March 17, 2014
So we can’t say that The Secret Life of the American Teenager was the worst show ever to be broadcast on TV. Sure, the acting was on the same level as your summer camp production of Hairspray where they had to remove the segregation plotline, the story sounded like something your boyfriend would pull out of his ass while he was tripping balls on acid, and Molly Ringwald’s face had inflated like a hot air balloon since her Breakfast Club days. Secret Life was no Scandal, we all realize that, but we also watched all five seasons because there was something about the hokey teen drama that hooked us. And that reason was Shailene Woodley, the coolest teen mom ever.
From the moment we learned this Betch’s #213 made-up name, we knew we wanted to be friends with her. If you’ve ever seen her in interview, you know she has a classic raspy sorority girl voice, and the way she talks about music as “medicine for the soul” and calls Jimmy Fallon “dude” assures you that she’s a good-time stoner betch. Can’t you so imagine blazing one with her while listening to her stories about playing George Clooney’s whiny daughter in The Descendants, aka the betchiest role ever written?
Last summer Shailene starred in The Spectacular Now opposite Miles Teller, who she fell in love with because he was super cute, despite that fact that he was an alcoholic and kind of a douchebag to her. We recommend you check it out, but only if you’re prepared to cry for a good hour and a half cause it will remind you why high school boys fucking suck.
This week, the first film in the Divergent trilogy hits cinemas, and we predict it will be the next Hunger Games. That said, we also predict that Shailene will steal America’s attention away from mega-betch Jennifer Lawrence, whom she apparently hit up for advice about juggling stardom and holistic awesomeness, and we presume the struggles of dealing with a below average haircut. If the movie is good, we might even be able to forgive her for her weird new pixie do.