The Second Greatest Debate Of 2016: Is Nutella A Spread Or A Dessert?

By Jane Duh

It's November 8th and there is only one question on our nation’s mind: Is Nutella a spread or a dessert? Is it both? Can Nutella be president? The sad truth is, we just don’t know, and neither does the FDA.

Since 1993, The FDA has categorized Nutella as a “dessert topping,” but its parent company, Ferrero, says it should be considered a “spread.”

Draaaaaammmmaaaaaaaa

So why TF would anybody care about this? Well, if Nutella becomes a “spread,” then its serving size would need to drop from 2 tablespoons of delicious hazelenutty goodness (200 calories btw), to a mere one tablespoon of hazlenutty goodness. I don’t think I need to explain why this is unacceptable.

On the one hand, we have those who argue that it is clearly a “dessert” seeing as it is used, you know, for desserts. On the other hand, pro-spreaders say that Nutella “can be eaten all day long, not just as a dessert,” to which I say, if you are eating Nutella all day you are suffering from what we in the biz call "clinical depression," but I totally get the urge.

There is, however, a Jill Stein in this race, and that is the option of classifying Nutella as a “dessert spread,” which technically does not exist but God damn it, what kind of country are we if not the kind of country that can invent a food group and enjoy two fat-ass tablespoons of a delicious hazelnut/chocolate dessert spread any time they damn pleaset?

God Bless America. 

America




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