How To Tell If You Have A 'Shopping Addiction'

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

If you’re a true betch, then you know all too well the feeling of going onto Nasty Gal during work, in the name of “harmless” browsing, only to find yourself in a cold sweat, with your right eye twitching violently, as you feebly resist the urge to buy all the things. That’s because just like all betches have anxiety, all betches also have a shopping addiction.

And to those of you who're annoyed we couldn’t post one intelligent argument on relevant social issues and leave it at that without posting one really superficial thing: never underestimate a betch's complex range.

Compulsive Shopping affects betches of all ages and wallet sizes. Like just because you spent your week’s paycheck on multiple Ubers last night doesn’t mean you’re not going to order 3 crop tops this morning. Besides, you might be paying $50 for half a shirt but you’re bound to wear it at least, like, twice, so it basically pays for itself.

Some symptoms of being a shopping addict include

  • Having so many clothes in your room you can’t see your floor. You don’t even remember what color your rug is anymore. Wait, do you even have a rug?
  • Cutting spending in other areas to make room for your ridiculous totally rational shopping habit. Like, if I only have iced coffee for the next 7 meals, I can save up enough to buy a new pair of wedges. Challenge accepted.
  • You gave up shopping for lent/your New Year’s Resolution/according to the terms of your probation (jk) but you broke it…thirty five seconds into your vow.
  • At this point your wardrobe has pretty much become different variations on the same theme: short dresses and tall heels, high-waisted shorts and crop tops, army pants and flip flops, just a sea of the same shit in different colors and patterns. No but this flowy top has a small chevron print and this flowy top has a larger chevron print. They're totally different!
  • You sort of get what it’s like to have a kid now; anytime someone suggests you like donate some old stuff to charity you go all lioness protecting her baby cub on them. Officer, I totally slapped that cunt in self-defense; she tried to take my 5th favorite LBD to a clothing drop. I mean, wouldn't you have done the same thing to your mom?! Whatever, at least your babies don’t cry or eat or inconvenience anyone in any way, and they’re way cuter than some drooling infant.                                                                                                                          
  • All the employees at every Bergdorf’s, Dior, and high-end boutique in a five-mile radius know you by name, size, and preferred color palette. But let’s be honest, they probably would’ve known you anyway since you’re kind of a big deal.

Symptoms do not include

  • Credit card debt. Ew, a low credit score and bruises acquired from loan sharks? Gross. Not betchy.

Treatments for shopping addiction include

  •  Rehab, if somehow your mom managed to delude you into believing that your spending habits are not normal (they prob are, dw).


  • Retail therapy.

Real talk, retail therapy is the only therapy for a betch, aside from you know our candy men…uh, I mean, actual therapists.  Few things are as efficient in solving problems as the rush you get from signing that receipt and taking home the Celine bag you’ve had your eye on for like, all of six and a half days...oh, hold on my eye is acting up again. It’s better than sex. Okay, probably not sex, but def better than chocolate, plus all that walking around Nordstrom won’t make you fat.

So don’t stop shopping, betches of the world. Shop ‘til you drop, or ‘til your arm game gets on Michelle Obama’s level from carrying all those heavy bags. And if anyone ever calls you materialistic just tell them, “this is why you can’t have nice things.”




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