April 8, 2015
One of the most challenging choices a betch ever makes in her college career is where to study abroad. Like, do you go to Barcelona and maybe get a few holes in your brain or do you go to Argentina to prove to your Facebook feed that you actually are, in fact, outdoorsy? Or what about London? Florence?! Cape Town? Omg and then that one time you saw a photo of Vietnam and found out that it’s like, actually, really pretty. I mean, at least for a few days.
Semester at Sea is the perfect solution for an indecisive betch who also happens to have an aggressively large allowance and doesn’t get seasick. It’s a program where you take classes and live on a cruise ship while it sails around the world. Then you get to pretend to immerse yourself in an array of foreign cultures when you dock, all while actually just guzzling down their alcohol and turning their nightclubs into your entire abroad program’s private party. If you go in the fall, you hit up Europe and South America, and in the spring, you visit Asia and Africa with the final port in London. Sounds like a shoo-in for yet another opportunity to not do work and ‘backpack’ through Europe while enhancing your own “personal growth” if you ask me.
Everyone who ever goes on Semester at Sea can’t fucking shut up about it, so obviously it has its benefits. Traveling the world while stacking up Instagram followers is of course the most important thing you’ll get out of it, especially the all-important photo shoot at the end of the voyage where the girls get topless and paint flags of the countries they’ve visited on their back. I hope my ass still looks good after only eating carbs onboard for the last 114 days! Plus every time you go through customs at the airport from then onwards you can give a bro nod to the customs guy while he assumes that you’re cultured AF for having thirteen visas on your passport.
There are some major downsides with SAS though, and by this, I mean their alcohol policies. Apparently they think having a four month party cruise with 650 college students would be dangerous, so you’re only allowed one glass of wine a night onboard unless it’s “pub night” (woooohoooo!) where you get two as long as they’re spaced out long enough to ensure you can’t possibly get a buzz. Obvi the second the boat docks everyone runs off the ship like dehydrated frat boys hunting for whiskey, which makes for #MemoriesWeWillNeverRemember and often causes dumbasses to decide it’d be easier to go back to sleep on the boat then book a room at the Four Seasons. This is when the big dogs in charge can decide to throw you into the onboard detox for not being able to walk straight. Omg this one time on SAS I got put in the drunk tank and it was funny until I missed my chance to get a photo with the orphans in Ghana the next day…
Plus when you’re not on land you’re obviously stuck on the boat with no escape, which has been dubbed Disney’s Suite Life for reasons of middle school nostalgia. Get ready to actually do your assigned reading, get way too personal with your ship mates and then play board games on a Friday night. This is why it’s absolutely essential to set up your SAS almost boyfriend by Port #2, so that you can bone like rabbits whenever the boat is in motion to entertain yourselves. Definitely preplan your hookup by stalking all the hot guys on the pre-voyage Facebook page to make your selection early on in the game—spots fill up fast with a 4:1 chick to dude ratio.
So betches, don’t keep up with the news and do find yourself on a treadmill next to your professor. Go on Semester at Sea and live the remainder of your life with disillusionment because nothing will ever be as good as traveling around the world with your best friends and your dad’s credit card. And hey, maybe you’ll even learn something about different cultures, too.