hair, blonde, brunette, she could have green hair for all I care"


Making a speech is easier than the backstroke:

"I've never written down a speech. Ever."

"I was just gonna wing it."

"I didn't really write down my speech, I had like my bulletin points and then like uhhhhh like uh a fact."

"Dude I've talked in front of a lot of business people about stuff I didn't even know!"


He was able to get this sentence out:

"I'm going to help lobbying for a bill to get more funding for Parent Project for Muscular Dystrophy"


He has an assistant who is his BFF and his name is Gene:

Ryan: Is it bad if my pee is neon?

Gene: It means you're having too much sex

Ryan: How's that bad!?


Ryan doesn't have much to say about politics, or any other topic:

"I swim so I don't know about all this that's going on"

"Some people ask how does it feel to represent a country and I just like, can't put it in words"


But he did have some moments of clarity during his trip to DC:

"I guarantee I'll be the first one peeing in that reflective pool"

On the Pope: "I guess we can call him ex Benedict"

"Abe Lincoln...he's got some serious swag"

And lastly, the thing that explains it all:

Ryan: I just blanked out again

E! interviewer: What happens in the blank moments?

Ryan: I don't even know..something will pop up in my head…all of a sudden I'll have like a jumping banana in my head and I'll stop and pause and be like, 'that damn jumping banana.'" 





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