Science Says Having A Huge Ass Basically Makes You A Genius

By Betch Waldorf

Since talking about asses is pretty much the only fucking thing anyone could do nowadays, it was only a matter of time before the scientists of the world started doing the same.

Gordon G. Gallup, say that 10 times fast, at the University of Albany decided to use his time and resources studying why we have “ass-men” in this world. According to Gallup, guys like girls with broad hips because they are most like to bear children more successfully. Obviously they aren’t like expressly thinking that when they are checking girls out, “wow, look at that girls ass! I bet she will have a very safe and easy natural birth one day,” but it’s the underlying thought, cause science says so.

Gallup also states that guys also like a girl with a skinny waist, because it signifies that she is not pregnant, like at that exact moment. So it works out perfectly because guys can hook up with you in the present because you’re not preggo, but when they feel like it, they can get you pregnant and you’ll probs have hot kids. It’s basic natural selection, but who knew Darwin was such a sexist? Basically bitches, you can keep Cellulite Sally and her big ba-donkey, but you better get skinny real quick if you ever want love in this world. Who said that? Tina the talking tummy!

But Darwin might have his shit twisted, because apparently if you can sit a cup on dat booty, you can also probably get a college degree. Gallup conducted a cognitive exams and found that the women with wider hips and a bigger butt scored much better than, like, other normal people...and those women also had smarter kids. The fat inside a women’s ass, called “gluteofemoral fat”, helps babies brains develop better while they are in the womb. So if your kid is moderately smart, congrats you have a fat ass!

Science has now also basically concluded that it is only a matter of time before Blue Ivy cures cancer. What’s Nicki Minaj going to remix next, Stephan Hawking’s “A Brief History of Time”?

Unfortunately, this scientific concept does not apply to Kim Kardashian, because any idiot with half a brain (and a flat ass) can tell that plastic surgery def created that monster that is attached to her lower back. Ugh and poor little North West, that child is going to need a little scientific miracle if she's to have a higher IQ than her shoe size.






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