The Real Housewives have always kept it… well, real. That’s why I was shocked to discover no one else had rounded up the best sex and relationship tips from Real Housewives, a group of people notorious for giving the most unhinged advice. From Teresa Giudice eating pineapple to Lisa Rinna sharing her top tips for blowjobs, not even Cosmo’s top sex positions can compare.
I volunteered as tribute to throw myself down a deep, dark rabbit hole of these women’s drunken observations, unsolicited recommendations, and, at times, useful guidance. And what I found was a treasure trove of hot takes ranging from middle school-level sex ed to mainstream kink.
So, let’s get into the best sex advice from Real Housewives. I guarantee it will make you feel like a sex god in comparison. Or, who knows, you might learn something. It’s not like the American education system is that great anyways.
“When you stop doing doggy style and you actually turn around and see their face, that’s a boyfriend.”
View this post on Instagram
Dreading the DTR talk? Sonja Morgan, RHONY’s “favorite floozy,” shared this gem in an interview with Vulture’s Brian Moylan. I guess it’s really that simple. I’d also recommend the collapsed doggy style, which is less doggy and more of a human pancake. Either way it will scratch their itch to fuck you from behind.
“I eat a lot of pineapple so I taste really good.”
Apparently, RHONJ’s Teresa Giudice follows the advice of middle school boys. And so shall we! Teresa went on to explain, “I heard it makes you taste really sweet. Pineapple and peaches.” Excuse me while I add tropical fruit to my grocery list.
“It’s a deep throat sensation without taking the entire penis.”
Some parents completely avoid the sex talk with their kids, for RHOBH’s Lisa Rinna, she provides oral sex techniques. Her daughters shared that they read her memoir around age 12. “It literally teaches you how to give head,” Delilah confirmed, “Very precisely.” Apparently the move even “prevents gagging.”
“Form the Seal by closing your thumb and index finger around your mouth like you’re making the ‘okay’ sign. Then with your thumb and forefinger, tighten and release the pressure. This, known as the coin, controls how deeply the penis enters your mouth. By using The Seal and the coin, you can create a deep throat sensation without taking the entire penis into your mouth.“
Unfortunately, for a more detailed guide on going down on him, you’re gonna have to read 2009’s “Rinnavation: Getting Your Best Life Ever.” I know! I’m such a tease.
Marriage advice? “Have Sex.”
Real Housewives of New Jersey star Joe Gorga says sex is the key to his 19 years of marriage with his wife Melissa. (I’m sure chewing with his mouth closed doesn’t hurt. Also, the money. Money is a nice marriage perk.) But his expectation for sex surpasses his own relationship. In a season 11 after show interview, he shared the one major rule in his home: “Everyone must have sex!” Definitely something to consider when you play host for the holidays. Nothing is more welcoming than sex rules.
Or, use sex as a threat.
For RHONY’s Erin Lichy and Sai De Silva, their husbands have the same advice… but with darker consequences. When asked what the men would do without sex for a year and a half, Erin’s husband was quick to respond, “Other women.” Isn’t it so funny when men joke about cheating? So quirky!!
“A man will have a better orgasm if you massage their prostate.”
Like my grandma would always say, the way to a man’s heart is through his butthole. Camille Grammer, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, gave this unsolicited sex advice over a campfire chat. Ooh cozy! “You do that by going up their rectum,” she said, using hand motions to visually explain. I mean, where’s the lie?
Everyone deserves a happy ending!
Denise Richards, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, hunted down a masseuse who would perform a happy ending on her husband. (Basically, a hand job.) “He’s the only guy I’ve ever been with that had never had one,” she said to her shocked co-stars. “I’m like, you have to try it.” But don’t worry, the Wild Things star didn’t miss out on the fun, sharing that she also experienced it herself. “I didn’t plan for it… I didn’t stop it,” she said. We love a sex positive queen.
