November 15, 2012
Dear Head Pro,
One weekend a bro visited his hometown best friend, who happened to be a good friend of mine at school. The first night he was here we got blackout and had sex. I absolutely wasn't expecting a relationship out of this bro, he lived like 5 hours away and wasn't exactly my type but whatever. The next night I got distracted by something else and he had sex with my friend during a party and then expected to go home with me the same night. Obviously, it didn't happen. I lost interest in continuing the weekend long hookup immediately. Once he left, he kept the lines of communication open (read: texted me all day every day, getting minimal response). After getting over the initial "you fucked some other chick basically in front of me and then expected to come home with me" disbelief, we started to get serious and he came out to visit a few more times. Fast forward 4 months and the texting and calling stopped abruptly (his decision). Whatever, a betch can move on from some long distance, minimal commitment fuck buddy.
Fast forward 3 more months and I get a random text from the kid. He had these series of sex dreams about me. I laughed out loud when I read these message (not to mention turning red with embarrassment for this dude.) He just kept going into extreme detail, some that I couldn't submit because of the context. Yikes. A few weeks later we met up at Bonnaroo because our mutual friend, along with a bunch of others, organized a big camp site.
My question to you is: what's this bro's deal? Why is he sharing so much detail with me? He didn't know I was going to Bonnaroo too, so I know it's not that he wanted to rekindle the fuck fire.
Second Handily Embarrassed
Dear Second Handily Embarrassed,
The reason I love S&S (besides making more work for the Betches to upload the images) is that it can be funny for different reasons. Sometimes it’s the texts themselves, like when a guy accidentally texts the wrong girl saying he wants to “put my tongue in your ass,” or drunkenly says that he loves you and wants to put a baby in you. Other times, like this time, it’s the emails that make me laugh.
After classily blacking out and fucking a complete and total stranger, you’re not only surprised but also angry that he had the nerve to continue his tear of awesomeness by asking for the pleasure of your company again after fucking yet another complete stranger. I mean, what we had was like, soooo romantic. How could he? Not that either of you in any way met even the lowest threshold for reasonable behavior, but I can still see why you’d be mad. “Talk me into sex with no effort, shame on you; talk me into sex with no effort after doing the same thing to someone else, shame on me,” as the old saying goes.
That should have been it, a quiet ending to a weekend fraught with questionable decisions, like staying in to study or taking viagra before church. What I can’t believe is that after a series of texts (that logic would say should have gotten zero responses), you decide to “get serious.” Seriously what? Seriously desperate to the point that you’ll allow some random douchebag whom you only know through texts and bodily fluids to come into town and fuck you without even buying you dinner first? Come on, it’s one thing to be confused about a guy’s intentions, but it’s another thing entirely to be so delusional that you think you’re the cool, in-control one in this situation.
As for his texts? The guy’s high as balls. That’s all. I knew that much (and in hindsight, probably everything I needed to know about you) when I read the words “campsite” and “Bonnaroo.” Gross.
Send your sexts to firstname.lastname@example.org like, now.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing