September 27, 2012
This week on Sexts and Subtext: Toe-sucking good times and more delusional daters
Dear Head Pro,
So, I have to admit: This text conversation is from a while ago. The reason I am sending this to you now is because I recently started following your column (huge fan here) and this specific texting conversation immediately popped into my mind. Of anyone in the world, I figured you might actually have some insight on this one...
Back story: I used to hook up with this guy and it was pretty casual. Things were fine, but there was one small problem--or you could say a pair of problems--with what we had going on. For some reason, he would always insist I wear "cool socks" when we hooked up. He would only mention this via texting, so I could never tell if he was just fucking with me. The first time it happened, I thought he was wasted and just not making sense. When he said it again, I thought maybe we had some sort of inside joke about socks that I simply couldn't remember.
Finally, I realized that no, he wasn't drunk when he was talking about socks and, no, we didn't have an inside joke about it. He was dead serious: He wanted me to wear "cool socks" when we did the dirty. I always tried to avoid acknowledging the subject and usually just kind of played off with a response like "haha ya...so you have weed or should I call somebody?" And, obviously, I never fucking wore any socks. (Socks + sex = huge turn off. Amiright?!)
Now, months and months later, this whole thing still has me stumped. He and I rarely talk anymore and I have a boyfriend, so it's not like I want to figure this situation out so I can continue to pursue this dude. I just want your thoughts here: Is this some of little known weird fetish? Do some guys get turned on by socked girls' feet? And WTF qualifies as "cool" socks?!
Or...is this whole thing completely out of your range of expertise?
So not rocking out with my socks out
Dear So Not Rocking Out with my Socks Out,
This made my day. I laughed. You could even say I laughed out loud. Someone should make an acronym for that.
The thing is, this isn’t as weird or fringe as you might think. Foot fetishes are the most common fetishes in the world, so much so that it’s hardly considered a fetish anymore. I recently read somewhere that in men, the part of the brain that recognizes genital sensations is right next to the part that recognizes feet, which some theorize is an explanation for the fetish. It’s definitely a little odd and I can’t say it’s something I’ve experienced, but after reading that I recalled that I have always thought it was sexier when a girl was barefoot rather than, say, wearing high heels like a lot of guys prefer. Who knows, sex, our brains, and our bodies are a weird marriage.
The real question is what constitutes “cool socks”. Does he mean like knee-high white school-girl type socks? Yeah, ok, I could be into that. Does he mean those long, rainbow striped ones cut like gloves for your toes? Because those are gross. Who knows, maybe he means socks that are literally cool, like athletic socks made from a moisture wicking material. Maybe his sexual fantasy actually involves hiking and he knows that one of the first rules of wilderness survival is to take care of your feet. Unless you ask, his intentions will always be shrouded in mystery.
In short, sexual things involving your feet aren’t uncommon, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t weird.
Dear Head Pro,
This b[p]ro and I met at work in February. We started flirting and then eventually texting. This went on for like two months. My supervisor caught wind and forbade any sort of relationship between us. My last day at work everyone in office just happened to be getting daytime white girl wasted (the best kind). One thing led to another and next thing you know, we're hooking up on the desk in his office. We didn't have sex though. I left for the whole summer the next day. I didn't know what to expect from it now that I was 300 miles away so I never texted him first. He texted me ALL the time though, called my baby, and talked about how psyched he was for me to be back. Like a month before I got back in town I found out I wasn't getting my job back. When I told him he started texting me less and less. One night after I'd been back for like three weeks (and hadn't seen him once) I pulled a typical blackout move and texted him. The following conversation is the result. It's also the last one we've had. WHAT IS THIS KID'S DEAL? Am I crazy for being totally fucking confused?
betch in the dark.
Dear Betch in the Dark,
I’m not exactly sure what you’re in the dark about. First of all, you’re texting someone whose android avatar is a picture of his fucking abs. Is that not, right off the bat, an indication that maybe this guy kind of sucks six kinds of ass?
He kept texting you because he figured that you’d be back to work after the summer, and given that you’re the kind of girl who’s down for some office fingerblasting, he figured that it was worth keeping in touch. When he find out you weren’t coming back, he wrote you off entirely. Instead of accepting that maybe this wasn’t the fairy tale romance you’d hoped it would be, you decided to lose hard and text him the perennial winner “so what’s your deal?”
These texts are, I’m sorry to say, pretty pathetic. You initiate the texting, and then you even go so far as to ask him to hang out. And soon!! And then what does he say? “I like it”. You know how else I know he doesn’t want to hang out with you? BECAUSE HE STOPPED TEXTING YOU AND DIDN’T ASK YOU TO HANG OUT.
Yes, you’re crazy for being confused. You had one magical moment on his desk. He kept in touch because he hoped to continue having an office side piece. When he knew that wouldn’t happen, he moved on. You should too.
Have a text you need deciphered? Worried you're delusional? Send your texts and explanation to [email protected], he'll let you know if you're hopeless.