Should I Get a Nose Job? Ask a Pro

By The Betches

With Christmas approaching, I figured I’d use this week to clean out my inbox a little before I set about eating way too much and drinking in order to tolerate relatives.

Dear Head Pro,

So, first off I would like to say how much I enjoy reading your advice- truly witty genius. I had a question concerning plastic surgery. Where I'm from, like most affluent (JAB) towns, getting a nose job, or any cosmetic procedure for that matter, is completely commonplace. Some definitely could use the help, but others simply do it to just "fit in" or become "prettier" in their opinion. My question is: Is plastic surgery worth it? Or is it better to keep attempting to come to terms with a feature we are not completely happy about? Thanks for all your help Head Pro!


Natural Betch

Up to you, but understand that doctors sell elective cosmetic surgery as a path to happiness - the assumption being that your huge nose or floppy boobs are the source of your discontent. They aren’t. People, as a rule, are unhappy due to whatever they perceive as their failures in life: Not enough money, not enough companionship, etc. “If I fix my boobs,” so the thinking goes, “I’ll finally get what I want.” False.

Making yourself more attractive might bring you more attention from men, but attention itself won’t make anyone happier, at least not long term. Think of pretty girls who get a lot of attention from guys, a lot of them are still miserable. Attention without substance or qualification is worthless. Being prettier won’t make someone love you, or love you more. It won’t make you a better worker, or more like someone people want to be around. That’s what makes people happier, and a nosejob contributes fuck all in that regard.

Still, it’s your body, and no one’s opposed to the world being a more attractive place.

Dear Head Pro,

About 7 months ago I met up with one of my tinder matches. We met up at a bar with my sorority sisters (in case he was a fucking weirdo) but we ended up hitting it off. Obviously he came back with me and we had sex...twice. We've been hookup buddies ever since. I knew what I was getting myself into, even though I really liked him. At first it was always me texting him and asking him to "hang out". As soon as I stopped doing that a few months ago he has been the one to text me first almost every day - and now not just to hook up but actually to converse. I've also blown him off numerous times the last few months when he's asked to come over just to see if he'll keep talking to me. He literally never stops talking to me now, texting me and asking to just hang out.. for real. Do you think he still just wants to still be hookup buddies? Do you think there's even a chance we could ever actually date? If so, how do I even begin to change to that dynamic?


Tinder Problems.

I suppose the way to see if someone wants to date you would be to accept their proposal of a date and then see how it goes, wouldn’t it? I know, it’s astonishing how the more time a person spends with you voluntarily, the more likely they are to start valuing your companionship.

Why make this into some weird fucking experiment? Why blow him off “just to see if he’ll keep talking to you?” That’s strange. Where’s the value in that? In what way do either of you derive any meaningful benefit? You don’t, which is why this question is fucking stupid. Here’s any idea: If what you’re looking for is a normal relationship, maybe don’t meet people on an app expressly designed for fucking.

Dear Head Pro,

If you were somehow magically granted the choice between having $100 billion, or the ability to sleep with any woman you wanted, which would you pick?


Genie in a Bottle

The money. No contest. I’ve seen the same question around the internet, sometimes with the variation that the second option is “end world hunger” or some shit. The answer is still the money. It’s one of those things where people try to make you feel bad about making a selfish choice, which is horseshit. Do you know how much good you could do with $100 BN? A billion is a thousand millions. That means if you spent $1 MM per day, it would take you roughly three years to spend $1 BN. That’s 300 years, then, to spend $100 BN.

Say a family member had cancer. Sure, you could save them with a version of the second option, but if you had $100 BN you could afford to build and staff the world’s largest cancer research facility, with every single staff member dedicated to curing your family member’s particular form of cancer.

I’ve never seen “sleep with everyone” as an option, but I still take the money. It wouldn’t be any fun to know that you could fuck any woman on earth with some Jedi mind trick, not to mention how ethically questionable it would be. I’m pretty sure that if I had a hundred billion dollars, I could lead the sort of lifestyle that would pique Mila Kunis’ interests.




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