Welcome back, idiot hookers. This season of Scream Queens is set in a hospital, because Ryan Murphy is running out of ideas and borrowing from his other shows. We see the return of some of our favorite characters from last season, as well as the introduction of some new faces. Most notably, Chad Radwell was nowhere to be seen and Fox will be hearing from me every day until he is returned to our screens (and hearts).
The episode opens on a Halloween party in 1985, which I can only imagine is the literal epitome of debauchery. The party is taking place at a hospital, where the doctor and nurses are too busy stealing drugs from patients to actually take care of anyone. Turns out Grey’s Anatomy was more accurate than we all thought.
A pregnant woman comes running into the nurses’ station demanding that someone save her husband, who is currently suffocating from fluid in his lungs. Does that sound like a ridiculous request to you? The doctor on call seems to think so too, so instead of doing anything he just dumps the poor guy in the haunted swamp behind the hospital. Oh yeah, the hospital was built on a haunted swamp that glows neon green at night. I’m thinking the writers room is just a bunch of drunk dudes throwing a dart at a wall of potential murder scenarios.
Writer 1: This season will take place in a…. hospital…built on a…. haunted swamp… starring…. John Stamos and… that alpaca from Twilight.
Writer 2: Good work dude. Let’s do more jaeger bombs.
Before tossing an innocent man to his death so that he can go back to take more Quaaludes, the doctor wraps the patient in his own costume which looks suspiciously like the Red Devil of season one, but now green. You’re not fooling anyone, costume department.
Who wants to start taking bets that the dead guy’s wife is going to end up having a baby hell-bent on revenge? It sounds like a vaguely familiar scenario.
Back to the future, we get a first look at our two new characters: Dr. Brock Holt (Stamos) and Dr. Cassidy Cascade (Lautner). Although their names may be ripped straight out of a porno, both doctors take their careers very seriously. Uncle Jesse was a burgeoning surgical prodigy until he lost his hand in a freak
gasoline Super Bowl party accident. That’s right, all your worst nightmares came true when John Stamos stuck his hand in the garbage disposal and it turned on. Just another reason to never do dishes again. Luckily, a successful hand transplant (the first of its kind) allowed Dr. Holt to return to the OR. Is that hand haunted? You bet your ass it is.
Alternatively, Dr. Cascade is a walking existential crisis with a running body temperature of about 50 degrees. My ideal man. He’s always ice cold, probably because he’s actually a zombie masquerading as a doctor. I’m also just drunkenly throwing darts at a wall of possibilities as I write this, and I’m probably still right.
Their first patient is a woman with werewolf syndrome, a totally real disorder. She was brought in by none other than Dean Munsch, our favorite administrator-turned-doctor. After raking in boatloads of cash from her book on New New Feminism and receiving an honorary doctorate that was taken away from Bill Cosby, Munsch decides to open the C.U.R.E. Institute. Show that sentence to someone who doesn’t watch this show and ask them to guess the plot.
The entire premise of this hospital is that they only take patients with incurable diseases, a sound business model to be sure. Why? Because since last season, Munsch has achieved everything she could possibly want to do in life. She’s befriended the Pope. She’s been on the cover of Women’s Health. She’s given a Ted Talk. She clearly dumped Grace’s creepy dad. The only thing left on her list? To cure people with incurable diseases.
Obviously there are ulterior motives to this hospital because Munsch never does anything altruistically. She slowly starts recruiting the last of the surviving Kappas to work there, probably so she can murder them all in the end. I know this is true because an angry nurse literally repeats the same thing later on.
First, Munsch seeks out Zayday, the one Chanel she deems worthy of redemption. She offers Zayday a job at her new teaching hospital after admitting that she has a “deep-seated reason for wanting it to succeed.” Not ominous at all.
On her first day Zayday latches onto the werewolf woman, determined to prove herself by curing her. However, after meeting John Stamos, Taylor Lautner, and the over-excited candy striper who is almost guaranteed to be the murderer, Zayday goes to Munsch to complain about the ironic gender disparity in the hospital founded by the leader of the New New Feminism movement.
Munsch gets that creepy calm voice she uses before going out to fuck shit up, and tells Zayday she’ll take care of it. I think we all know where this is going. Next on her route to reunion, Munsch heads out to recruit the Chanel’s to her “teaching hospital.” You probably need more than two doctors to qualify for that, but what do I know.
In season two we see the Chanels as we’ve never seem them before: impoverished pariahs living off of gas station pies and part time job wages. After a fruitless experience in community college, Chanel Oberlin decides the only way to rehabilitate their image is to choose careers in the medical field. This means their communication degrees were a total waste, but they also would have been had they tried to actually pursue careers in communications. Sorry, but we all know it’s true.
It takes little to no persuasion from Munsch for the Chanels to accept her offer, as if this woman hadn’t actively tried (and SUCCEEDED) to get them all arrested for murder the year before. They head straight to their first day of residency at the hospital, despite not having graduated from, or even attended, med school. Zayday is less than thrilled about this fact, but she’s also less than thrilled about everything.
Emma Roberts spotting John Stamos in the locker room is all of us. Unfortunately, Emma Roberts taking off her clothes in the locker room is none of us. Tiny bitch.
The Chanels' assignment: to ghost Zayday and the other two doctors around the hospital. In this case, ghost means observe without speaking, but the argument getting to that definition is entertaining and previously covered on this site. It turns out they’re pretty bad at it, because Chanel and #5 just spends a solid minute or so insulting the werewolf patient.
Zayday has continued her primary role from last season: being really fucking annoying and condescending towards everyone. Her solution for the werewolf situation is a lobotomy, because she clearly attended the Ryan Murphy School of Medicine. No one is crazy about this idea, but they don’t really have a lot of options.
During the Chanel’s first day they run into Nurse Hoffle, who clearly hates them all right off the bat. It could be because they’re inept, or because she resents their youth. It’s a toss-up. However, she straight-up outlines the plot of the next couple episodes by telling them that Munsch only brought them there to kill them. I mean, obviously, but hold the spoilers please.
Munsch puts the Chanels on academic probation and basically grounds them for their behavior with the werewolf patient. Not sure this is how med school works, but okay. It’s at this point that the Chanels find out they aren’t getting paid for their work and have a meltdown, kind of like you, three days into your internship.
After realizing that her time in prison and connection to a series of grisly murders have probably ruined her chances of becoming a network news anchor, Chanel turns to the only company insane enough to hire her: Fox News. Her new dream is to become a Fox medical correspondent and eventually end up like Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz. So, you know, like a fake doctor that middle aged women obsess over.
In order to accomplish this, however, she realizes that she needs a medical degree and in order to get one, she must get back in Dean/Dr. Munsch’s good graces. Much like Zayday, Chanel sets out to prove herself by curing the werewolf girl. Except instead of working for it, Chanel decides to hit on Dr. Stamos until he solves it for her instead. This girl is going places.
They (99% Brock and 1% Chanel) discover that the werewolf is eating a Michael Phelps serving size of protein every day, which is definitely not helping her hair situation. Both of them burst into surgery to stop Zayday’s completely unnecessary lobotomy procedure, but not before Brock awkwardly grabs Chanel’s throat with his likely haunted transplant hand.
At one point throughout this process John Stamos finds a way to bring up his fantastic age-defying hair. It probably wasn’t even in the script, but you know it was absolutely written into his contract.
As no good show is complete without a montage scene, the Chanels give the werewolf a makeover after her hormone rehabilitation makes her go completely bald. They use this opportunity to remind Zayday that she was just bested by three people without a semblance of medical education and then leave to prepare for a night out on the town. While Chanel and #3 get to go out with Brock and Cascade (respectively), #5 is forced to stay on and work the graveyard shift. This, to me, seems cosmically right.
Further proving that she’s the most useless character on this show since Grace, #5 draws a scalding hot hydrotherapy bath for the werewolf and locks her into it before climbing into her own tub. She tells Katherine that Chamberlain, the exuberant (and no doubt murderous) candy striper will be down to let them out in an hour. Does this sound like a situation ripe for murder? That’s because it is.
The Green Monster from the opening scene shows up with a katana and a retro soundtrack, ready to wreck shit. He slices off the werewolf patient’s very bald head while Chanel #5 screams in the background. That is a sound I did not miss.
You know who we all did miss though? Boone. Bring that guy back. You know Nick Jonas is just hanging around waiting for the call.
Current Death Count: One
Current Suspect: Chamberlain, the Candy Striper
Episodes Since Chad Radwell: One. How much more must we all endure?