Sexts and Subtext with Head Pro

By The Betches

October 5, 2012

Dear Head Pro,

So obviously I love you and all of your advice, otherwise I wouldn't be e-mailing you.  Unfortunately, I am desperately in need of some advice/ a potential reality check and it would be wonderful if you could help me.

Last semester I was seeing this bro for a few months and things were going really well.  We were having a really fun time and things were starting to get pretty serious when one night we got into a really big fight over something really stupid.  We wound up ending things because of it, which kind of sucked.  A month or so after we ended it he started texting me again and said that he thought we gave up on each other too quickly/he wanted to talk about maybe getting back together.  I wasn't too sure about it/was still kind of pissed about how shit ended so I sort of shut him down. Now it's been almost 6 months since we ended things and I can't stop thinking about him.  Even when I'm hanging out with other bros I just really want to be hanging out with him.  I ran into him the other day and afterwards I texted him and asked if he wanted to hang out/catch up sometime, and these are the subsequent texts.


Initially I was just like okay whatever, I just won't text him anymore.  But then I showed the texts to my fellow betch and she said that she thought he really wanted me to text him and that he was basically asking for it.  I really like this bro and want to be with him but I don't want to be a home-wrecking slut.  I can't figure out if he still likes me and just wants me to show him that I still like him, or if he just wants to hook up with me but really likes his current betch, or if he actually wants nothing to do with me and I'm just reading way too much into this/being a total delusional dater.

betch with feelings, ugh

Dear Betch with Feelings,

Wow, talk about hashtag losing. You and a guy break up, he offers to give things another try after everyone’s had time to cool off, and you’re too busy acting like a child and holding a grudge to think about things objectively. Now, when he’s happy with someone who isn’t you, you decide that you “can’t stop thinking about him”. What are you, 12? Did you make a shrine out of pictures of him in your school locker? Do you sometimes close your eyes and pinch your nipples while pretending to make out with him? Losing, losing, losing. You’re losing harder than the New Orleans Saints, which is hard to do because they’ve done literally nothing but lose all season.

Now, this isn’t all your fault because your friend’s a moron too. I don’t really see what about these texts make it sound like he’s “asking for it”. Re-read this sentence: “I can't figure out if he still likes me and just wants me to show him that I still like him...” Yes, he totally likes you and is just waiting for you to say the right phrase to unlock all the love that he keeps bottled up in his heart for you. Oh nevermind, you actually did that and he still politely declined.

All he’s doing here is convolutedly trying to let you down easy. Sure, I guess could be some truth to the idea of him being tempted to bang you one last time, because that’s about all exes are good for. Either way, I think you’re just going to have to let this one go. He likes his current gf - leave them be.

Unrequited Kisses,

Head Pro

Hey Head Pro,

Here's part of a standard "conversation" I had yesterday with this super hot guy i've been hooking up with for the past few weeks. We've never been on an actual date although like each other just fine (obvs enough for him to text me nearly every day during actual daylight/sober, even if we don't see each other that often). He hasn't hooked up with anyone else since we started up. He's grey (with the best Christian Grey elements, no emotional warped-ness),  I'm blue. What do you think? Help please!

Dear ________,

First of all, I am completely unfamiliar with any of the characters in that stupid book, so saying he’s like Christian Grey doesn’t tell me anything. Secondly, is there even a question here? What exactly do you need help with? All he’s saying to you here is “let me love you” (A great, underrated song. Whatever happened to Mario, anyway?).

The only thing that’s a little odd is that you’re exclusive, talk all the time, but don’t go on dates. That’s a pretty odd relationship. Do you not live in the same area or something? Otherwise, if you like each other enough to chat incessantly and hook up, I don’t see how this guy isn’t your boyfriend. Earth to Matilda, if you’re seeing someone exclusively and they don’t get on your nerves, you’ll start to like them more and more. Eventually, that “like” emotion might even turn into a stronger emotion called “love.” Maybe you should be friends with the girl above you, because both of you seem pretty upset with the abstract concept of feelings.

Of course, you aren’t obligated to reciprocate those feelings, and since it’s only been a few weeks I can see why you might be thrown off by the prospect of him maybe loving you in the future. But file this away for later down the road, no guy likes to be completely brushed off when they decide to express their feelings. After all, we’ve been conditioned since childhood to believe that girls expect us to move forward with those feelings.

Even if you don’t feel the same way about someone, there are better ways of avoiding it than getting vulgar and trying to be funny. No one likes that, and it makes you sound like a wannabe guys’ girl who’s “like, too cool for feelings and shit. Toss me another beer, brotimes.” You don’t want to be that girl, do you? No, you don’t. Tell the guy you like him a lot, or that you feel strongly yourself but aren’t ready to take that step yet. Just don’t talk about licking his ass. Unless he’s into that.

50 Shades of Kisses,

Head Pro







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