December 10, 2013
This week on Sexts and Subtext: Tis the season for dick pics.
Dear Head Pro,
About 3 months ago, my boyfriend and I of 2 years broke up. Being newly single, I have been receiving a decent amount of male attention, some good, some bad, and some plain weird. One in particular suitor is a guy I've been friends with for about 2 years now. He's that dude that everyone loves, is hilarious, and is always down to party hard. He started hitting me up about a month ago, at first super nonchalant, so I just sort of laughed it off because of the type of guy he is. Recently, however, he's becoming a lot more persistent and straightforward. After sending me a dick pic SnapChat (which by the way had a timer set for roughly 8 seconds - ABSOLUTELY NO SHAME), he sent me the first text. Like, ummm it's asleep? WTF does that even mean?! Maybe I was misleading with my response but I really was tired AF. The second text was sent to me yesterday when I liked his changed relationship status on Facebook (immature I know, but I give zero). I'm just trying to figure out where this kid's head is at, how stupid he thinks I am, and how to go about handling all of this (PS - I should probably mention I don't want to bang him whatsoever so it's not an option).
Dear Mind Blown,
Oh dear. Um, apparently where his “head” is at is not such a mystery - it’s right there, in the snapchat he sent you. I think by “asleep” he meant “not erect?” I don’t know about being misleading in your response. If your intent was to lead him to believe you were “tired AF,” then I would say you succeeded. I think a more appropriate response might have been. “Not at all,” or “Like a woodchipper.”
The kind of guy who sends a snapchat of his dick is the same kind of guy who takes anything other than direct rebuke of said snapchat as acceptance. You said yourself that he’s the kind of carefree, hard-partying Good Time Charlie about whom mothers warn their daughters. That’s why he freely talks about (and photographically documents) his sex life. When castigated for being an intolerable shitbag outside the parameters of a party situation, he hides behind the bullet-proof defense of “Lol bro lol, thatz jus’ me bein’ me, dogg. Loogit this pic of the dump I just took lol.”
Still, while telling him to fuck off might result in him labeling you a buzzkill, it will also have the fortunate side effect of him ceasing to send you temporary images of his penis (hopefully). Your passive aggression is admirable, but inadequate in this case. If he does it again, screenshot it before it disappears, and send it back to him. Tell him if he does it again, it’ll wind up on the internet. After that, there should be zero chance he’d send, say, a full-body selfie, featuring him all but nude if not for a festive reindeer antler cap.
It’s poor form to send a pic of a flaccid penis,
Dear Head Pro,
Happy Holidays from the biggest dick in Cornell (literally & metaphorically speaking). Watch your backs ladies, and the next time you find out a guy you're seeing has a girlfriend, you make sure you post the pictures he sent to you all over the internet.
Merry fucking Christmas, everyone. I’m glad to see that college kids STILL like to adorn their walls with “Anchorman” posters. Let me guess, does he also have a “Beers of the World” poster, and that one with the two chicks in their underwear kissing? Maybe a faux-nostalgic “Beer: Helping Ugly People Have Sex Since 1862” poster? How original. “LOL GUYS THIS IS SO FUNNY HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT?” Fuck off.
How do you know it’s *literally* the biggest?