January 14, 2014
Dear Head Pro,
To make a long story short, 3 months after I moved in with my boyfriend we got in a heated argument that ended with me getting thrown into our couch. Sure, I said my share of shit and even threw some water on him, but never once did I try to get physical. I wasn't hurt, but was shocked that he would take it to that level, especially given that he is almost twice my size. I immediately broke up with him and moved out. Since then, my now estranged boyfriend has apologized a billion times and sworn that he will never ever do it again. He also says he didn't intend to use as much force as he did.
My question to you is, can a man truly change this type of behavior or will it only escalate? Is there a "type" of man that will push/throw/hit a woman? I really love this guy, but surely do not want to be in an abusive relationship. Also, my friends and family who know what happened now think I am trying to blindly rationalize his behavior when I talk about getting back together with him. I have since spent ample time with him and vented my anger to with him about what happened and at no point has he shown any type of physical aggression. He has even said that he will be patient and wait for me to trust him again and even go to therapy if I want. Could it be a one time thing? Or is it bound to happen again?
Don't want to get Chris-Browned
Well, let’s make something clear - you did in fact make things physical when you threw water on him. Just because you touched him with something that wasn’t in your hand at the time doesn’t make it a non-physical act. For instance, spit on someone and see if they don’t slug you. That said, there’s a reason guys don’t usually put their hands on girls, and it’s not just out of chivalry. It’s an issue of perceived physical threat. You don’t throw a haymaker at another dude just for looking at your girlfriend at a bar, because that’s not really a threat to your relationship. You don’t really put your hands on your girlfriend for anything, because it’s very unlikely that she’s capable of actually hurting you. Some people do use force when it’s not justified, though, and we call those people “criminals.”
Could it happen again? It sure could! It could also not. There’s no way to know. Think of how shitty your relationship will be moving forward. Let’s say you excuse it as something that only happened because that was the angriest he’d ever been in his life. So, you may not fear him hurting you, per se, but you do fear making him angry because that’s the only way you could ever really know if it was just a one-time thing. A relationship where you constantly have to walk on eggshells because your boyfriend might turn into the Incredible Hulk sounds like the worst fucking thing imaginable. It’s just not worth it.
Truthfully, people who “love each other” don’t make each other that mad. Sure, our loved ones piss us off the most because they’re closest to us, but when you get mad there are always doors to slam, cats to punt, and porn to angrily masturbate to. If you have to resort to throwing water or tossing someone into a couch like you’re doing an emergency cleanup before your mom comes over, that’s a good sign you probably don’t need to share a fucking apartment, or anything, with each other.
Remember to keep your gloves up,
P.S. - There will probably be a bunch of people rushing down to the comments to write 1,000 word diatribes about their experience with domestic violence. You may find their experience helpful, but probably not because it’s the comments we’re talking about.
Dear Head Pro,
So I've been hanging out with this new guy for a bit (like a month), and we have by no means established exclusivity. However, homeboy is not exactly a ladies man (5 month dry spell prior to me) and pseudo stalked me into a date (it wasn't actually creepy-- more so just try-hard in a way that massively stroked my ego), so he's clearly into me. I really like him so I haven't been shopping around for other fellas, but he just tinder matched with my sister (who he has met on multiple occasions when we all go out). I truthfully don't give a shit about that because I know it was for fucking giggles, but I'm bothered more so by the fact that he happened to run across her while he was clearly tindering up a storm. Being a huge betch, my sister obvi called him out & he said that nobody is matching with him (he's just not photogenic unfortunately) & he just likes to look at the pics (is he 5?!). The way I see it, I have 4 options.
1. Keep hanging out & act like I don't care (sounds hard)
2. Keep hanging out & tell him it bothered me (ummm possibly too soon. crazy betch?!)
3. Keep hanging out & go out with other bros to give him a taste of his own medicine (but I'm twenty-fucking-five. I'm over game-playing at this point. Plus I'm legit not interested in anyone else)
4. Stop hanging out (BUT I LIKE HIM)
Now I'm no Kate Upton, but I'm a pretty girl who likes him & who is not just a cluster of pictures in a dumb fucking app. What the hell is his problem and what the hell do I do?
Not his Tinderella
P.S. We've slept together & he has casually met my parents if that makes any difference.
Oh for fuck’s sake. Nothing, not one thing about this makes any goddamned sense. If he’s such an ugly, creepy loser, why the fuck are you dating him at all? Because you “like” him? Guess what - when you like someone, you don’t take to the fucking internet to talk about them like they’re dead. Unless this bro is not a bro at all but actually a stuffed dinosaur doll named “Chompy,” chances are he’s picked up on how much you apparently detest him. That’s probably why he was on that stupid fucking app in the first place. Swiping his finger across pics of strangers is preferable to being around you while you “tolerate” him.
And so he finds your sister, whom he’s met before, and matched with her on Tinder. And you don’t care, not at all! Except you do, because your email gets increasingly critical of this fact as it descends into madness. Why did your Julian-Assange-wannabe sister think she was making such a shocking revelation when she revealed to you that they’d matched on Tinder? Guess what - she had to swipe him the right way too in order for them to match. Is it possible he saw a friendly face and figured matching with her was the polite thing to do? Is your sister possibly plotting to fuck your ugly, socially dysfunctional non-boyfriend? Anything’s possible, at this point.
It’s a shitty thing to demand digital exclusivity with a guy you’re very with whom you’re very adamant about not being exclusive, and it’s an even shittier thing to assume you have the right to demand it just because you’re better looking than him. His “problem,” if he has one at all, is you. I would say the reasonable thing to do would be to casually bring it up/joke about it in conversation (“Sally said she matched with you on Tinder. Small world, right?”) and see what he does. But actually, don’t do that. That would actually work, and I don’t wish happiness upon you.
Swiping left on you,
P.S. - OMG what is wrong with you why would you introduce your non-boyfriend of only a month to your parents at the age of 25?