July 29, 2015
Yes, it is technically half way through the season, and yes, this show is questionable at best. But none of that matters and we are starting Scream recaps anyways because there is a void in my life left by Game of Thrones and I really miss making fun of fictional characters, so bear with me.
If you don’t watch Scream (why), this is not going to make any sense to you. If you do watch Scream (still why), this probably still won’t make sense to you because it’s an MTV show about a slasher film and continuity is kind of a lot to ask, okay? Grab some wine, binge watch the first four episodes, and follow us into Lakewood, the town that makes Rosewood seem almost functional.
Emma shows up to school the morning after her surprise sex tape is leaked and shocker: everyone is openly an asshole to her because nothing is worse than fictional high schools.
Audrey: Hey man, this totally sucks. Also, remember that time you let your bitch of a friend leak a video of me making out with a girl and completely outed me? And then the girl I was making out with got murdered because of it? But really, I feel for you.
The mayor brings a new cop into town to replace the current sheriff, probably because he is letting kids get murdered on the roof of his precinct. It is very obvious that the sheriff (reminder: Kieran’s dad) and this new woman have some history, but what’s new in Lakewood.
In English class, which all of the characters conveniently have together, the topic of the day is the Scarlett Letter. On the day after the goody two-shoes sex tape was leaked?? What are the odds?? MTV, you got us again with your thinly veiled metaphors.
In the middle of this already tense discussion, someone mass texts out a GIF of the sex tape. Possibly the least believable part of this show is Lakewood High School’s stringent use of an entire student body group chat. Like you thought yours was annoying with four girls in it. Can you imagine the notifications?
Class ends 30 seconds later despite the fact that it literally just started, and Emma storms out. Kieran, the brooding mysterious bad boy who was conveniently gone all of last episode, follows her.
Emma: Hey mysterious hot guy who’s new to town and has an inexplicable interest in me, where were you over the past couple of days while I was stalked by a serial killer, my friend was murdered, and my sex tape was leaked?
Kieran: Oh…you know…I had to deal with, uh…insurance stuff. Normal high school boy things
Will and Jake are hanging out in the hallway post class, discussing typical bro things like Will’s sex tape and their sketchy deal that is supposedly going down the next day. No one knows that the deal is yet, but it presumably involves the secret footage that Nina was keeping of everyone.
These two are the most confusing relationship on this show, which is saying a lot. They’re supposedly best friends, but Will openly hates Jake and Jake is that combination of beautiful, cocky, and flamboyant that leads me to believe he is very closeted and very in love with Will. Accurate? Probably not, but this is the assumption I will base the rest of my viewing on.
Jake: Brah, totally watched your sex tape. Your dick looked great, no homo.
Will: I literally hate you.
At the vigil for the numerous dead kids Lakewood has racked up, Emma is reminiscing about how when she first met Riley she was convinced she didn’t speak English. Super cool memory to share about the only Asian girl in the entire show. Her culturally sensitive eulogy is interrupted when the murderer, who fucking might be A at this rate, sends her a video of herself…meaning he’s there in the crowd. Cut the camera panning to everyone she knows and suddenly suspects. The video is accompanied by a message that he will cut out her mom’s heart if she goes to the police. At least this guy isn’t beating around the bush.
Emma is in a meeting with the new cop lady. She lies about the numerous calls/texts/gifts she’s received from the murderer because she really doesn’t want her mom’s heart to show up in a box on her doorstep. This cop is the only competent adult in this show so far and pieces together that Emma being targeted, her mom being the ME who is discovering everything, and her dad being the sole surviving victim of Brandon James can’t be a coincidence. Clearly the rest of the Lakewood PD got their training in Rosewood.
Brooke and Jake are getting coffee on one of their many bff dates this episode. Some might think it’s the lead up to a romantic relationship, but obviously the betchiest girl in the show and the hot af guy kid make a fantastic dynamic duo.
Jake makes some sociopathic comment about enjoying torturing ice, so put another tally under his name for “possible murderer.” Brooke wants to tell Emma “what really happened freshman year,” but Jake is like “Woah, woah…honesty? I’m not game.” They are loudly having this conversation in the coffee shop where Emma is currently working, so weirdly enough she overhears them
Emma: lying to me about what?
Turns out that Nina made a She’s All That type of bet with Will about having sex with Emma freshman year, and that’s how their relationship started. Emma forgives Brooke for not telling her sooner, because literally all her other friends are dead.
Noah and Audrey are chilling in his weird video game lair where he supposedly works but is never seen doing any actual work other than hacking into people’s shit. They figure out that Mr. Branson might be the one behind the sketch surveillance films on Nina’s laptop. How many students was this guy fucking? Somewhere in the distance, Ezra feels his status as hottest statutory rapist being diminished.
Cut to the mayor, who is bailing on his council meaning as he pulls up to a shady warehouse. An anonymous text tells him to get in a seemingly abandoned car, where a masked person is waiting in the back. It is worth noting that this is not the Brandon James mask, so obviously we’re not dealing with our murderer here.
He hands the masked guy an envelope with $10,000 in it, which apparently isn’t enough. The masked kid manages to convey this fact by staying absolutely silent and flashing some video clip on his phone to the mayor.
Mayor: I am not giving you $100,000
Mayor: Okay give me two days
After the mayor leaves another mask shows up, and SHOCKER Will and Jake are the ones extorting money out of him. They remove their masks at the scene of the crime .3 seconds after the mayor drives away, so clearly it’s not that hard to get into Duke. Will grows a sense of morality and decides he can’t be a part of any more criminal blackmail in the future, even if it means he’s losing out on his tuition money. Jake throws a hissy fit because his grand romantic scheme has been derailed and he’ll have to figure out a whole new way to seduce his best friend.
Emma runs into Piper on the street, which seems to happen a lot. Literally half this show is people running into Emma while she tries to live her shitty life. Emma breaks down because, realistically, this has been a hell of a fucking week for her.
Piper: Hey I’m a totally credible journalist who carries bourbon around in her purse (same)…want some?
Emma: Could you throw in a couple Xanax?
Piper reveals that her dad was murdered when she was super young and the culprit was never caught, which is why she now reports on serial cases. They proceed to bond over their daddy issues, the strongest foundation a friendship between any two white girls can have.
Will, either the single most persistent or oblivious person on this show, tries to talk to Emma after Piper leaves. Emma slaps the shit out of him, which is valid considering she just found out she was “the bet,” and this is usually how girls in those types of scenarios react.
Will: It may have started as a bet, but I love you.
Emma: Listen up fucker, I have seen a romantic comedy or two.
It seems like he sincerely cares bout her, but it also seems like he will murder her out of desperation, so I’m 50/50 on this relationship.
Brooke confronts her dad about her MIA mom, who has supposedly been on some Eat, Pray, Love trip for the past month. He admits that he had her checked into rehab on the DL, and Brooke is super shocked, as if this isn’t the exact lifestyle you would expect from these people.
Will confronts Brooke and Jake in the hall about the teeny tiny secret they leaked that single handedly destroyed his relationship, which was already on thin ice to begin with.
Jake: Bro, calm down
Will: * punches him in the face *
Jake: Bro, that was hot
The fight is broken up by Mr. Branson, who took some time out of his busy schedule of having sex with underage girls to be a moderately responsible adult. Kudos, Mr. Branson. He drags Jake off to the nurse and Brooke follows, and then a threesome probably ensues because this entire town is just a giant den of depravity.
PE Class – everyone is learning self-defense, which is probably the most responsible reaction anyone in a position of power has had in response to this murder spree. What’s most shocking about this school is that all of our main characters have every single class together.
Audrey takes Will down in front of the whole class and legit asks him “how it feels to take it in front of everyone.” How she managed to stay in the closet as long as she did is beyond me, but maybe everyone else was just too busy having sex with each other and filming it to notice.
Kieran is waiting outside PE for Emma. Classic. He doesn’t have to participate in the mayor mandated self-defense class because it would interrupt time better spent brooding. He tells Emma as much, and then super casually pins her to a wall because there are absolutely no regulations in this fucking school. She makes out with him while Will walks by, fueling his very obvious anger management issues.
Audrey and Noah break into Mr. Branson’s room to hack his computer, which everyone knows only takes a matter of 30 seconds. They figure out that his three TA’s all had access to his files and all also happen to be dead AKA Nina, Tyler, and Riley. Could there be a connection? Or is this just another false lead they will follow that will inevitably lead to more death? Only time will tell.
Branson walks in just as they finish, clearly suspicious because while he may be a pedophile and possible murderer, this guy is not dumb. They unconvincingly cover up their lurking by asking if Noah can get a new partner for the class assignment, since his was brutally murdered on the roof of a police precinct. The teacher who is BANGING STUDENTS suggests Noah take part in a dramatic threesome. CALM DOWN he was clearly talking about their scenes for class.
Emma gets a call from the murderer, which at this point is getting so casual that it’s not even shocking anymore. She is still feeling feisty from her afternoon of absolute betrayal and illicit encounters, and decides to taunt the psychopath that has outsmarted the entire town thus far.
Emma: I’m gonna kick your ass
Murderer: I am a literal serial killer, what are you doing?
The sheriff and Emma’s mom, who are quickly on their way to a Lily/Rufus/Serena/Dan situation, are having a little heart to heart about the new cop lady. Apparently she is his ex-partner/lover who he used to do copious amounts of drugs with. Law enforcement, amiright? They start making out in the kitchen as if this is the kind of town where people don’t walk in on each other/film each other/watch each other through dark windows on a daily basis.
Jake brings Brooke pizza in an attempt to butter her up before he informs her that her dad is being blackmailed. He completely throws Will under the bus, because hell hath no fury like a gay best friend scorned. The whole conversation is caught on a security camera that the mayor happens to be watching. He writes Will’s name down on a notepad and underlines it three times just in case he forgets the identity of the person who is extorting $100,000 out of him. Brooke insists on watching the video of her dad, which consists of him pulling a body out of the trunk of his car, the day after her mom “left” for rehab. Dun Dun DUNNNNN.
Emma and Kieran arrive in a dark, deserted field, and Emma lets him lead her through it with her eyes closed because sometimes thirst overrides self-preservation instincts, even when you’re in the middle of being stalked by a masked murderer. Relax everyone, Kieran is just teaching her how to shoot a gun, complete with monologue about how they are winning because they are alive. Not for long, if you continue hanging out in the forest at night, but whatever.
Emma: What if the murderer is watching us right now?
Broody: He is. He’s watching you right now. Because I am the murderer.
What he actually says is something along the lines of “I’m holding you and he’s not,” which apparently was so overwhelmingly comforting that Emma had to have sex with him right then and there on the ground. Young love.
New murder count: none.
Suspect as of this episode: Jake. All that pent up sexual tension needs some kind of outlet.