TBH, the Thanksgiving episode of Scream Queens was a lot like real Thanksgiving: I looked forward to it all week, it proceeded to not live up to the hype I created in my own head, and then I almost fell into a wine-induced slumber halfway through. Honestly, thank God for the Radwells and what is clearly a genetic-based depravity or the entire thing would have been a wash.
The entire episode can pretty much be broken up into two plot lines:
1. The orphan Thanksgiving at Kappa made up of not real orphans, but just spoiled girls who didn’t want to hang out with their own families (not including #5, who was rightfully abandoned by hers for the Maldives. Honestly, fucking same).
2. The Radwell Thanksgiving, complete with barely concealed derision and a level of unapologetic WASPiness that I haven’t seen since Eleanor Waldorf graced our televisions on a weekly basis. Never forget.
We’ll start with the Radwells, because Chad Michael Murray was there and the only ray of sunshine in an otherwise pretty desolate affair. Chanel opens the episode by confessing her (attempted) murder of Hester to Chad, who is instantly turned on because, you know, dead bodies.
Chanel takes Chad to the completely non-secure meat locker where she continues to store the victims of her 100 lb. white girl rage despite the fact that not a single one of them has stayed put. Shocker: they discover upon arrival that Hester is no long chilling on the floor of the freezer (pun intended) at which point Chad points out that she probably isn’t dead. At first I thought this was a stretch, but then I realized that Hester’s level of crazy transcends even fractured spinal cords, so Chad may be onto something.
It turns out that he absolutely was, because Hester waltzes into the Radwell dining room in the middle of dinner while each member of the family is listing the things they are thankful for. These included, but were not limited to: eastern European porn, Brad’s (CMM) successful career at an LA based talent agency, and the fact that Chad would probably one day move on from Chanel. This episode was another installment of rich families hating their sons’ girlfriends who also happen to be filthy rich, something I haven’t understood since I watched the Huntzberger’s shit all over Rory the first time Logan brought her to dinner. Like honestly, what the fuck happens on the East Coast. Get your shit together, guys.
Mrs. Radwell, who is already not psyched by the presence of Chanel at her table, is distinctly less pleased when Hester announces that she has “a little Radwell” inside of her. There were countless ways to break that news, but that’s what she went with. Chad’s mom loses it, admonishing him for bringing not one but TWO gold digging pieces of trash into their home and sullying the Radwell name. I swear, it’s like there’s a rich white people handbook to handling unfit girlfriends.
An incredibly uncomfortable dinner is followed be an even worse game of Pictionary, during which the entire Radwell clan fucking tears Hester apart as they try to guess the answer “Neckbrace Whore.” I have never been party to an animosity-free game of Pictionary, and even I found it to be brutal. It’s a testament to how awful it was that Chanel stands up to defend Hester and denounce the Radwells in general. She calls Mrs. Radwell an old leather bag that learned how to speak, winning my heart and the respect of unappreciated girlfriends and daughter-in-laws across the country.
Chanel and Hester storm out to head back to Kappa, where a far less exciting Thanksgiving has been taking place. It all started when #3 bailed on her own family, who are also indecently rich and yet continue to eat frozen Thanksgiving dinners off of TV trays, and teamed up with Dean Munsch in the previously unused Kappa kitchen.
They are joined by Grace and Zayday, who decided to bail on Oakland Thanksgiving (a safe choice for everyone involved), Wes, who was bailed on by Gigi and his own daughter, and #5, who was abandoned by everyone because she fucking sucks. This entire room of supposedly college educated people didn’t realize it takes an entire day for a turkey to cook and are left to entertain themselves while they wait for dinner.
Their entertainment of choice? Accusing each other of murder, obviously. Each person goes around the room with their own theory as to who the second red devil is. It is worth noting at this point that none of them know that Gigi is involved or that Boone is dead.
Munsch thinks Chanel #3 is the killer, primarily because her dad is Charles Manson. This would-be damning fact is actually #3’s saving grace, because if she’s Charles Manson’s daughter then she can’t be one of the bathtub babies, who everyone collectively decided is the team behind this. #3 comes back with an accusation of her own: Munsch is the killer.
Everyone in the room jumps on this because they all hate Munsch and she has about every motive in the world to kill Kappas. It seems like they’re about to go full Lord of the Flies on her when Wes interrupts with his own theory: that his own fucking daughter is the killer. Happy Thanksgiving honey, just here to hang out with your friends and accuse you of being a serial killer. To be fair, the evidence is really stacking up against Grace.
1. In case everyone hasn’t noticed, she’s pretty obsessed with these murders.
2. She is also obsessed with Kappa and her mom.
3. Her campus visit the year before just happened to coincide with the spray tan attack on the former president, an event that Grace was INSIDE the house for.
The lesser Chanels craft a theory that Grace found out the truth about her mother before coming to school and created the Red Devil so that there would be something even shittier to remember Kappa by then the president who let a girl die in a bathtub because her favorite song came on. This seems pretty valid to me.
Things are looking pretty bad for Grace until Pete waltzes in, uninvited, with another theory: Wes is the killer. That’s right, Pete put his passion for investigative journalism before his romantic interests by accusing his girlfriend’s dad of being a murderer. Where is this kid’s Pulitzer?
Pete’s evidence seems pretty flimsy until he gets to the end of his long and dramatic speech: a Maury DNA test revealed that Wes is Boone’s dad. Everyone in the room is shocked by this news, including Wes who was a self-proclaimed slut in college and probably knocked up a lot of Kappas.
After this incredibly tense round murder accusations, the turkey is finally ready and Thanksgiving can begin. Chanel and Hester arrive just in time for the festivities, followed closely by Chad who Chanel instantly forgives, and the ragtag group of potential killers sits down for a wholesome family meal. The only person missing is Gigi, who, as it should probably be noted, was having her own sad hotel Thanksgiving in the beginning of the episode with the lone remaining Red Devil.
I think we all saw where things were going at this point. A silver platter that is supposedly the turkey is placed in the center of the table, but when the lid is pulled back it isn’t Tiburon (the Wallace University sanctioned turkey) staring back at them; it’s Gigi’s head. Cue horrified screams from everyone and snores from me because this entire episode was a series of loose string that had to be tied together before we get to the finale next week.
I am going to be so thoroughly disappointed if Ryan Murphy falls prey to the sex-change trope and the red devil twin sister turns out to be a post-op Pete. However, that’s my current working theory, so I’ll be bracing myself for clichéd let down next week. Do you have a different theory? Leave it in the comments so we can all argue with each other like old times. Besos, betches.