August 13, 2014
It goes without saying that the opportunity to actually date a betch is a blessing for any bro who is worthy enough (read: hot enough) to actually earn it. Betches are generally great girlfriends because they're not needy, they have their own friends, and they're not going to let themselves get fat just because they have a bf now. That being said, there are a few hurdles that bros have to jump over when making it official with a betch that can make the whole "dating" thing a shitload harder than it actually is. So here's our guide to the most common shitty things betches do in relationships so that you can avoid them. Or not. You're a betch. Bros are gonna date you anyway.
Betches don't cheat. Cheating is not betchy. Betches do, however, let sad lonely dudes who clearly have crushes on them text them every day and make flirty little comments and make them live in the peropetual gray area of what I like to call the not-really-friendszone. The not-really-friendszone is for the guy that you like to keep around to threaten and generally piss off your current boyfriend, while making sure that you have the added security of a dude who will comfort (read: fuck) you once your current bf finally gets fed up and dumps your almost-cheating ass. You tell your boyfriend and all of your friends that he's "like a brother" to you and that you guys would "never" hook up, but everybody nows that is a lie because: 1) guy friends don't exist, and 2) you are so fucking obvious.
Why it's shitty: Because right now you may have two boyfriends, but give this bullshit another week and you'll be down to zero, plus you'll lose whatever actual friendship may have accidentally sprung up between you and your new back burner bro. Other betches will see what you're doing from a mile away and be immediately over it, so you could potentially lose some actual besties who see your behavior as a sign that you're a potential psycho. And look, there's nothing wrong with wanting to flirt with most of the dudes you meet or even leading them on to do whatever you want (sorry bros). Girls do that shit all the time. It's called being single. You should try it.
Setting traps is one of the most common ways for a betch to blow offf a little steam by getting in a quick mid-day fight with her bf. They usually begin with a text about something random like, "Do you think I drink too much wine?" The key here isn't really the question, its the fact that no matter what he answers you are going to be pissed, and you knew that when you sent the text to begin with. So if he says "nah u good" you're going to say "uh okay well there's actually alcoholism in my family. I know I've told you that. I guess that's how much you care." But if he says "yah maybe slow down a little?" you're going to say "oh okay but you and your dumbass friends can drink as much jager as you want and I'm not supposed to judge you? Have fun getting fat you fucks." And voilá, now you and your boyfriend are in a fight and you can force him to come over to "talk" until you both get exhausted and have sex and fall asleep. This is known in the betch world as, "A Typical Tuesday Night."
Why it sucks: Because setting traps is for when you're trying to catch and kill something, not for your poor, dumb boyfriend. What else do people catch in traps? Mice. And what do we know about mice? They're disgusting and way too fucking stupid to recognize a trap when they see one. They're going to fall into it every time and then you have to call some dude from your building to come over and smash them on the ground and then throw their body away. It's disgusting. Do you really want to have to smash your boyfriend on the ground and throw his body away? If that's what you're into, there's a really great way to smash the bodies of as many bros as you want and then throw them away without even having to text or anything. It's called being single. You should try it.
Everybody has had at least one bestie who is in a longterm relationship yet has literally never once said something positive about her bf. Any time you meet up with her she's always talking about how annoying his friends are, or how stupid he is, or how small his dick is, yet when you see them together they are happy and based on the frequency with which you accompany her to Planned Parenthood, the sex is fine. As far as you can tell, there would be legitimately no difference between how this chick talks about her boyfriend now when they're together, and how she'd talk about him when they're broken up and it's very annoying considering that there is probably a girl out there who would date him and like, actually like it.
Why it's shitty: It is your god-given right to talk shit about your boyfriend to your besties. Women have been doing this for centuries, or else we would have all gone insane before Jesus even got here. That being said, it annoys the shit out of everyone to hear someone constantly complain about a person who they clearly have a fine relationship with. There is other shit going on in this world for betches to think about. Jay Z and Beyonce are getting a divorce and they still post beautiful instas of themselves regularly, so why don't you get your shit together? And, once again, if you want to fuck bros and then talk shit about them, there is an easy way to do that, and it is called being single. Please. Please. Just try it.