April 9, 2015
I’ve been hooking up with this guy since freshmen year, and I’m now a junior (so it’s be awhile). At first I didn’t think much of it. I liked him enough, we got along, and I felt no pressure to have any serious. During freshmen year, it went from me and my friend hanging out with him and his friend on nights out and then going off on our own for the rest of the night. But by sophomore year, when things randomly resumed again, he was less constant, sometimes a jerk, and it became very much a late night hook-up. In the spring, I didn’t want to sleep with anyone else and I was kind of wanting something a little bit more serious with him. But I never really brought up the subject, because we didn’t hang out enough to jump into a relationship and I didn’t want to be the one that was asking to spend more time together. So my horrifying combination of positivity and delusion allowed me to keep seeing him. Halfway through junior year, however, I finally just said like I think I’ve made it pretty clear I want this to be a little bit more than a late night/morning thing, and if he couldn’t even see me as a friend then we should stop talking completely (definitely not word for word what I said).
He ended the conversation by just saying “okay”, which kind of sucked (but didn’t stop him from drunkenly texting me that night to hang out). I thought I’d moved on, I started talking to other guys, but I wasn’t really interested in anyone I’d met. The fact that literally every single one of my friends are in relationships doesn’t help either. I kind of felt lonely, and when we saw each other out a few months after things ended, we picked up where we left off. I’m trying to be pragmatic about it by not getting too wrapped up. Part of me feels like its sad and slutty to let him get away with so much and still sleep with him, but another part feels like I’m not being a whore because I’ve pretty much only been sleeping with him for so long. I keep thinking that I finally appreciate it for what it is; if I’m not really interested in sleeping with anyone else and I understand nothing will ever come from it, then it’s fine to let things continue. But I know in my heart, even if this was someone I didn’t like at all, I’m not really into the idea of casual sex. I like to care about the person I’m with, and I’d hope they care about me too. I understand we’re both students and athletes so we’re busy, but everyone is busy and people still manage to find time to hang out if they want to. He is pretty immature about girls, and I know I’m unfortunately the most serious thing he’s ever had so I don’t understand why he continues to see me every weekend and some weeknights, but can’t commit to anything more than that. I won’t expand upon the relationship more, because I know it only comes off as excuses. I’m just looking for some guidance. I know the obvious answer would be to try and move on yet again, but I’m almost a senior, there’s only so many eligible guys out there now, and we have a lot of fun when we’re together. I’m sure this question comes up a lot and is not a big deal, but this has now been three years of my life and I really don’t know what to do at this point. Thanks for any advice you might have and sorry for the rant!
Dear Paragraph hater,
K, ignoring like 65% of the details in here because they’re irrelevant to me. Basically your problem boils down to this: you want something more from this guy, but he only wants casual sex, and you want to want casual sex, but you don’t. So, you could prolong your misery because your semester is ending in like, what, a month? Or you could stop answering his 3am “U up” texts and even though your vag might suffer in the short-term, you’ll be happier in the long run.
I have a feeling you already know what you need to do. I also have a feeling you probs won’t do it, which is ok because at least you have the summer to not talk to this SAB. Hopefully this will be like an “out of sight, out of pants” type situation. But just so you don’t feel like writing your letter was a total waste of time, as a bonus I’ll address some of your points, in bullet form.
- It’s not “sad” or “slutty” to hook up with the same guy you’ve been banging for the past three years. In fact, that’s actually the opposite of what most of us would consider slutty…?
- I get what you’re trying to say about the sad part—“why should I continue to give this SAB what he wants (sex) if he won’t give me what I want (a relationship?)”—but you can’t use sex as a bargaining chip to get a bro to shape up once you’ve already had sex. That ship sailed 3 years ago.
- As for the whole “Why does he fuck me on the weekend and some school nights but won’t put a ring on it” thing, it kinda goes back to that “casual sex” thing we talked about earlier. Like….just because you have feelings with the guy you’re sleeping with doesn’t mean he has feels for you, too? Yep, that sounded just as dumb as it did in my head. I get that it’s frustrating to be like, “I like this guy, we get along, we hang out a good amount and we are physically attracted to each other so wtf is missing?” but the answer is: he doesn’t want a relationship and no matter how strong your hookup game is, you’re not going to convince him otherwise. Sucks, but as our least favorite SAB’s often say, it is what it is. Or in this case, it isn’t what it isn’t?
-You’re in college; I’m sure there are plenty of other eligible dudes who would love to stick their dick in you, and maybe even be nice to you in the process. Just like, go out on the quad and throw a Solo cup and see who it hits, or something. If you think the dating pool is small now, just wait until you’re single in New York at 27 (at least, that’s what I hear).
TL;DR: If you want to be happy you have to get rid of this guy. It’s not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things if you keep it up for the next month but if you extend this shitty situation into senior year you’ll regret it (not to mention I’m sure your friends will stop listening to you “vent,” if they haven’t already). Don’t text him over the summer, and then if he tries to hit you up when you get back, hit him with the “Who is this?”. Classic.
You will be quizzed on this when you get back,
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