July 19, 2012
This week on Sexts and Subtext: I wanna dance with somebody
Dear Head Pro,
I was talking/crushing on this guy for a while. We hung out a couple of times but he would never ask me out on a real date so I just said screw it. A few days after I received these text messages. Seriously??? I mean I didn't even know how to respond I just started dying laughing. Unfortunately you can't even use the drunk excuse because it was the middle of the work week...needless to say nothing happened after that. I know it was a few months ago but this gem of a screen shot still makes a great story. I am still curious though, what the hell was this guy thinking?
Dear Mrs. Smith,
I mean, I’ve seen worse. Lamer? No, probably not, but definitely worse. At least he’s not asking to see your tits or anything. On the other hand, he’s texting you to talk about his fantasy of the two of you dancing with weapons (which is admittedly kind of a cool concept). Pretty embarrassing, especially since you two aren’t even dating. I bet Brad and Angelina don’t even bring that scene up when they’re out doing whatever the fuck it is they do all day. I ass
ume it involves a lot of abducting children, making bad movies, and some unexpectedly boring sex.
What he was trying to do, I’m guessing, was appeal to your romantic side. This attempt just happened to be a colossal failure. Growing up, guys are led to believe that every girl wants life to be like a fairytale where we take you to romantic candle-lit dinners and throw our jackets over mud puddles and shit. It doesn’t occur to most guys that sometimes, a steamy fuck sesh in the back of a Range Rover is infinitely more appealing to you than being fawned over and idolized. Guys are also pretty bad at gauging where on the spectrum a relationship falls, so it’s not unheard of to see something like this where he tries to do something cutesy that ends up being way out of step with where you thought you guys were on the continuum. That doesn’t make it any less hilarious, but just sayin.
So good job ending things with this guy. I don’t care what his intentions were, “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” doesn’t make for good romantic fodder. Don’t feel too freaked out though, because I bet Brad still gets the same exact texts from Jennifer Aniston on the reg.