June 7, 2012
Dear Head Pro, I've never been good at deciphering any kind of coded message. Those newspaper word scrambles? I'm helpless. I need a Head Pro to give me guidance on this one.
Four months ago my now ex-boyfriend and I ended our three year relationship. Four days after the initial break-up, I get a letter saying that we aren't meant to be right now and that if 'it's meant to be', it will be in the future. Since then, I've received multiple texts every month and a half or so basically saying the same thing. It's the whole, 'thinking about you'. 'hope you're doing okay', 'hope everything is well' crap. Throughout the first few months I just ignored them, choosing to give him the ice-treatment. Then after the third message, I gave a half-ass response. After the most recent one, I finally responded with what you see on my phone screen. But after his response, I was left utterly helpless. Should I have responded with a flirty, 'Well, 'such-and-such' is a big place. You might have to do a little more than hope to run into me ;)'? Or should I have taken the friendly, flavorless route and just say, 'Thanks! You too.'
So, what is this? An attempt to start things up again or friendly, just-checking-up-on-you banter?
Help me crack this ridiculous code, Broken at Code Breaking
Dear Broken at Code Breaking,
What the fuck is this a picture of? Is this like a screenshot from a phone in a cartoon or something? I'm not sure how to react to this. Wait, is this one of those Android phones I hear the IT nerds prattling on about at work? I didn't think they still sold these in first-world countries. The only open source thing I want to see in a girl's bag is drugs.
Regarding what's going on with the texts, I guess it all depends on what you want. It sounds like he broke up with you, and since you spent three years together I'm guessing that even four months later you're probably looking to get some kind of return on that investment. I'd advise against it. If something breaks down after three years, it's probably dunzo. Statistically, women are more likely to end the relationship than men, so if it was him dumping you after three years I'm confident he was pretty fucking over it.
Because guys hate seeing girls cry or be sad, bros will do like your ex has been doing, sending messages wishing you well and seeing how you're doing. Mind you, we give way fewer fucks than it seems. It just makes us feel less guilty about dumping you and making you cry. Does that mean he doesn't want to hook up? Not necessarily. Banging an ex is like slipping on an old pair of jeans in that it's easy, comfortable, and something you only do when you're out of other options. It sounds like he's just assuaging his guilt and trolling a line out to see how game you'd be.
So, if you want to feel horrible about yourself and cry a bunch when you realize that he still doesn't want to be your boyfriend, by all means flirt. Otherwise, keep strong and carry on.
Dear Head Pro,
Ex...boyfriend? Fuckbuddy? This betch is seriously lost. And 6 years later, he finds me on Facebook and starts sexting me up. Says I wasn't his "because he didn't put a flag on it" or some bullshit... but texts me how much he knows I still am into him. I ended the "relationship" so long ago because of this shit...so why is he coming back for more..and what for?
Sincerely,Over Fucking with Fuck Buddies.
Dear Over Fucking with Fuck Buddies,
Honestly, I don't know what the fuck this guy is talking about. Is he drunk? What does he mean by stuck a flag in it? Were you fucking Buzz Aldrin or something? If so, congrats. Most girls only dream of nailing an astronaut. From what I can gather out of what you provided, I think what you're looking at is the unfortunate side-effect of making technology available to stupid people. He seems like the kind of guy who says swag a lot, wears flat-brimmed hats with the stickers still on them, and has a chinstrap beard. That last sentence goes against every single thing a bro stands for.
I'm wondering what possessed you to even respond to him in the first place. This ended six years ago and you weren't facebook friends until recently? I mean, how the fuck did you even remember his name? You get sexytime texts from what started as a random number, and now you're asking him Yes but was I yours? What kind of fucked up dysfunctional thing did you guys have? I guess you could just be trying to screw with him, but I doubt it. Bottom line don't pretend to get annoyed with someone's advances and then turn around and encourage them.
Love and lots of drugs,
When you're texting with guys (or your frenemies), do you ever rack your brain over the difference between "hey" and "what's up"? Is he trying to play it cool, or is he just not that into me? Does using emoticons make him gay (hint: yes)? Head Pro is here to help.
Take a screenshot of your text convo and send it with your burning questions to email@example.com
Please include a little context, and get ready for some sextual healing.
PS. If your phone's too fucking old to take screenshots, you need more help than we can provide.
Don't forget to follow @BetchesHeadPro on Twitter!