August 7, 2014
Welcome to Hookup Fookups, a semi-regular column where you share with the world your most hilarious, embarrassing and outrageous hookup failures. Remember, we’re laughing with you, not at you (but also at you). Email me yours at [email protected]. Off to the races:
Sophomore year in college, this guy I liked for a long time finally took me home from the bar. I had been crushing on him for a while so I figured this hook up was about to be the stuff dreams were made of--it wasn't. After about 2.3 seconds of the jackhammer he finished, rolled over and went to sleep. The next day upon waking up, I'm feeling deathly ill. I'm pale, having cold sweats, and my body temperature is at 101. I spent most of the day battling my "flu" like symptoms until I went to the bathroom. As I'm peeing, I feel something…erm..strange happening down there. I reach down and surprise!!!!! the condom Hammer Time said he "threw away" last night followed. Who knew having a condom lodged in your vagina for over 12 hours would be so much like having the flu? Moral of the story.. KNOW YOUR CONDOM SIZE, MEN.
That is vile. They don’t really come in sizes, tho.
One of the many situations I get myself into would have to be the time I started making out with a tall dark and handsome man before we had even spoken a word to each other in a dimly lit 1920s esq. bar, we were getting hot and heavy, and to other bar goers we were practically dry jumping the shit outta each other. Nek Minit I'm in his bed pulling out my best moves ridin cowgirl when he went to say something I covered his mouth with my hand practically slapping him and yelled "shuttup don't speak I don't care if you can't speak English it's sexy"...at that instant he pushed me off him and glaring at me confused he said in PLAIN English in a thick British accent..."What do u mean...English is my first language, in fact I was born in England" All this time I'm thinking I'm fucking anything but a Brit, hell I thought the dude was Spanish!
Um, I don’t think he’s the one with the language issues. Also, where is this bar for 1920s lawyers?
There was a guy that I liked a lot but never did anything with because at the time I had a boyfriend. When that relationship ended though, things quickly got moving with this other guy. We went on a casual date and then came back to my place and started making out on my bed. At the time, I had a bit of a cold and my nose was runny, but it wasn't too bad while we were hanging out so I didn't think about it. As we were making out, I started to feel like my face was wet. At first I thought it was just saliva but when I realized it was more near my nose, and not knowing what else it could be, I had a horrifying thought: what if I just got snot all over his face??? How the hell would I explain that / recover from that / show my face to him ever again??? In my panic I just continued to make-out with him, not really knowing what else to do. I suppose he did the same because despite the noticeable wetness we just kept going...eventually though there was so much of it and some got in my eye so I pulled away. Just as I pull away I see his face in the darkness covered in a dark liquid and we quickly realized he was having a massive nosebleed. So yes, a guy had a nosebleed all over my face, but in a way, I was very relieved that it was not my snot like I had thought it was. There was a silver lining to this hook-up fook-up after all.
I bet you guys looked like zombies
I was super fucked up, like beyond anything a bit coherent. My best friends boyfriend at the moment brought one of his weird roommates over to smoke weed and party with us. The kid is like 5'4" at the most and I'm 5'9". My extreme vodka eyes told me it was perfectly fine to have sex with this kid and regret it in the morning. So, we start going at it, (which I'm assuming looked like a spider monkey wrapped around a giant stick bug), and in the middle of it I hear him mutter something. I ask him what he said and he repeats "tell me you love me". Even in the Russian black out I was currently in, I knew that was weird so I said "sorry, what?" and again he repeated "tell me you love me." I awkwardly said "no thank you," he stopped thrusting, I lied and said I had to pee and slept on my roommates floor.
Tell me you love me.
So this fook up is one for the books. It was just an idle Wednesday durning my sophomore year, and I was using my fake ID to its full force. My friend and I decided to rip shots of GAS(green apple smirnoff, I know total throw back to HS w/e) and hit up a local bar. We were totally feeling the GAS shots and were just doing ourselves that night. While living our lives on the dance floor this group of guys join us and partake in what we think is lime light dancing that you see in ads, but LBH was not. While dancing one of the guys keeps shooting me the look( you know, the you look pretty hot while drunkly dancing look. A look that is only shot by another drunk person). Anyways we all go up to the bar and start talking. Turns out the guy that shot me look was celebrating his birthday. We kind of just talk and get to know one another; oh and exchange looks, and light arm and leg touches.
Well he said he had to use the restroom, and I decided that I too had to use the restroom. We separate from our friends and venture into the bathroom were a heavy make out session takes place (oh btw we are both bros). He pulls away and informs me that my mouth taste like apples, which loves apparently because he smiled and dived right back into my mouth (drinkin GAS has its perks I guess). One thing leads to another and you can just assume that more stuff goes down besides sex, because no one has sex in a bar bathroom, thats just not classy... but neither is hooking up in one either... oh well DGF.
After we are done he informs that he has a girl friend and that what just happened "did not just happen". I was like okay bro... cool. Not like I was going to air my dirty bar bathroom laundry or anything. The next day he decides to add me on FB(I guess I was that good?). Upon approving his request I see who is GF is... which is a huge plot twist! His current GF, who he cheated on with me, was my ex girl friend in 8th grade (the relationship lasted 5 months which is like a year in 8th grade's life). Which triggered me to OMG for a few minutes and literally cry from laughter. I guess she has a thing for Gros(gay bros) because they are still together two years later.
Holy shit. And yes, people absolutely have sex in bar bathrooms.
That about does it. Email me yours at [email protected].