Science Says Cheese Has The Same Effects As Opium

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Science has finally discovered why you just couldn’t give up brie for Lent, and it’s not necessarily because you are a sinner who has no willpower and doesn’t care about Jesus. Well, that probably is the reason, but that’s not the conclusion scientists came to. It’s because, supposedly, as far as your brain is concerned cheese is basically heroin or opium. So now we know what drug Lena Dunham is actually on.

Researchers at the University of Michigan compared the addictiveness of certain foods. It found that unprocessed foods, like brown rice weren’t as addictive as processed foods. No shit…that’s because brown rice (like most unprocessed foods) is hard and bland and in general not too much fun to eat. Before this study, did scientists just think it was a funny coincidence that there aren’t any obese food addicts out there who can’t stop eating raw spinach and shit? How do I apply for the job of ‘scientist’? The study also found that there’s a 30% chance that it’s already raining. In all seriousness (ish), researchers found that foods processed with fat are the most addictive, hence why you love cheese so much, also hence why you’re getting so fat. It’s the things we love that hurt us the most.

Then the study jumped to looking at why people are so obsessed with pizza, at least I think that’s what happened (get your shit together, Elite Daily, I’m depending on you to be coherent so I don’t have to read the actual abstract). Apparently a compound called Casein, which is found in carbs, “releases extra dopamine [into our brains] every time we bite into a pizza.” No word on if Casein is pizza-specific or if this happens every time you eat a carb (like butter), but I’m assuming the latter, cause logic. So basically the reason half your Instagram followers can’t stop posting about pizza is because the combo of cheese and carbs has got them hooked, opium-style. Or maybe it’s because we’ve taken a perfectly good and normal food like pizza and turned it into an annoying fad, just like we did with bacon, and everyone needs to chill.




Powered by Disqus




Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login