June 6, 2014
Happy Friday, betches. Welcome once again to Hookup Fookups, where we all revel in your most hilarious hookup failure stories. Remember, we’re laughing with you, not at you (but also at you, a little). Email me yours at [email protected], and follow me on twitter at @betchesheadpro
Let me preface this story by saying that this kid is now my downstairs neighbor and we still see each other out at social gatherings (our college is really small), and its now super awkward when we run into each other. Toward the end of my freshmen year, I hooked up with someone my best friend and I lovingly call the Muppet (I have a huge thing for cute, kinda lazy stoner boys and the Muppet def. fits my type). He's short, has dark hair and is kinda cute in a grungy hippy kinda way.
Anyway, one night freshmen year, after awkwardly telling his friend (who I'd been hooking up with for about two months) that I wasn't into him, but did like his friend I get a text from the Muppet saying, "Hey, what r u doing, come over." Being a young, naive freshmen, I came over to hang out, thinking I'd only stay long enough to like, smoke a bowl and leave.
So we start smoking out of his weird, elaborate as fuck piece and like in the middle of that, start to hook up. He's pretty aggressive, like lip biting, hair pulling, kinda rough sex (which I like) but then directly in the middle of it, he starts sucking on my big toe. Like it was in his mouth, he had his eyes closed and everything. I was, to say the least, super effing surprised. Like who does that? WTF? I didn't want to like, kill his vibe or anything, so I let him finish, mostly cuz everything but the toe sucking was pretty decent.
But seriously, who told him toe-sucking was sexy? Ick.
How was “everything but the toe sucking” “pretty decent?” Is there a right and/or wrong way to suck toes?
I met this doctor in the gym in my apartment complex and we ended up going out one night. When we got back to his place we started making out and ended up in the bedroom. I told him it was "That time of the month" yet he continued to make out with me. A minute or two goes by and he rips off my underwear, takes my tampon string and pulls it out of me and across the room. I was in shock. I figured "Ok, I guess hes not grossed out by blood. so why not." After we finished I go to the bathroom and there’s some blood on me and he comes in and theres blood on him (I mean what'd you expect?) He then starts yelling at me cause there’s blood on the mattress! I left and had to see him at the pool for the rest of the summer.
Oh Lord that is just fucking foul. What a dick.
During senior week (the week between finals and graduation where you're just constantly fucked up) I brought home a random bro who's a friend of a friend. We made out, I passed out. Nothing exciting. Ohhhh but how I fucking woke up was this dude was sticking his finger in my asshole! I screamed what the fuck so loud and he just looks at me and goes "ohhh uhhh shit" and then I kicked his ass out of my apartment. I'm traumatized for life. Like did he come across a girl that liked that? Seriously what a freak, a very very hot freak. Unfortunate.
I’m laughing at his response more than anything. “Ohhh uhhh shit” is probably the best I could come up with, too.
Back in high school, my friend had an ABC themed party at her aunt and uncle’s house when they were out of town. I had just started hooking up with this bro, and after many shots of cheap vodka, my judgment was fairly impaired. Long story short, we had sex for the first time in her aunt and uncle’s bed (so so weird I know) and the condom broke. Being young, sixteen, and naive, I was not on birth control. The next day, I had to go to the pharmacy with my older brother to buy Plan B because I wasn’t eighteen. He was quite amused. While I was holding the Plan B, we ran into my freshman social studies teacher. He just looked at me and said “Well it’s cheaper than a baby. Make the lucky boy pay for half”. I was mortified and haven’t been able to look at the teacher since.
ABC-themed parties, whatever they are, sound fun
So this was when I was in college... it was a casual Thursday and I was still getting over a really bad bout of the flu so I was just in bed, watching TV and snacking. My casual fuck buddy called and, because I hadn't gotten laid in a while (and I honestly didn't care if he caught my cold), I went over. So we start making out and begin to give him head. Then, it may have been the flu or the huge bag of baby carrots I had just inhaled, I puked all over his dick, body, and sheets. Then I frantically begin cleaning it up and just grabbed what I thought was one of his towels to clean it up. Turns out it was the t shirt I had worn over there, which i promptly threw out after i had mopped up the vomit. He was obviously pissed off, but he "didn't want to waste a good boner" and still wanted to fuck me anyway. I was not in the mood, but it was the only way he'd give me a shirt for the walk home. Long story short, the last interaction we've had was me slipping his shirt and $20 for the dry cleaners under his door the next day.
Never waste a good boner