Sexts and Subtext with Head Pro

By The Betches

This week on Sexts and Subtext: More lame attempts at nudity, and I’ve heard of delusional daters but delusional FWB is a new one for me.

Dear pro,

I have got a serious clinger on my hands. But not clingy in a good way, this bro always asks me for dirty pictures and I have noooo interest in sending them. I dated him two years ago and we just started talking again. I had all the intentions of going down to pound town with this bro until he started getting really clingy... And majorly creepy. How can I get a bro to stop asking?


Classy betch

Dear Classy Betch,

Wow, what a fucking loser. Though crass, I kind of respect the guys who just outright ask to see some tits. It shows initiative. This guy, on the other hand, thinks he’s being clever, but unfortunately for him (and you I guess) it comes of as creepy and kind of fruity. What’s the deal with the smiley face? Yeah, good call asshole, adding a smiley face will totally mitigate the fact that you asked a girl to send you a picture of her naughty bits. Fucking idiot.

Before moving on, let’s talk about your role in this. If he’s skeeving you out so much, why are you texting  him at all? Even worse, why the fuck are you talking to him about your tanlines? Don’t complain about his creepy texts when you’re all but asking for the attention. I don’t know why, but girls seem to think it’s ok to compartmentalize a guy’s undesirable traits and then carry on with the friendship/relationship. This guy is creepy, clingy, and demanding. It’s part of who he is right now. You can’t pretend as though you’re having fun casually flirting with this guy and then just giggle and ignore it when he does something creepy. I mean you can, but good luck finding a place to live when he flips out and burns your fucking house down.

So how do you get rid of him? I can think of a few things you can try. I can’t see what you said in response, but it’d have been hilarious if you found a picture of some tan lines in your house, like wallpaper or something, and sent him that. Major points if you do that. Otherwise, you need to stand up for yourself and tell him very directly to stop asking and that he will literally die before he gets a nudie pic of you on his phone. Threaten to tell his friends, or threaten to forward them to your friends, whatever. That’s really it. Sound too harsh/afraid of losing the “friendship”? Too fucking bad. Stop being an attention whore and find someone else to flirt with. I know you dated him two years ago so it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but if it bugged you enough to email me it should bug you enough to put a stop to it.

Show me your tanlines?

Head Pro

Dear Pro,

So back in November, I ended up hooking up with this guy that I had had my eyes on since Freshman year. We had mutual friends but had never even had a real conversation.. It was unlike me to have sex with someone so quickly but I wasnt exactly thinking straight as it was the night of my bestie's twenty-first...

Afterwards we texted casually and hooked up again before leaving for Christmas break.. Second semester, I studied abroad and obviously didnt really stay in touch.
When I got home in May, he was FBO with some other girl..The other week, I ran into him at a bar for the first time.. We had a casual conversation about my abroad experience and our plans for the summer, like typical stuff..

After he left, he sent me the following texts.. I know, like wtf? Who says any of that....

But basically what I want to know is, does he actually just want to be friends or is he trying to fuck? I know this is bad since he has a girlfriend, but honestly he is my ideal candidate for a FWB relationship.. He's so nice (easily manipulated) and we've already had sex so I won't be upping my numbers .. Should I just let it or go, or should I pursue it and see if he's willing to break up with his new gf?


A Good Girlfriend

Dear A Good Girlfriend,

You know how I know he’s not going to leave his girlfriend for you? Because he fucking hasn’t. You guys had a couple of drunken bang sessions and then fell out of contact for an entire SEMESTER. That’s a long time, and so while you, a girl he only casually stayed in contact with and banged a couple of times, were out of the country, he found a girlfriend. I’m not really sure what the big mystery is here.

I’m kind of appalled that you’re trying to plan out FWB relationship with a guy who’s not even close to available. You guys met up, had a cordial, friendly conversation, and then he sent you some texts wherein he explicitly refers to you as a friend. Hint: Guys don’t do that unless they mean it. It’s not a flirting tactic.

I assume you’re confused about the second text, but I think you’re reading too much into it. It sounds like he’s just alluding to something you guys had in common, using past experiences as a way to solidify the friendship. Maybe you were the aggressor in your two trysts and that’s why it’s a joke, I don’t know. Whatever it is, it sounds like he’s just acknowledging your good times and clearly moving forward platonically.

Is it technically possible that he’s trying to set the stage for some sneaky action on the side? I guess so, but it sounds about as likely as me lifting the restraining order I had to place on Candice Swanepoel. Sorry baby, but I just don’t like blondes as much. Tell Miranda Kerr I said hello.

(Platonic) Kisses,

Head Pro

Send your raunchiest sexts to [email protected]




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