Scream Queens Recap: #CAHOOTS

By Betch Ivy Carter

The episode opens on Zayday and Grace, who are making a trip to the shadiest corner store I've ever seen for snacks. It would appear that the food supply is low now that Ms. Bean is dead/undead/lacking a face.

In a move inspired by pure hysteria that will define the rest of the episode, Grace tasers an unassuming freshman in a red devil outfit, because apparently he was unaware that wearing it would draw some undue attention. I don't know what kind of bullshit liberal arts college this is supposed to be, but if there had been multiple campus murders directed at Greek life at my college, you can bet your ass the fact that the killer wore a red latex devil costume would not be an easily forgotten detail.

Upon discovering that #2’s body is missing from the freezer where they continue to store bodies despite them being repeatedly stolen, #5 grows a pair and tells Chanel she’s done with this KKT nonsense. The following quote is all you need to know from this scene, and quite honestly this entire episode:

“I got Eiffel Towered by hot morons who are brothers and now I’m out.”

That’s right, Little Miss Sunshine got DP’d by the Dicky Dollar twins. TBT to her Oscar nomination.

Grace and Zayday are finally starting to become suspicious about #2's lasting absence that has yet to be seriously questioned by law enforcement or the administration. They go up to her room to investigate where they are met by one Denise Hempstead who's like "FUCKING FINALLY, JESUS CHRIST. HOW DID ANY OF YOU GET INTO COLLEGE?" Denise continues to be the only rational person on this show by outlining some pretty damning evidence in the case of Ariana Grande's murder, the most prevalent being that she happened to go missing the same night she tweeted about being killed by the Red Devil. Literally no one looked into the well-being of a member of the sorority being stalked by a serial killer who tweeted about being murdered by said killer.

The three of them decide the only way to settle this is to go to #2's Bel-Air home and make sure she's alive. After a quick chat with her parents, they learn that not only did she never come home at all, but that #2 is a recovering alcoholic who found solace in the undoubtedly spray-tanned arms of Chad Radwell. Turns out he was banging all the Chanels, and while that's not necessarily surprising it is kind of sketch.

The funniest development of this entire plot line is that whoever stole #2's body is (poorly) staging photos of her to post on Instagram á la Weekend at Bernie's. She doesn't even look remotely alive, and I'm pretty sure she's in the same outfit she was murdered in. Are the police even attempting to solve this case jfc.

Dean Munsch, in her ongoing efforts to convince everyone that there is not a murderer running train on her college, hosts a Take Back the Night event to honor Deaf Taylor Swift and Boone, even though his death was ruled a suicide. This doesn’t sit well with Chad, who takes a break from mourning the loss of his best friend in the world and number one complimenter to break up with Chanel…again.

It was brought to my attention by a friend last week that Emma Roberts is only capable of playing one niche role: rich bitch millennial. While this may be true, we're totally on board with it because:

1. It never ceases to be funny
2. "Rich bitch millennial" is basically a secondary definition of betch and we are more than fine with Emma Roberts being our chosen representative

Her  portrayal of a whiny, delusional girlfriend who constantly degrades herself for the sake of her literal piece of shit boyfriend is so spot on it’s almost painful. Everyone knows that girl. Everyone hates that girl. Everyone should snapchat these scenes to that girl until she gets the hint.

Breakup 2.0 occurs in part because Chanel is still uncomfortable with Chad’s necrophilia kink, but mostly because the pledge class she recruited is so ugly that he probably wouldn’t even be able to have sex with her anymore without thinking about them. Chanel stomps her feet a couple times and makes some God awful noises of distress, but not even her symmetrical boobs and hotly shaven box is enough to entice the Chad Radwell. Way harsh, Tai.

Munsch uses Take Back the Night, a notoriously somber occasion, to premiere the school's new mascot. In light of their last one being adopted as a serial killer persona, the administration decided to honor the city's history and crown Coney, the first ever soft serve ice cream cone, the new school mascot. Coney's fame is short-lived.

After her impromptu trip to Bel-Air, Grace decides it's high time to actually start attending classes. However, her first day is derailed by the discovery that her hot ass dad is her Film Studies teacher. Instead of shutting up and taking the easy A like anyone else would have, she causes a scene in her full lecture hall. Hot dad of the century Wes doesn't let this embarrassing setback derail his lesson plan and proceeds to show Texas Chainsaw Massacre to a class full of students currently attending a university stalked by a serial killer.

An insensitive, macabre, and damning move on his part? I mean, yeah. But from the way the class reacted you'd think he was making them all sit through Human Centipede. Gigi shows up towards the end just in time for Wes' speech about how everyone is fucked up, but it's up to us whether we accept it and move on or use it to fuel a murderous rampage. This man has yet to be supsected.

Not at all coincidentally, mere hours after an entire class of students got to watch a movie about a psychopath who murders kids with a chainsaw, Coney is chainsawed in half with a person inside him. I, too, have considered cold blooded murder when someone has attempted to steal the spotlight from me.

In a friendship that I didn't see coming but probably should have, #3 declares the predatory lesbian pledge her new best friend and soul mate so that she can spill her deepest secret: Charles Manson is her biological father. Obviously this would pin her as number one murder suspect if it got out, but seeing as how neither her parents nor Charles Manson seem to actually know about it, the only way this would get out is if #3 revealed it herself. Which she just did. Whatever, we probably shouldn't expect logic from the girl who wears furry earmuffs everyday (a quirk that will apparently be explained later).

Predatory lez and #3 decide to become alibi buddies (alibuddies) in the event of the next murder. Premeditating your alibi is 100% the way to look guilty, a conclusion that neither of them came to.

After catching Hester snooping around her closet and probably sniffing her underwear, Chanel decides the only way to win Chad back is to give makeovers to all the donkey face pledges. This plan will absolutely backfire and Chad is just going to end up banging the newly hot Hester, but makeovers are fun to watch so it's fine.

Grace decides to finally seek out Pete and apologize for accusing him of murder. Thanks to the levels of thirst that only college-aged boys are capable of holding, Pete instantly accepts her apology. The two compare sleuthing notes and find out that one of the mysterious names Pete found last episode matches the transcript of a student from 1995 who dropped out of college two credits short of graduating. In her second impromptu road trip of the episode, Grace heads off to some town six hours away with Pete to question this new potential witness.

In a scene straight of the SVU writer's room, the Dicky Dollar Scholars (quickly becoming my favorite part of the show) deduce that Boone could not have killed himself, due in large part to the fact the people don't generally commit suicide by slashing their own throats. Thus commences Take Back the Night: Dicky Dollar edition.

This scene in which the Dicky Dollar Scholars, clad in all white country club wear, storm the streets drunk, roided-out, and wielding baseball bats to avenge their fallen Brother Boone set to “Backstreet’s Back” is the greatest cinematic masterpiece of our time. Nominate it for every award. If I ever die under suspicious circumstances and my friends don’t reenact this exact scene, they were clearly never friends to begin with and are definitely getting haunted.

Honestly, this entire episode belongs to Chad Radwell, who understands the number one rule of the ghetto: if you walk around with a baseball bat screaming the Red Devil’s name, he has to come out and fight you. Unfortunately for Chad, the Eiffel Tower Twins, Earl Grey (for real, the hot British guy’s name is Earl Grey) and the fourth unnamed Dicky Dollar Scholar who had a hard time coming to terms with Boone’s overwhelming gayness in spite of his self-proclaimed love of boobs, their plan works too well. They are met with not one, but two Red Devils who have both brought a gun to a knife fight, or more aptly, a chainsaw to a wooden baseball bat fight.

All the steroids, L.L. Bean, and vengeful love for Nick Jonas in the world couldn’t help the Dicky Dollar Scholars, and this incredibly one-sided street fight ends with an unconscious Chad Radwell and an armless, and presumably dead, 5th kid who’s name wasn’t important enough for me to look up on IMDB.

While walking to KKT by herself because she's learned NOTHING, Zayday gets picked up by Denise who promptly handcuffs her and accuses her of being the killer. She lists some purely circumstantial evidence followed by one particularly damning fact: Zayday has a chainsaw under her bed.

Goals: Keke Palmer's "bitch, please" face. Zayday denies all of Denise's accusations and explains away the chainsaw as a precaution sent to her by her grandmother after her taser had been confiscated. Last time I checked, chainsaws aren't typical college care package fodder, but somehow this half-assed excuse manages to be enough for Denise, who lets her go.

As an attempt to cock block Gigi and Wes disguised as general concern for the Kappas, Munsch suggests that she and Gigi move into the house for a week. After a particularly uncomfortable triple salad date (not a thing), Gigi and Munsch head up to their shared room in an empty mansion occupied by eight girls.

Some people listen to rain sounds to fall asleep, and some listen to ambient horror tracks. Munsch is the latter. After cycling through whale distress sounds and baboon fights, she settles on the slasher flick soundtrack setting. Gigi can't hang (obviously Munsch's plan) and heads down to sleep on the couch. Not into one of the countless empty rooms in this sorority house- the couch.

Predictably, the Red Devil shows up and after a short-lived tussle in which Wes shows up and offers zero support, Gigi roundhouse kicks the chainsaw wielding killer across the room. Who runs the world? Sorority advisory board members who witnessed traumatic murders in the 90's Girls.

Of course, the red devil sneaks out the window before they can get to him, and moments later Munsch comes down the stairs, claiming to not have heard anything due to her murder sounds. Wes instantly accuses her of murder, which means she can't be the murderer because they never get accused this early on.

Questions I'm Left With:

How have none of the Chanels, who for sure spend a collective six hours a day on Instagram a piece, not picked up on the clearly staged photos of #2's missing body?

Where is Boone? Is he at least comfortable wherever he is?

When will we be graced with the appearance of Brad Radwell, the eldest Radwell played by Chad Michael Murray? This is not a fucking drill, Lucas Scott is coming to Scream Queens. Gird your loins, ladies. 




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