'Scream Queens' Recap: Bloodbath

By Betch Ivy Carter

The episode this week opens with a little character development for our Dear Dr. Hawful. It turns out that her sister is none other than the late Ms. Bean, the sorority made who lost her face to a deep fryer courtesy of Chanel. This explains Dr. Hawful’s deep-seated hatred of the Chanels, but doesn’t explain why she is forever cursed by terrible last names. From Bean to Hawful? Gag.

In her latest scheme to rid the world of all things Chanel, Hawful decides to throw a blood drive contest. The winner receives and all expenses paid trip to Blood Island, which is essentially a one-way ticket to death by giant monster. So, you know, kind of like a trip to Australia.

As the only phlebotomist on staff, Chanel is deadset on winning the prize and whisking Dr. Holt away on a romantic trip to Blood Island. No one thinks to do any research into the destination. At least some of these people are supposedly doctors. I give up.

I give up

Essentially the entire episode is a series of Chanel attempting to steal blood from as many people as possible in order to lock in her win. She drains an inhumane amount from #3, who spends the entire episode sitting in a chair and complaining. It’s the most relatable she’s ever been.

There’s a slight hiccup in the blood drive extravaganza when it is revealed that Chanel has tested positive for every STD known to man. For someone who uses condoms at least some of the time, this comes as a shock. It not only disqualifies her blood from the drive, but disqualifies her relationship with Dr. Holt. Munsch, on the other hand, is ecstatic because she may have just cinched a supernaturally attractive man and a exotic vacation in one fell swoop. Gee, wonder if those test results were fabricated.

Hmm

While everyone else is running rampant and shoving needles into an inert body, Zayday has decided to spend her time trying to track down the baby in the belly in the hopes that it will reveal the identity of the Green Meanie. As her current suspicions rest wholly on Chamberlain, she spends almost the entire episode ghosting him. What’s more awkward, is he knows exactly why and isn’t psyched about it. Like, ignoring a clingy guy is one thing. But accusing him of being a serial killer? Can’t imagine how the already fragile male ego would handle that one.

In the latest in a series of never-ending terrible decisions, Munsch lets Hester try and heal one patient in the hopes that keeping her busy will stop her from murdering anyone. Solid logic. This leads Hester to spending the entire episode trying to cure a kid who is convinced he’s a vampire. She uses the “Blurred Lines" approach, which is exposing someone to something they like so often that they eventually hate it. This culminates in both Chanel and Munsch stumbling upon Hester force feeding this poor fake vampire God knows how many pints of blood, which is any issue for so many reasons that I had to pause the TV and wait for my nurse roommate to stop ranting before the episode could even continue.

The good news? The vampire is cured. The bad news? Hester used Chanel’s stored up blood for her treatment which significantly decreases her chances of winning the drive. This turns out to be a blessing in disguise, because it leads to the discovery that Chanel’s blood is clean and 100% STD free. Dr. Holt, the most fickle man in existence, is back on the Chanel train.

In a last ditch attempt to secure her victory, Chanel straps down #9, a new needle-phobic recruit, and starts collecting her blood. While she is many terrible things, apparently Chanel is actually a great phlebotomist because she cures #9 of her fear. Any traction gained by that small feat is immediately erased when Chanel leaves #9 strapped to a table in a dark operating room, basically a mating call for the Green Meanie.

Face palm

Right on cue, he arrives ready to murder another completely faultless victim, when Dr. Hawful strolls in ever-so-casually and makes him an offer. She will kill #9 if the Green Meanie reveals himself, and the single most trusting sociopath in history takes her up on it. Like, that could have been a trick? What if she was wearing a wire? Did they teach you nothing in serial killer school??

Our first big reveal this season: Taylor Lautner is the Green Meanie. Well, a Green Meanie. It turns out that Zayday was right in assuming that the baby in the belly was involved, she just had the completely wrong person. Better luck next time.

Cassidy tells Hawful that he is one of two Green Meanies, and that he still doesn’t know who the other is. Um, a couple things. There are two serial killers in MATCHING OUTFITS running around in the SAME HOSPITAL and the two of you didn’t think to sit down for coffee and set up a game plan? Where did the super elaborate costumes come from, and did you both coincidentally order the same one? Do your shifts just conveniently never overlap? Also, what the fuck?

WTF

Hawful has zero problem with this revelation, and helps the Green Meanie finish off #9. Her body is discovered moments later by Munsch, Holt and Chanel, who should all really stop looking so shocked about this kind of thing. While the circumstances are quite unfortunate, #9 was technically Chanel’s patient, and the blood bags hanging from the ceiling officially cinch her win in the blood drive contest. However, she turns down the prize once she finds out that the tickets to Blood Island are coach. Respect.

So basically, all of Dr. Hawful’s scheming was for naught. However, any disappointment she may have suffered is immediately alleviated by a gift from Taylor Lautner: her very own Green Meanie outfit.

Where the fuck is he wholesaling all these costumes from? Will this piss off the third, unnamed Green Meanie? Will this show ever make sense? Only time will tell.




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