December 6, 2012
Dear Head Pro,
So, I'm in high school and I recently started talking to this pro-in-training.He's the quarter back of the football team, totally hot, but actually a genuinely nice person. We haven't been talking for that long, and have only hung out a few times. He seems like he's interested in me, but I just can't read guys at all. So, I was at a typical high school house party and drunk texted him. Everything was going fine, we were flirting, and this huge embarrassment happened.I tried to play off this whole miscommunication but I don't know if i succeeded. I'm really into this guy and don't want to ruin a great potential hookup because of my drunk texting faux pas. Did I totally screw up? Is there a way to salvage this? Whats a girl to do?
Dear Overthinking Betch,
God, high schoolers can be so fucking cute sometimes. I’m assuming you’re concerned because you fear you tipped your hand, so to speak, correct? Look, it’s obvious that at least one of you is lying in these messages about who actually sent it, and it’s obviously you. But that doesn’t matter, because guess what? Not only did he buy it, but he was embarrassed too! That doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you, it just means one (obvious) thing: teenage boys are insecure, nervous wrecks. Even though your “fake” response to his “fake” invitation was positive, he was still a little bashful. That’s normal. He’s in high school, where you begin to figure this kind of shit out.
I know you love me and this site and want to be awesome and cool and have casual hookups and stuff, but given your age maybe try having a boyfriend or two first. If you’re “really into this guy” don’t try to fool yourself (or me) into thinking you’re worried about messing up a “great hookup.” If you like him, just say so and act accordingly. No one here’s going to think you’re a loser. There’s a time for flings and casual hookups, and that time is whenever you don’t have to hide your condom stash from your parents anymore.
Showering You With Kisses,
I had recently moved to the city and was making a new group of friends when we all decided to go to this major house music party, I'm not normally into that genre but it was free for me and an excuse to get blackout. We all meet up at my best guy friends place and start pre-gaming, hard.
None of us had ever met his new roommate until that night..enter Jon ( my worst annoyance nightmare ever). That night he seemed totes normal. A little socially awkward but he's kind of dorky and that can be considered endearing sometimes. The night progresses and its obvious he think I'm hot and is totally try to kick (what little) game he has, but whatever, I'm well on my way to black out and he's offering to pay for my drinks and cab home later. Knowing its my friends roommate, when he adds me on FB and asks for my number the next day I play nice..b.c like whatever who doesn't like another option for free shit.
Anyway so we hang out later that week just casual and he's WAY more socially awkward than I remember. Maybe it's it was the brownie I ate or the half bottle of vodka at the pre game but this dude is the lamest kid I've ever talked to! So I get my friend to call me with an "emergency" and I bail. After that I don't really acknowledge he exists. I rarely answer his texts, FB chats, random words with friends chat convos and I see him only one more time at a group outing on the beach, where I barely talked to him or paid attention. The kid then buys me forever yogurt (the best fro-yo, outside pinkberry obvs) and tries to split it with me. Gross. Can you try any harder? I decide I just can't.
I start to just blatantly ignore his texts, but he doesn't get the message. Day after day of unreturned plan attempts and he just doesn't get it, so I try a route I don't usually take, I tried to be nice about it. I let him know in the most polite way that I think he wants something more than a friendship and I'm not trying to do that: read the texts some the most hilarious shit I've ever read:
OK so I hope you're still with me after that because it gets better!
So a few months later it H-ween and my friend decides to throw another awesome pre-game (per usual) at his place. His roomie, who had stayed very low key since the texts, was there and I thought I was dealing with a normal semi-rational human- I was wrong. I say hi and he childishly goes "don't talk to me" turns around and storms away. I roll my eyes and giggle b.c I'm not about to care about that shit and proceed to start getting black out. The person that never leaves my group thoughout the whole thing is fucking HIM! this kid who doesn't want to talk to me, stays 4 fucking feet from me all night and the end when I'm way past blackout decides it's time to have another little chat. Whatever it was that I said this is what I woke up to...
No one can talk sense into him and it’s starting to cause issues between my friend and I. No one even likes him. That said, what am I supposed to do? I miss my friends pre-games, his awesome rooftop bar and all around not having to endure a night with this lame ass trying to tell me how he hates himself and how I'm a horrible person. Please help.
WTF happened to men?
Jesus Christ, this was long as fuck but I published it anyway because it was too good not to. I’ve met and heard about some really bitchy, emotional men, but this guy takes the cake. This is the kind of guy even our gay bros and betches would look at and call “a fucking queer.” Your predicament is a tough one, kind of like trying to decide whether it’s faster to crawl out the beast-you-nailed-the-night-before’s window or just suffocate it with its pillow. Shut up, every bro’s been there.
What you’re dealing with is the kind of broseur who, for whatever reason, has been conditioned to believe that girls will eventually cave to him if he gets emotional enough. Maybe he got pity fucked one time, or maybe he had a girlfriend that he was able to guilt into staying with him every time she’d had enough of his crybaby bullshit. Whatever the reason, you have a problem if you ever want to see that rooftop again.
The solution, I think, lies in your bro friend. I don’t believe, not for one minute, that Sir CriesALot actually went to his roommate and said “I just can’t be around WTF, the memories we share are too emotional. Please respect my feelings and don’t bring her around anymore.” Are you fucking kidding me? No, I’m sorry. Even the most understanding of bros would tell his roommate to shake the sand out of his vagina and stop being such a fucking pussy. This shit happened months ago. Trust me, any guy who hears enough of that will either grow a pair or move out.
I don’t think he’s honestly said shit to your friend, so now it’s your turn. Show him these messages (on this site or your phone, your call). Show him what he’s living with. He knows him better than you do and will know what to do to get him to either come around or at least make himself scarce when you’re there. Also, tell your friend to not live with a fucking 15 year old girl next time.
Have funny texts/sexts and want advice? Screenshot and send to firstname.lastname@example.org.