December 18, 2014
Selena Gomez, America’s favorite Latina triple-threat singer/actress/baby prostitute (sorry, Ariana Grande) is not having a good Navidad. First, she attended Taylor Swift’s 10th annual 15th birthday party, which, God that would fucking suck. If TSwift wrote a song called “25,” what would those lyrics be?
“It feels like a perfect night, to go over our taxes
And listen to Serial, uh uh, uh uh”
Second, she’s apparently still involved with Justin Bieber, Canada’s most renowned Ellen Degeneres impersonator. There appears to be trouble in yukon paradise: In the middle of the star-studded event (which I take to mean guests included Taylor’s entire Beanie Baby collection in addition to celebs like Beyonce and Sam Smith), SelGo reportedly lost her shit and screamed “No one understands me! My boyfriend doesn’t even understand me!”
“No, it's not a good look, gain some self-control,” Sam Smith almost certainly didn’t say/sing, but should have. Everyone else was reportedly “having a blast,” because it’s a fucking party and that’s what you do at parties. I bet TSwift has a whole pantry full of Pop Rocks and Dunkaroos and all that fun 90s stuff.
Someone needs to hand Selena a Xanax and explain to her that dating is hard, especially when your boyfriend secretly wishes you were about 6” taller and had way more body hair. Also, is this surprising? Selena spent money to produce a publicly-available song and music video where, in the intro, she splices in audio of her crying about Biebs. If she’s willing to humiliate herself on Youtube like that, no one should be alarmed that she’s making a scene at a party where Chrissy Tiegen is using Nick Jonas’ asscrack as an ice luge not 10 feet away.
If she wants Justin to understand her better, she should maybe try talking to him in Portuguese or whatever it is they speak in Canada. The heart wants what it wants.