I have mixed feelings about last night’s season finale of Scream Queens, but that’s possibly just because I had to miss the VS Fashion Show to watch it. There was minimal Chad (con) but a considerably amount of time spent talking shit on #5 (super pro).
We pick up right where we left off last week, with Pete telling Grace he won’t have sex with her because he doesn’t want her first time to be with a murderer. This could have possibly been a nice sentiment if he didn’t spend the next ten minutes trying to justify being a part of the Red Devil team and convincing her to run away with him, which would presumably lead to them eventually having sex and then her first time would still be with a fucking murderer.
That’s right, Pete is one of the Red Devils, but not in the awful sex change way I had been dreading. All the way back on the night that Denise’s friend was murdered while patrolling Kappa, Pete caught Boone in the act. Instead of immediately murdering him, Boone recognized that Pete was one step away from strapping a bomb to his chest and marching into the nearest Greek establishment and recruited him to the team.
The way Pete fervently described the righteousness of his mission to Grace is what I imagine it’s like to listen to a bunch of old republicans fan girl over Donald Trump. I was annoyed at his self-righteousness, sickened by his total lack of empathy, and completely entertained by the way he kept repeating his same point even though he was so clearly wrong.
The final straw for Grace, and any girl who’s been cornered by a party by a kid who’s taken one philosophy class, is when Pete throws out a Nietzsche quote in an attempt to validate his cold blooded murder of Dodger and Boone. That’s right, fucking Pete killed Nick Jonas. There is no justice in this world.
We also finally get to the bottom of Pete’s hatred for Chanel, which is as superficial and baseless as the rest of his reasoning for being party to the rampant murder of students. The year before she tricked him into some truly embarrassing role-play and let the Chanels watch as he ran around her closet in full on caveman gear. This was embarrassing for him, so naturally he shot her in the shoulder with a crossbow. Cool motive Pete, still murder.
It’s clear that this conversation isn’t going as well as Pete had originally planned so he pulls out his last trick: professing his love for Grace and explaining that everything he did, he did for her. Surefire way to a girl’s heart: cite her as your reasoning for stalking and killing the members of her sorority. Works every time.
Just as Grace is about to storm out of Pete’s dorm he tells her that the other killer is one of the Kappas, which predictably brings her right back in to his literal murder den. He’s about to tell her who the second bathtub baby twin is in some last ditch attempt at redemption (because Pete is the definition of entitled nice guy) when the second killer jumps out of his closet and stabs him, at which point Grace goes full fucking Rambo and bashes her head into the wall about 10 times before the red devil knocks her out.
Remember last episode how Chanel was abandoned by her squad at the pool, left to attempt to murder Dean Munsch all on her own? Well she went home to write the “missive of all missives,” and it is exactly what you were expecting and then some.
Chanel recreates the crazy DG recruitment email that we all know and love and it brought back sweet, sweet memories of the first time I got to read it and thanked my lucky stars that I never followed through on one of the many threatening emails that sat in my drafts folder while I was in charge of Greek Week. The Red Devil (who we now know for sure is a Kappa) forwarded the email to the entire campus, after which it was picked up by all major news sources. Chanel was facing total social ostracization, and she wasn’t taking it well.
“Despite my outward bravado, I was dead inside.” Same, Chanel. Same.
She decides that the only way to overcome the public ridicule is by killing herself a la Cleopatra: getting bitten by an asp that she ordered online. Just when I think I can’t love this girl anymore. Zayday arrives in time to stop Chanel/point out that her asp is in fact a garter snake in a sweater and won’t actually kill her.
In an unholy alliance that no one predicted, Zayday stands by Chanel and convinces her not to kill herself with a heartfelt speech that she ruins with the phrase “like my Grandmama always says...” Just as they decide it’s time to stop the Red Devil once and for all, he/she runs in and attempts to attack them with a candlestick.
They instantly apprehend him/her which is sign #1 that this isn’t the Red Devil. Zayday unmasks him to reveal someone that we’ve never seen before and I was about to lose it if Ryan Murphy was going to pull some bitch ass PLL twist on us, but it turns out that the poor kid was just a pizza delivery guy that the real Red Devil coerced into attacking the girls….while wrapped in dynamite. They drag him down the stairs and gather the rest of the house just in time for him to explode all over the very white foyer. No one is injured, but #5 is traumatized and so am I for having to listen to her voice once a week for three straight months.
Before the blood of the pizza boy is even washed off the walls, Chanel has moved on to her next plan: recovering her reputation with an apology tour. Her first stop: Melanie Dorkus, the victim of the acid spray tan incident. Chanel still claims she wasn’t actually behind the attack, but everyone thinks she was so it’s a good place to start.
Post witnessing the murder of her boyfriend who also just confessed to being a murderer, Grace runs to her dad for some much needed advice. Further cementing his status as the most incompetent father on television (a long list full of great contenders), Wes tells Grace that Pete was a pretty good guy despite his murderous and vengeful tendencies. To be fair, Wes was also in a relationship with a murderer, so his taste can’t really be trusted. He then suggests that they lock themselves in his apartment until the Red Devil kills the rest of the Kappas. Like, try and be a little slimier.
BUT WAIT HE DOES. In a ploy that allows Grace and Zayday to sneak around looking for God knows what at this point, Wes seduces the dean with some rose petals, a pair of far too small underwear and a specially made playlist entitled “Doin' the Dean.” She is initially skeptical, but not even stone cold Dean Munsch can withstand the advances of a middle aged man in black bikini briefs while shitty 80’s music plays in the background. What follows is what I can only imagine is some truly frightening sex.
Outside the room and within earshot of the headboard banging, Grace and Zayday go through the official transcripts of all the Chanels trying to find any suspicious courses that could give away their murderous tendencies. If someone were to judge my sanity on the shit that I registered for during my first two years of college I probably also would have been accused of murder as well as an uncomfortably intense infatuation with Greek mythology.
They discover that one of the Chanels has taken multiple classes that would have aided in her Red Devil work and also happened to have a completely falsified transcript. It’s almost like something the fucking police should have caught onto about 30 seconds after the first murder.
Some really uncomfortable pillow talk reveals that Dean Munsch can fucking rock it in the bedroom and also that Wes is a stage 5 clinger. The life-changing sex he just had completely changes his perspective on the Dean and he proposes a relationship before they can even finish their post-sex cigarette. Keep it in your tiny, tiny pants, Wes. Munsch agrees on one condition: Grace has to go. Honestly, that’s not even much of a compromise. Grace fucking sucks.
Back at Melanie Dorkus’ where Chanel is about to start her apology tour, #5 bails under the pretense of her first ever Tinder match, but the weird smirk she leaves them with probably points to some far shadier shit. Or that’s just her face. Idk, I can’t stand #5. Chanel attacks Melanie Dorkus assuming that she’s the killer and almost succeeds in stabbing her before Grace and Zayday storm in with their newfound evidence: Hester is the killer. Honestly, none of us should be surprised and yet we still kind of are.
They all run back to Kappa where they find #5, whose Tinder date (shockingly enough) didn’t pan out. Adding to the long list of unbearable things about her: #5 swiped right on Chad Kroeger. Also, while having zero bearing on the plot, it is worth mentioning that Chanel #3 lost her virginity to a Nickelback song, which is the most tragic and unfortunately realistic aspect of this entire show.
After hearing a scream upstairs the crew runs to Chanel’s village-sized closet where Hester lies on the ground with a no-doubt $500 shoe stuck through her eye. She wakes up long enough to point at #5 and scream “RED DEVIL,” before passing back out.
Kappa is holding winter rush with the blessing of Dean Munsch due to the house’s new regime and “militant dedication to political correctness and acceptance as long as they’re left leaning.” Sometimes I wish I had a TV show that I could use to vent about cultural trends that bug the shit out of me, because Ryan Murphy just makes it look so fun.
In this new friendly yet totally lame Kappa, Zayday is president, Grace is VP, and Hester is treasurer. For about four seconds it looks like all is about to end well just an hour into this two hour long premiere when Hester begins a Gone Girl style voiceover explaining that by stabbing herself in the eye with a heel she managed to successfully complete her 20 year-long plan to dismantle Kappa and the Chanels.
Hester details their grand scheme, which involved growing up in a mental institution with her twin brother Boone and never receiving any formal education except for the murder weapon flashcards Gigi quizzed them with. After infiltrating Wallace and then Kappa, Hester was able to find true sisterhood in Zayday and actual blood relatives in Grace and her dad. All she had to do was develop a false spinal injury to disguise her blowjob lips, and the rest was shockingly easy.
After Hester is carted off to the hospital, the rest of the Kappas sit around discussing who the murderer could possibly be. If the walls of the Kappa living room could talk they would tell everyone to find a new goddamn topic of conversation because this is literally all anyone talks about in here. Grace refuses to believe that #5 is the Red Devil because of the pretty solid evidence that her and Zayday found, but it’s also hard to ignore the testimony of the girl with a stiletto sticking out of her eye socket. There’s some discussion that I completely ignored because I was too horrified by #5’s extreme root situation, proudly displayed by her fucking Baby Spice pigtails.
Denise Hemphill shows up with the incredibly belated news that Boone is dead. On a side note, “rippling abs and a possible gay face” is the best description of Nick Jonas I have ever heard. Her arrival is followed by an eye patch bestowed Hester, who once again accuses #5 of being the Red Devil. Grace is reminding everyone that Hester has a laughably fake file and no parents to speak of when the doorbell rings.
Surprise: it’s a conveniently timed visit by Hester’s parents, who are clearly actors that have shown up to clear her name. Their terrible performance passes because Chanel #5’s parents also show up just in time to publicly disown her. They claim that Gigi dropped her on their doorstop and they kept her for the tax deduction, a lie fed to them by Hester that they were more than willing to cooperate with because, just like everyone else, #5’s parents hate her.
Just as Denise is about to arrest #5 Hester makes another dramatic announcement: #3 should be arrested for the murders of Deaf Taylor Swift and Sam the Predatory Lesbian. A split persona by the name of Dirty Helen and a letter full of fatherly advice from Charles Manson about strapping a bomb to a pizza boy and sending him after her friends is enough evidence to solidify #3’s guilt. Honestly, #3 is the most underrated character on this show. Two Chanels down, one to go, and it’s obvious where Hester’s tirade is heading.
Her last target is obviously Chanel Oberlin, who she framed by showing up to a home improvement store in a platinum wig and buying a couple of axes, a chainsaw, a crossbow and a riding lawn mower. Chanel’s supposed motive: to weed out the shitty pledges in the ultimate form of hazing, which she doesn’t exactly disprove by running away from arrest by Denise’s team of strippers turned real cops. All three Chanel’s are rounded up and taken downtown, but not before Denise can accuse Zayday one last time.
For real though, how ridiculously funny would it be if she was right this entire time and it was actually Zayday? When in doubt, trust Niecy Nash.
None of the Chanels make bail and are convicted on 47 counts of something due to the fact that they didn’t hire a lawyer and spent the entirety of their time in court screaming at the jury and sleeping. The judge sentences them to a lifetime in an all-female mental institution, which turned out to be the ultimate blessing in disguise. The three of them flourish in their imprisonment, due largely to the judge-free environment and the fact that they can get fat and not have to worry about impressing men.
#3 went full lesbian with one of the nurses, which is probably one hundred kinds of illegal but if Ryan Murphy shows have taught me anything it’s that there are literally no rules in mental institutions.
#5 got put on meds and suddenly became tolerable, which is the biggest endorsement of prescription drugs that I’ve ever heard. She and Chanel are now best friends and share their deepest darkest secrets with each other: that they never want to leave their new home.
In the outside world, loose strings are being tied up all over the place. Chad and Denise’s booty calls progressed into a full-fledged relationship that Denise had to break off so that she could train for the FBI at Quantico, a television crossover that I didn’t know I was dreaming of until this moment. Their tearful goodbye is the best three minutes of this entire finale.
Like any red-blooded American would, Munsch used the death and terror that sieged her campus for over three months to become crazy successful. She (ghost)writes a book called New New Feminism, which is defined as women just generally being better than men. I don’t think this scene was scripted. I honestly think Jamie Lee Curtis just started talking and Ryan Murphy was like, “Fuck yeah, another thinly veiled jab at Taylor Swift I am ABOUT IT.”
On top of her newfound success, Dean Munsch is the only person to figure out that Hester was the mastermind of the Red Devil massacre. However, as she is also guilty of murder and general sketchy behavior, the two decide to let bygones be bygones and go on living their lives.
Speaking of these new lives, there are more developments: Munsch and Wes are dating. Legit dating. Grace seems to be fine with it now that the dean doesn’t have a vendetta against Kappa, and the happy couple is celebrating the fact that they didn’t get murdered by running off to Napa. You would think that now that the stress of impending murder has been lifted that maybe Wes would be less weird, but nope. He still talks about his uncomfortable sex life with his teenage daughter and honestly now when I look at him all I see are those tiny briefs. Please go to Napa and never come back.
So despite the multiple deaths and general shitty behavior of everyone on this show, all’s well that ends well right? Wrong. Always wrong. Back at the asylum a now serene and probably heavily medicated Chanel, who still looks annoyingly perfect even as a mental patient, gazes lovingly over her kingdom. She is about to lie down and go to sleep in the room full of her new sorority sisters when she is attacked by the Red Devil.
Is this a medication-induced delusion? Is there a copycat? Will #5’s shrill voice return next season or was that remedied by her daily dosage of anti-psychotics? Only time will tell.
Say what you will about Scream Queens and it’s blatant racism, classism, and lots of other –isms that have fueled countless Think Pieces since its premiere, but you have to give recognition where recognition is due. This show is incredibly self-aware, and uses it to its advantage. The writing is sharp and yes, at times offensive. But find me a TV show that doesn’t push the envelope in some way or another and I will show you a show that doesn’t get written about and probably dies one season in.
Here’s hoping that Ryan Murphy can keep the depravity going through the New Year. I, for one, will be eagerly awaiting the return of my beloved Chad Radwell on January 5th. Until then, namaste betches.